[Abby88]

Hi…thought someone could give me some advice on a situation that is beginning to reoccur.

My partner and I recently tried rock climbing. I’ve went a few times and he was new to the sport all together.
He, at first didn’t want to climb but then changed his mind and decided to. This surprised me as he is normally quite firm when he makes a decision not to do something. He ended up trying and made it half way and came down. He was clearly a bit spooked because he didn’t realize how afraid of heights he was. He also ended up injuring his shoulder a bit (always had a bad shoulder) I guess at the time he didn’t think it’d be a problem.

The next day he woke up in alot of pain, his shoulder problem had increased 100X and he wasn’t able to move it. He became extremely depressed about it because he knew he’d have to go into physio for a long time to bring it back to it’s normal health. He’s been quite distant and very angry. I’ve given him all the space he needs but today he finally vented.

HE feels like a failure. For many reasons. For not being able to finish the climb, for injuring himself and also realizing his huge fear of heights. He’s upset that his friends coaxed him into climbing when deep down he knew for his shoulder sake, that it was a bad idea and he should just stand around and maybe enjoy the company. He’s lost all confidence in any future endeavors for outdoor activities for fear that he’ll injure himself again.

He’s extremely depressed and angry about it and I’m guessing maybe a bit embarrassed that everyone else who climbed was able to conquer the route… Upset at himself for not thinking through a decision and upset that he’s injured a few days before his month long holidays to visit friends. He feels that his shoulder will set him back from doing normal activities, including driving which it most definitely will, he is barely able to move one arm. He’s extremely down and I am not sure how to help him. I feel any words of support just aren’t enough. At first I blamed myself for asking him to go climbing, but he assured me it’s not my fault at all because in the end it was his decision.

He says he’s never felt so down about himself his whole life. He’s scared to try anything new in fear that he’ll throw out his shoulder again.

I’m not sure what to do anymore! He kind of mopes around the house and I’m just trying now to stay out of his way and make small talk to make sure he’s ok. But it’s just not enough. I don’t want to smother him. I want him to work things out with or without me. But, I just want to make sure he’s Ok. I want to suggest to him to talk to a professional about it, but I am a bit scared he might be offended.

This happened a few months ago too but the pain wasn’t as bad. He ended up pushing me out for a long time, I waited patiently until he felt better mentally and phyiscally and sat down and told him he can’t treat me like that. We ended up having a good chat about it and I felt as though we had worked this out. I was reassured that if he was ever in this physical pain again that he wouldn’t shut me out and ignore me. But it’s seemed to happen again. He’s definitely talking more this time and expressing his feelings but I just wish he was happier. I know something like this is hard to get through, mentally especially. But I really want to give him some words of hope and encouragement so he knows I am here for him whenever he decides to ask for help.

What to do? Anyone have advice out there for me?

[AskApril Masini]

I’m not sure how old you both are, and if I knew you were perhaps in your 30s or 40s I might suggest that there’s something else going on here for your partner in terms of his changing body. Many men and women who approach and go through middle age have trouble accepting the changes in their bodies. They can’t quite do what they used to be able to do in the same time. And while your partner may very well have a rock climbing career in front of him if he wants it, he won’t be able to climb the way he might have a decade ago. He’ll need more conditioning and a slower pace at first.

Many men get depressed around this time in life because they feel that part of their life is behind them, which it is, and that there isn’t anything that’s going to be as good as the past in front of them. While I don’t think that’s true, the reality is that this is a transitional time and your partner may be bummed in a bigger way than you realize about this. The rock climbing and the injury may have brought this issue to the surface for him. When he says he feels like a failure, he might be indicating that he can’t do what he did when he was younger, and that makes him feel like he’s failed.

While it is very empathetic of you to want to fix things and make him feel happy and get over his depression and self imposing isolation, the reality is that everyone has their own time table for these issues. If he senses you want him to be different than he’s feeling — even if all you want is for him to be happy — he may think that in fact, you, too, don’t like him the way he is. So back off on wanting to fix him and readjust your thinking about fixing him.

