[Cajun20]

Hey,

I have an issue. My gf of 2 and half years saw some text messages from me to this other woman. Apparently she figured out my pin on my phone. This very attractive woman I was texting wanted to stay in contact with me so I gave her my number. The reason why I gave her my number. My gf and I throughout our time together had some serious arguments. Mainly because she has a short temper and is insecure. I just got tired of it. She does respect me but she doesn’t respect my privacy. She’s always checking to see who I’m texting and going through my tablet checking my emails. She has good qualities. She’s a very caring person. She cooks, cleans, fulfills my sexual needs. However, her bad attitude and insecurities outshines that sometimes. Anyway my gf contacted the woman I was talking to and of course the other woman got upset with me. The other woman was wondering why I never told her I had gf. Well she never asked me if I had had a gf. She never asked me that she asked what was my marital status. Maybe she got confused. Yeah I could have voluntarily told her my situation with my gf. But all I was doing is trying to get to know her first by having an innocent conversation. Anyway I told her whatever my gf told her was half the truth and there was more to the story. She ended up forwarding that same text to my gf. Basically now the other woman doesn’t want me to text her anymore. I really like this woman. I want to continue trying to get to know her.
As of lately my gf wants to get back together. She has been talking to me but she is giving me an ultimatum…she want’s to have access to my phone and tablet (nothing said about my computer yet) or she may not want to continue the relationship. This has been the problem with her since the beginning of our relationship her insecurities. Plus she has a short temper. Both of them are beautiful. The other woman seemed like she has a great personality so far. She wanted to travel places with me. She asked me if I liked dogs since she has two. That is a clear sign she was really into me. She seems like a very nice woman. I’m really leaning towards the other woman because I’m tired of all the drama. I just hate the fact she told me not to text her anymore. I was thinking about talking to her face to face but she works a swing shift at her job. I really want to explain the situation since she only heard one side. I just need to figure out how to contact her.What do you think I should do? Thanks!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you should end things with your ex girlfriend (I think she’s your ex, now.). Her ultimatum about getting back together as long as you surrender your pin number and passwords, isn’t healthy. Plus, after two years, with the problems the two of you were having — and your interest in dating outside the relationship — you are clearly ready to move on! 😉

Hope that helps!

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[Cajun20]

Thanks for responding. This relationship is exhausting. That’s why I will most likely move on. What do you suggest I should do with the other woman? I was really trying to get to know her.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you should try to find someone else. The other woman has asked you not to text her. She doesn’t trust you because when she asked your marital status, you decided not to tell her you had a two and a half year (live in?) girlfriend — because you weren’t married to her. 😕 It didn’t give her a great view of you as someone who would be honest or forthcoming with her. I don’t think you’re going to be able to overcome that one. Time to move on! 😉

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[Cajun20]

Hello,

There is this woman that just moved to the area that I haven’t seen in 20 years. When she found out I was here I was told that she was so excited. She pretty much remember me just like that but it took me a minute to remember her.
So as time went by I helped her get herself situated. She wanted to be around me constantly and then we started to hangout once during the week and twice on the weekend. During that time there was a lot of flirting; comments and a little touching.
We have been going to lunch and dinner often. I forgot to mention after a week she was here she told me that she had been in a long distance relationship for 2 years. I didn’t think nothing of it because I was just hanging out with her. But in the past two weeks I have started to be more attracted to her. So I asked her several occasions if she was enjoying her time with me. She told me that’s why she hangs out with me. I then asked her if she was attracted to me and if she was starting to like me. She said she was going to keep it to herself. Anyway we went out last week and I asked her again.
She said it’s hard to answer that because of her boyfriend. The following day we had a misunderstanding. I made some comments that was not directed to her but she felt they were so got real upset. It had nothing to do with us or her relationship. She didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night. The following day we resolved our differences and went out to dinner and shot some pool. That same night I flirted with he a little bit she then told me that she doesn’t like that. I was surprised with her comments. So the following day I told her I enjoyed spending time with her.
I asked her doe she feel the same way. She then responding saying she enjoy going out with people. I was confused with her response. Becuase there were times she would hug up on me, lay her head on me, hold my hands briefly, and feed me when we are out for lunch or dinner. So I asked her if she was attracted to me. She told ask me why would she allow herself to be involved when she’s in a relationship. I was shocked with her response. What should I do? How should I respond? Should I stop contacting her? I haven’t spoken to her since. My thing is I’m not trying to break up her and her boyfriend. I just wanted to see where her head is at.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You put yourself in the friend zone. 🙁 If you want to date her, then you have to date her, and if you don’t want to date her, then you should stop spending time with her. And if she isn’t interested in dating, then move on.

