[Anonymous]

Hi, April. I’m seeking some really good help here to guide me. I’m a female and I’m 17. I met this boy last year (2008) through online, but we didn’t begin to talk regularly until the beginning of 2009. He messaged me out of nowhere one day asking for help on a project. He needed my skills and I gladly agreed to help out. I’m a really self-conscious girl and I’m incredibly afraid of pain and hurt after a recent break up that happened in January. After I finished helping him out, I asked if that was all he needed and if he would just stop talking to me after that. He said no; we continued to talk. Eventually we exchanged numbers and everything. I began to start falling for this boy. Each day from just communicating with him online, I would discover many things about him that really shocked me. Very good things. I was surprised on how much we had in common, and I don’t just mean — ‘oh, wow. same music taste.” etc, I mean like serious things. His morals, his beliefs, everything. I realized how close I had gotten to him. I would text him every morning with just ‘hi or hello’ and our conversations would begin. I would come home from school and try to hide my excitement as it was nothing when I was about to get onto the computer and begin talking to him. Alright, so school ended and I had all this free time to spend talking to him. He was always excited to talk to me, as was I. One day I popped the question, “Do you think we will meet one day?” and he answered, “If you would like to”. I tried not to get excited because I felt like that really was totally out there crazy. But soon things started to get incredibly serious. We would send cute text messages to each other everyday. (We didn’t start talking on the phone until later in the summer). This is so complicated (just bear with me). Over time I realized, ‘Wow, I want something good out of this”. I didn’t know how he felt but I definitely knew how I felt. I fell in love with this boy. Some nights I would hold myself from texting him “I love you”. I would get teary because if he didn’t feel the same way, then that’s a terrible let down. Over time though, he would hint that he was interested. The on the Fourth of July, he told me he loved me. I was in shock at first and I was so terribly upset to the point of tears because he lived a thousand miles away. It wasn’t fair. I told him I loved him too and how bad I wanted this. We talked very seriously that night. We told each other that would meet after both of us graduate. (He is the same age as me). I really really wanted this. We then began to talk on the phone. We enjoyed every second. I find small things cute such as falling asleep on the phone, etc. We would go to sleep on the phone together. In the morning he or I would call him. I’m a worry-bug and so is he. I’m a little jealous and so is he. Sometimes he would worry over tiny things and I would reassure him that it’s no big deal. I’m aware of stages of a relationship and I know that I was in the “honey moon” stage. Which is the very first stage. I knew him to the point where I knew something was wrong or something was upsetting or bothering him. I would always get it out of him and we would talk about it. Sometimes he would keep it in because he didn’t want to upset me because he hates to hear me upset. I didn’t think of it as a big deal. Alright, so school started. I was bummed because we couldn’t stay up all night talking on the phone anymore. It was time to go back to work. We would talk after school though and we had certain times where we would talk on the phone. I started to realize that this boy really meant something special to me. I felt like this is the right boy. I was like “Wow, I want to spend the rest of my life with him through thick and thin.” I promised him I would not leave him and so did he. He told me that sometimes he imagines marrying me. I got excited and happy at that thought. I’m sorry for such a long post. In early November we decided we wanted to meet. I booked tickets for Winter vacation and I was ecstatic. Alright, everything was great until the weekend before Thanksgiving, I began to spot things in him that I never really did (nothing bad or serious). I got a little nervous. Then one day during the weekend in the morning he called me and we would talk lovey-dovey like always in the mornings. I got this strange though like “Oh wow, what the hell am I doing talking all cute and everything” sort of like something I realized. I got so scared and I thought it would go away the next morning. It sort of did but the scary thought of it coming back remained.That night I knew something was upsetting him and I asked him but he said it was nothing.The next morning which was a Monday, I came back from school ready to call him on the phone. I did and I knew he was still upset. I just came to realization that I hated my unhappy boy. I didn’t want him unhappy. That’s when everything became to fall. That scary thought of space and being away from him began. Before November I had these thoughts of how I didn’t have time to do anything for myself, like go out or be alone for a little. I laughed it off because I thought it was silly. I guess it just built up over time the needness for space and I just broke down. I mean, my thoughts just began to run. “Oh my god, what’s happening. I used to yearn being around him and just him all the time and now I feel like my body and mind just want space.” I told him about it and he was really upset. I would get on the phone with him and I felt suddenly irritated and impatient when talking on the phone. I was completely terrified. I wanted things to go back to normal. That butterfly feeling in my tummy faded and I would spend nights and days crying. I didn’t know what was going on. We talked on camera too and I was always so happy and excited to see him but now I keep that scary thought it mind of space and it’s like my body doesn’t want it right now. I told him how I wasn’t going to give up and that we would work things out. We went on a unsuccessful break. I felt like I missed him the whole time but when I actually talked to him or saw him on camera I was like, “errrrr” and it scared me. For a few days I thought everything was getting better and then that scary thought popped into my head again after school and I felt like I was back to where I was before. It’s just a terrible feeling. My stomach feels all weird and it’s like I can’t sit straight when speaking to him. Winter vacation came and we finally met. It was great. I was happy, he was happy. The first few days were a little iffy. We were completely comfortable around each other. Kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc though. Then things got better because I thought that relationships need lots of work. I know the stages of a relationship and believe me, I read every site on them just to reassure me but I can’t just get it through. It’s so hard. I believe I am in the “Power Struggle and Realization” stage. I realized that my partner is not perfect and some things bug me about him. I feel like I lost all my intimacy for him. Sometimes I didn’t want to kiss him or anything. It scares me because I so badly want it back. I want the Romance Stage back. It was perfect. I know I can’t have it though. Being with him the last few days before I left, I felt so good and content and I believed things were getting better. I was in denial when I was leaving. I cried so much because I didn’t want to go yet. I flew home and automatically I thought, “Great, these feelings are going to come back again” and sure enough they did and here I am. I don’t know what to do. I am so confused. I just want to curl up and cry. I had no energy this morning. I want to fix this. I want to be happy and make him happy because he’s sad I’m going through this. I can’t leave him. I need him in my life. He’s so important to me. Please help me out here, I beg you. I need some reassurance on what is happening. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