The problem you’re writing me about is really about how you can work around your partner’s healing physically and his depression at being down for the count for a while at least. The best thing you can do is to not put too much focus on your partner’s problem. He already knows how to deal with his shoulder injury since it’s a recurring issue. And if he sees you enabling him, while you may mean well, it could make matters worse. What will help is for him to see you taking care of yourself, and being interested in him, but not obsessed with making him feel better. He’ll get there — but in his own time. And nothing you can do will make time pass more quickly.

Be patient. Be healthy with yourself. Be available to him if he wants to talk or if he wants your opinion or advice. Give him a few cheery and optimistic pep talks that last a total of 30 seconds each, a day, so as not to over do it. Don’t dwell on his injury or depression. In other words, don’t corroborate that this is some great tragedy. It isn’t. Unless you make it that.

He’s going to have to find a way to accept his weak shoulder, his fear of heights and his blue mood, and get out of it himself. You being there and being okay with everything will be the best medicine ever.

[Abby88]

Thanks for the advice.

To clear things up, I’m in my late 20’s and he is in his early 30’s. In fact, he’s 33.

I think I will take your advice and just be patient and wait for him to open up. But there are a few things that really do upset me. Like how our normal schedule changes. Normally, we wake up together in the mornings and I make him breakfast, just a quick one so he can run out the door to work. I also pack a lunch for him. Not to mention in the evenings we make dinner together. But when this problem comes back, all this disappears. He no longer wants anything from me. I end up eating dinner alone and throwing his half out or putting it in the fridge for me to eat the next day. I see packed lunches purposely left on the table. Then I’m told in a not so pleasant way to stop doing anything. So, I do. I don’t demand that I get to do these things but I do wish he’d verbalize it in a nicer way that he won’t be eating dinner tonight or needing anything else for the day.

I guess since he’s so depressed it’s hard to say that and I should just KNOW that he is thinking it but it doesn’t come out the way he wants it to?

It’s just hard to be around him when he goes through this. There is a lot of negative energy. Energy that takes happiness out of me. I try my best to give a lot of space through times like this. By coming home a bit later and sometimes eating out with friends. Once I walk through that door tho, my body freezes up and I find myself going to bed earlier than normal, or reading a book in the bedroom then falling asleep. This part is hard for me. I feel that communication is very important. I feel that going to bed angry or upset doesn’t help anyone. I feel unloved because we don’t get to talk to each other. I do still get a simple, hello how are you, which I appreciate but this usually occurs days after but there’s no feeling in it and there’s no eye contact so it feels forced and as I’ve said before it happens days after…. so for those first few days…I’m pretty much invisible and trying to find the eye of the storm.

This problem seems a lot deeper to me. I know in a few days time things will get better and we’ll do the same thing that happened last time. I’ll sit down and tell him how I’ve felt and he’ll apologize and we’ll be happy again. But I still don’t forget those dark days. They set back a relationship a far ways and it’s hard for me to get up and jump up to where he’s expected me to be…you know?

Anyways, again thanks for the advice. I will definitely have a think about what I can say once a day that hopefully is a good pep talk.

[AskApril Masini]

Thank you for clarifying your ages. Now knowing that’ he’s 33, I think he is too young to be going through a mid-life crisis. It really helps to know everyone’s ages up front.

When he shuts you out by rejecting your food and your company, he’s lashing out at you. You aren’t the cause of his upset, but you become the object of his anger. You’re a safe place for him to act out because he feels close to you. I agree with you that this problem sounds a lot deeper than it appears on the surface, and the source of his depression is something more than just not being able to rock climb, or getting over a chronic shoulder injury.

If this pattern continues, eventually, you’re going to feel chipped away at each time it recurs. Each time he gets depressed, takes you down with him, then apologizes and you two get back on track, you’re going to carry a little more resentment over the years. The residual resentment is going to build. Ironically, eventually you’ll have the same problem he does. Every time he goes into this kind of depression, you’re going to eventually have a twin anger and/or depression caused by his historical pattern of acting out at you, and getting to you by doing it.