Be clear with yourself, and be clear with her. You’ll have a much easier time with relationships if you do! 😉

[Cajun20]

Update~
Hello,
On Valentine’s day I just sent her a friendly text wishing her a Happy Valentine’s. We texted back and forth for a couple of hours. Then she sent me a text telling me she was hungry and that she wanted to go out to eat if I wasn’t busy. I saw the text 20 minutes later. I told her I can pick her up in 30 minutes since I was in the bed and I needed to get ready. She was trying to tell me that all I have was 30 minutes. Of course I was like whatever. Anyway when I was done and about to head out my daughter Skyped me. so I told my lady friend to give me 10 more minutes. She got upset and told me that she will meet me downtown at one of my female bar owner friends bar. So i get down there my friend asked me to sit down next to her ( she knows that we are close). Then my lady friend responded back saying she doesn’t want me to sit by her. She was upset that I took an extra 20 minutes to get down there. So the whole night was awkward. We ended up resolving the issue the next day. Then this past weekend a few of our coworkers decided to go out to eat for dinner and meet up around 7pm. She asked me if I was going. I told her I was 50/50. So that evening she hit me up telling me she was about to leave and I told her I’m going. I texted and told her I will pick her up (620 pm). I waited on her response before I decided to leave. Then 10 minutes go by she responds back. I told her I’m on my way (635 pm). I picked her up around 645 pm. She get’s into the car all pissed off complaining about she doesn’t like to be late. i was confused because it only takes us about 5-10 minutes to get to the restaurant from her place. So we get there and i parked. She gets out the car walking without waiting for me storming to the restaurant. While in the restaurant we did not say a word to each other.the whole time. Then we all decided to go to my friends bar to shoot pool.It was that awkward moment again. We were shooting but she is not talking to me.Then the rest of the night we did not speak to each other. So when we got in my car to go home I asked her what’s wrong. She tells me that she doesn’t want to talk to my right now. I was like cool and left it alone. So a couple days later (this past Sunday) she told my friend when they were out eating that she was pissed with me. He asked her why? She said because she doesn’t like to be late for anything and i had her waiting.. He asked her didn’t you both get there at 650 pm? Didn’t you both beat everyone else there? She claimed I was driving like a bat out of hell which was a lie. I asked all the people that know us male and female for their opinion about the situation. They are wondering why she is acting is petty when I did nothing wrong. So days go by and we haven’t said a word at work. My bar owner friend said she noticed that when we are out something was wrong because her and I always do things together. My supervisor noticed something was wrong so he asked me what was going on and I told him. He thought it was petty. Anyway, my supervisor and my other friend suggested that I should talk to her. So today I decided to talk to her (5 days after the so called incident) she was still upset about it and said it’s my fault but I’m trying to put the blame on her. I told her it’s nobody’s fault. I told her she letting petty bs cause problems in our relationship. She said I don’t care because I may be leaving soon (not really) and I’m being all nonchalant about this. She was even getting teary eyed. At the end of the day she wanted me to apologize. The thing is I don’t apologize unless I did something wrong . In this case i didn’t. So since I didn’t she decided to leave and still doesn’t want to talk. Tell me what you get out of this? This is confusing. This is strange behavior coming from someone who claims she is focused on her boyfriend and tries to hide her feelings. At the end of the day I’m not going to stress over it but just seems odd.

Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re having trouble with boundaries. 😉 I read your history here, and from your first post here, you didn’t tell your girlfriend you were unhappy in the relationship, and started dating someone else behind her back. It would have been better to have been upfront and broken up with the girlfriend first. Then when you started seeing this other woman, you didn’t tell her you had a girlfriend — and it would have been better if you’d been up front about this. Now, you’re sliding into a relationship with a woman at work, and talking to your co-workers and supervisor about your problems outside of work, with them. 😕

Here’s my advice: 1) Men and women can’t be friends, so if you’re interested in a woman, then come right out and date her. It will eliminate any confusion and social and emotional chaos about the relationship. 2) Date her. Don’t hang out. This may seem cheesy, but it will create boundaries that will make your life easier. It sounds like you “slide” into relationships without defining them. Defining them will help you and the women you’re dating. 3) Don’t discuss your personal business with co-workers, especially a supervisor. It’s inappropriate. Talk to outside-of-work friends and family about your social life and keep business, business. And lastly, move on from this woman. Let it go. If you don’t, it’s going to get even messier than it already is.

I hope that helps!

[Cajun20]

Hello,
I appreciate you responding. I haven’t been in a real relationship in a while. I am not trying to slide into a relationship with her. I was curious about what she was thinking based on how she was acting towards me at the beginning. Remember we haven’t seen each other in about 20 years. She has been sending me mixed signals. The getting upset and teary eyed. Telling me I don’t care. I’m not sure if you overlooked some of the information I provided. Also I wasn’t the one who was telling my coworkers about our issues. She was the one who told him about what happened. As far as my supervisor; well when he asked if she was mad at me again my coworker was the one who told him. I just said my two cents and that’s it. Some my friends believe she has feelings for me based on her actions. I wanted to know if you feel the same way. I was just trying to get your professional opinion which I do respect. Lastly, I have been separating myself from her even more in the past few days. Thanks in advance.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. 🙂

[Sally]

Right now, you’re trying to avoid choosing by keeping both doors cracked open. That’s why everything feels messy. You didn’t just have an “innocent conversation.” You gave your number to another woman, hid that you had a girlfriend, and kept it going because you were already emotionally checked out of your relationship. That matters.

Your girlfriend’s insecurity didn’t come from nowhere. You gave her reasons not to trust you, and now she’s reacting by trying to control you. That phone ultimatum isn’t love either it’s fear. And a relationship where one person polices the other will rot fast.

As for the other woman: she already set a boundary. She told you not to contact her. Trying to explain face-to-face after that would cross a line and probably make things worse. Respecting that boundary is the only move that keeps your dignity intact.

Here’s the real choice. Either you fully end things with your girlfriend and accept being single for a while, or you commit and stop looking for exits. Chasing a “better option” while still attached to someone else will keep blowing up in your face. You don’t need a new woman right now. You need clarity.

[Member]

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