the first part of your story, of how yous met online, thats the exact same for me right noow! we’re both 14 and like, i live in england, him in scotland. he would say that i was pretty, or fit, or something like that.. then our relationship grew stronger. and like i know it sounds so gay because i dont properly know him, but theres something about this boy. after each msn conversation, we would say ”i love you” in a friendly way, but then i started falling for him.. and one night after he said i love you, i said i loved him more, then he admitted he properly loved me – he had fallen for me. as had i. so we talked alllllllll the time, swapped numbers and everything. we havent yet spoke on the phone.. i think hes frightened ;/ . but i really really like this boy and we started joking on how fun it would be if we ever met. then time passed and it got more serious, i was being serious about meeting him, so was he. i dont really think either of us know when or how to do this becaus of the distance. but everything was great, we kept saying iloveyou and he was being all cute and stuff.

but a few weeks ago, he started to become less chatty. he would still say the cute things and i love you.. but things seemed different. he would be soooo happy and talkative one day, then the next day he would talk in say, five word sentences. i really dont know why he is being like this.. he told me earlier that he loved me and even if he doesnt act it, he does, and that he gets moody sometimes and becomes off with people. i know im in lve with him and he knows hes in love with me.

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP?! 🙁

[AskApril Masini]

The internet is a wonderful tool, but it’s just a tool. You can’t have 90 percent of your relationship online for over a year and expect to be happy. Since 2008 when you first met this guy online, if I’ve read your post correctly, you’ve only spent a week or two together in person. 😯 Healthy relationships are in person relationships. Meeting online is great, but the next step is meeting in person and forging your relationship in person.

People who are afraid of being hurt or have social phobias tend to conduct relationships that should be in person relationships, online. You hinted that you have a history of being hurt and a fear of being hurt again. That may be why you’ve kept this guy at such a distance (and I mean that figuratively and literally). Most women would never consider a man who lives 1000 miles away as boyfriend material because they know there’s no chance of real dating involved. But somehow, you not only chose a guy who was impossible to date, you cultivated the relationship.

Your depression, now, has less to do with being apart from this boy than it has to do with your loneliness in general. If you can find a way to accept that your relationship with this guy is never going to be a healthy one because of the distance between you, then you’ll be more apt to get out there and look for guys to date who live in your own neighborhood! 🙂

My advice to you is to forget your internet boyfriend who isn’t the one who’s making you have these feelings of terror and confusion, and focus on yourself. If you can start taking really great care of yourself, by getting out in your own neighborhood and school and meeting other teenagers like yourself to be social with, you’re going to be a lot happier. Your terror and confusion will fade away, and you’ll start having fun. You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself by choosing a boyfriend who lives 1000 miles away, who you know you’ll only meet up with for a week or two once a year. Any woman, whether she’s 17 like you, or 77, deserves to have companionship, intimacy and romance more often than that!

So say goodbye to Mr. Long Distance and start looking for guys to like and date in your area code, zip code or city. Have fun — every day — for at least a small part of the day, and don’t rely on the internet for dating — just meeting. 🙂

[Member]

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