Ideally, you can find a way to not let this bother you. That way it becomes his problem. Not yours. Right now, it’s your problem, too. So, either accept this part of him, but know you can’t fix it, and focus on yourself when he goes into his black hole of depression. Give him those once a day pep talks for a week or so, but then it’s probably futile. Or, you can try to help him get to the root of the problem when he’s not upset, by trying to talk to him about the what’s behind his actions and his feelings. But you can only try.

When your partner gets depressed, if you keep yourself healthy, rather than focusing on his depression, you’ll be giving him a healthy partner to be with, a healthy environment, and while you can be empathetic, you don’t have to take on his depression yourself.

[Ethan Morales]

Validate but don’t fix. Your instinct is to “make him feel better” or fix the situation for him but the reality is, this is something he has to work through himself. He’s dealing with physical pain, fear, and the psychological blow of feeling limited or “less capable.” Trying to solve it for him can make him feel pressured or inadequate.

Be supportive without over-investing. Small gestures of encouragement, a few cheerful words, or checking in briefly are ideal. You don’t want to dwell on the injury or his fear, because that reinforces the sense of crisis. Showing you’re okay, confident, and patient communicates support without smothering.

Give him space to process. People heal mentally at their own pace, especially when fear or past limitations are triggered. Your partner’s tendency to withdraw when he feels vulnerable is normal. What matters is that he knows you’re there when he wants to talk but he needs to come to you.

Accept his limitations for now. The rock climbing incident triggered more than just a shoulder injury it’s highlighting fears, self-judgment, and maybe a sense of “I can’t do what I used to.” Accepting him where he is, without expecting him to bounce back immediately, is crucial.

Encourage professional help carefully. Suggesting a therapist or counselor is okay, but it’s best framed as a resource, not a critique. For example: “I know this has been really rough physically and emotionally. Talking with someone might help you cope while you recover.” Keep it gentle.

Step back from “fixing” him. Validate him, be available, and focus on your own stability and positivity. Over time, he’ll find his way through the fear and depression, and your steady presence will be the anchor that helps him feel safe and supported.

[Natalie Noah]

I can feel how heavy this has been for you. You love him, you care about him deeply, and you want to help him through this, but the truth is… sometimes love isn’t about fixing someone. He’s clearly struggling not just with his shoulder or the climbing, but with his own sense of self and his fears. When someone is that low, it’s easy for them to unintentionally pull the people closest to them into the storm. Your frustration and sadness are natural because you’re empathetic and deeply connected to him. You want the old routines, the laughter, the shared mornings and evenings, and right now those are disrupted. That loss, even temporary, is felt acutely because of how much you care.

What I think is really important here is understanding that his depression and anger aren’t your fault. Even when he lashes out by rejecting your care or distancing himself, it’s not about you personally. He’s grappling with a lot internally his fear, his pain, and his sense of failure and he’s using the closest, safest person to mirror his emotions, even if unintentionally. That’s painful for you, but it’s also a sign that he trusts you enough to express himself, even in messy ways. You can’t fix his feelings, but you can choose how much of them you take on for yourself.

Patience and boundaries are crucial here. Being present, but not obsessing over making him feel better, allows him to process at his own pace. Offering small, uplifting moments a short pep talk, a smile, or gentle encouragement without overdoing it, gives him reassurance without making him feel pressured. You don’t need to dwell on his injury or his fear, because amplifying those can make the situation feel heavier than it is. Let him have space to find his own strength while you stay steady, healthy, and loving.

I also want to highlight how important it is to protect your own energy. You mentioned feeling invisible, having routines disrupted, and carrying a lot of emotional weight during his low periods. That weight accumulates over time, and if you let it, it can chip away at your own happiness. Focusing on self-care reading, stepping out with friends, keeping your own routines as much as possible doesn’t mean you love him less. It means you’re staying grounded, so when he’s ready to reconnect, you’re fully present, calm, and emotionally available.

This situation is an opportunity for both of you to grow. He learns how to cope with setbacks without dragging you down, and you learn the balance between empathy and self-preservation. Love doesn’t always mean rescuing someone from their struggles, sometimes it’s simply holding space for them while keeping yourself whole. Over time, if he sees you steady, kind, and healthy, it may encourage him to process his feelings more effectively and build a stronger connection with you that isn’t dependent on his highs or lows.

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