[sunshine]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a couple years. I can honestly say that I know that I love him, and I really can’t see myself with anyone else, but there’s one huge problem. He’s like two different boys.
1.) He’s so distant. He forgets to call, we go days without talking at times, he spends more time with his friends than me, and he doesn’t put nearly as much effort in our relationship as I do (I guess that’s just my opinion). He acts like an asshole frat guy, and acts like he’s basically uninterested in anything..non-masculine. I know a lot of guys do this, but that doesn’t make it okay.

It sounds clear that he must not be interested and that that is very obvious, but it’s not.

2.) He always talks about how much he loves me, and he seems so sincere. He has even told his mom that he’s never felt even remotely close to this before in his life. He would never cheat, he actually ASKS me to pick out his clothes, he’s a bit clingy (but that’s not a bad thing), he’s sensitive, he’s basically…pefect when he’s like this.

Because he can seem so ‘loosely commited’ though, I have attempted to end things to see how he would react & he was so shocked. We talked for hours and he completely reassured me that I am the one he wants, and that he will get everything together and be better for me.
I am just seriously so confused. He seems to good to be true sometimes, but then he turns into ‘distant, unromantic, frat boy asshole’ boyfriend, which I completely loathe.

I don’t want to end things with him, but is there anyway that I can make him see that I need him to change right now? A way that I can end this frat boy act, and get my sensitive boyfriend back? Or do you think I am being a little too controlling at all? Is there a way that I can test if he REALLY does mean what he says? Is there a way that I can get him to stop his ‘cool guy act’ with his friends? Is there something that I need to change about myself to help him?

[Ask April Masini]

You’re focusing your energy on the wrong person in the relationship — him! What you really need to do to find some peace and happiness is to focus your energy on yourself.

Instead of trying to change your boyfriend, you’d do better to decide whether or not you want to change yourself. It’s impossible to change someone else. They change because [i]they[/i] want to and they feel that there is a pay off to changing. They do not change because someone else tells them to. It just doesn’t work that way.

It sounds like your boyfriend has a frat boy personality some of the time, but is also very sensitive and loving some of the time, also. To me, this doesn’t sound like he has a split personality. It sounds like he’s got a male and female side, which is normal, and that he likes having both of those sides. He likes having you as his girlfriend, and he likes having his guy social life, too.

You could decide to accept the way he is and dwell on the good parts of his personality and the relationship, rather than dwelling on what you don’t like. Or, you could decide that this isn’t good enough for you, and you want someone different.

The middle ground is a little more sophisticated, but I think you can handle it. Men do what makes them feel good, so if you can reward him or make him feel good for doing what it is you like, then chances are, he will try to do what you like more often so that he can feel good more often. This path will take some work on your part, but the worst thing that happens is it doesn’t work, and you’re no worse off than when you wrote me.

You might also want to look towards the future because what you’re describing in your boyfriend as a problem, could actually be a very integral part of a successful relationship down the road. There may come a time when you, yourself, may want to behave one way with your boyfriend (or possibly your husband by then), and another when you’re out with the girls. You may also want to behave a third way with your children, and even a fourth way with parents and in-laws. So what you’re describing in your boyfriend could actually be a relationship asset if you just take a few steps back and look at things from a different perspective.

If I were you, I’d try to make things work and be a little more understanding of who this wonderful man is — with all his facets!

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