[RHSIM]

Hey April, my girlfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for a few months now, and I have the worst gut feeling that she’s cheated on me. Since we’ve been long distance, we’ve been talking daily via text, e-mails, and skype. We’d text each other good morning and good night, and would check in during the day and set up skype dates. Our texts and chats would be detailed, involved, and we’d be able to talk without any issues, but a couple days ago I got some questionable texts and now something feels amiss.

So a couple days ago she was going out on the town with some of her friends, many of whom have cheated on boyfriends in the past. She was texting me during the night about how things were going and that she missed me and everything was pretty much normal. Once they got to the bar though, that’s when I started receiving a few questionable texts. The first text was that a friend of hers was hooking up with a guy and that she sad she was all alone. Then she texted me that she was being the ‘wing man’ for her friends and that it wasn’t any fun anymore because she’s committed to someone(me). Then the texts stopped for almost three hours before she texted me that she got home, at 4 in the morning, when the bars closed at 2.

The day after her texts started being short one or two word answers, they seemed dismissive, and she wouldn’t text me for hours unless I texted her first. And when she would reply, they’d simply be an answer, as if she had lost all interest in me. I asked her if she wanted to jump on skype and chat either that day or the next, and she just replied “I’m going to be busy”. I tried asking her what was bothering her, and she got defensive. I’ve tried talking to her already and have asked her what’s different and explained why I’m thinking and feeling the way I am. She eventually told me a basic account of what happened, but it doesn’t seem right. There’s no real mention of her in the story, and it all seems to be about her friends. I feel like she’s leaving something out.

Here’s pretty much what she told me:
She told me that her friend had hooked up with a guy, and then they got invited to an after party by a group of other guys. She said her friend said yes, while my girlfriend allegedly said no. They apparently ditched them and went home, but I’m left wondering why it took her 2 hours to get home from the bar if they ditched them and went straight home. I also noted on my facebook news feed that a friend of hers made a comment on her wall commenting about a couple guys that had tried to get into the car they left in. They didn’t drive to the bar, and if they took a taxi home, why didn’t they say taxi?

I want to believe that nothing happened, but given that her friends have a history of cheating and her sudden change in demeanor, I don’t think I can.

What advice/counsel can you offer me?

Thanks

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you both?

Have you been dating just for a few months, in total?

Has the relationship been only long distance?

Have you ever dated in real life?

How did you meet?

[RHSIM]

How old are you both?
I’m 25 and she’s 23.

Have you been dating just for a few months, in total?
We’ve been seeing each other for about 6 months, but the last 3 have been long distance. While we’ve been long distance, we have had 2 week long visits with each other though.

Has the relationship been only long distance?
No, we were together for about 3 months before she left.

Have you ever dated in real life?
I’ve had a few long term girlfriends(2-3 years). And I have been together with my current girlfriend for 3 months in person and about 3 long distance with 2 week long visits about a month apart.

How did you meet?
We both met randomly while at a bar/lounge, but didn’t start dating for several months afterwards and didn’t have sex until we were dating.

Hopefully those answers will help clarify my situation to you.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. Thanks for the information.

It sounds like she’s definitely having a social life — and that’s part of the challenge of a long distance relationship. You only dated in real life for three months before you segued into a long distance relationship, so while you want monogamy, neither one of you is ready to make a commitment. Usually at three months, you’re deciding whether or not to continue dating. At six months, you decide whether or not you both want a commitment. But you didn’t have a regular six months.

I’m not sure why the relationship became long distance (if it was for college or a job or a permanent move by one of you), but if this is a temporary long distance relationship, then it’s probably a good idea to not make a big deal of your fears with her now, and you can decide if you want to continue in the relationship based on how all else plays out. Long distance relationships aren’t for everyone, and if your girlfriend isn’t ready for one, it’s better for you to find out sooner than later.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and please “like” me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Evie]

From what I read here, it sounds like you don’t trust her completely in the relationship. I had been in a long distance relationship before and I know how hard it is to make it work.

The important thing in any relationship is trust. If you want to make the long distance relationship work, you have to trust your girlfriend. Just because her friends had a history of cheating, it doesn’t mean she will follow suit. It’s like asking the question “if all your friends jump off a cliff, would you do that too?”. I don’t know your girlfriend but I’d like to think that she didn’t cheat on you. Your lack of faith in her is going to make the relationship harder to keep up. When I was in a long distance relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I had complete faith and trust in him that he won’t cheat on me, and he did the same with me. I know it sounds easier said than done, but if you’re serious about having a long term relationship with this girl, you got to learn to trust her more. If you suspect her or question her more about the incident, she’s not going to be happy that you don’t trust her and things are just going to go downhill from there.

Good luck.

[AskApril Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Natalie Noah]

The heart of this situation is trust or more precisely, a lack of it rather than any concrete evidence that she’s done something wrong. Long-distance relationships are inherently challenging because you can’t see each other regularly, and that distance can amplify insecurities or fears of betrayal. From what you’ve described, she has been communicating with you, updating you about her night, and even expressing that she’s committed to you. Those are signs that she’s trying to maintain honesty and connection, even if the timing and details make you feel uneasy.

It’s also important to consider the context: you dated in person for only three months before transitioning to long distance, and she is in a social environment where friends might encourage risky behaviors. That doesn’t mean she will act the same way, but it does increase the stress on your relationship. The two-hour gap in her messages could have many explanations delays in transportation, social interactions, or simply phone issues that aren’t necessarily related to infidelity. Interpreting every small inconsistency as a sign of cheating will only increase your anxiety and can strain the relationship.

The advice from others in the thread is consistent: trust is the foundation of a long-distance relationship. If you go into this situation constantly suspecting her or questioning her actions, you are setting the relationship up for tension and conflict. Learning to manage your doubts and communicate calmly about your feelings without accusing or interrogating is essential. She needs to feel trusted and respected, or she may naturally pull away, which could create the very distance you fear.

This comes down to assessing whether you’re willing to invest in building trust despite the challenges of distance. If you find that your insecurities are overwhelming or preventing you from being confident in the relationship, it may be wise to pause and reflect on whether this long-distance dynamic is right for you. Long-distance relationships work when both partners feel secure, supported, and respected, not when fear and suspicion dominate the connection.

[Member]

Posts