[bluecarolina]

I have been dating my current boyfriend for over five years. We were each others first real relationship, we started dating when we were 16 and now I’m going on 22. However, recently I’ve been feeling confused about whether or not I can see myself with him much longer… I am falling for another guy, one of his friends. The more time I spend with the other guy, the more I can’t stand being with my boyfriend.

People always say that my boyfriend and I are made for each other and that we will get married one day. I used to think so, too. He’s a good guy, he treats me well, and makes me laugh. But he has a lot of problems. He suffers depression and he drinks a lot. He always wants to get drunk, and will drink even if it’s the two of us at home alone. When he’s drunk, he always talks about how much he hates his life and that I’m the only thing in the world that makes him happy. Sometimes I feel like his babysitter instead of his girlfriend. He’s also stubborn and extremely defensive, if I try to talk about something that bothers me, he will get upset and somehow turn it around to make me the bad guy. I once mentioned that I don’t always like the way he treats me, his response was: “Are you kidding me? I treat you amazing.” Then when I try to talk, he talks over me so I can’t defend myself. He is lazy and unmotivated, and always expects me to do things for him but does nothing for me in return. He thinks that buying me things means he doesn’t have to show me affection. Usually he’s ignoring me and playing video games, and I wish he’d pay more attention to me; but when he does pay attention to me, he is really annoying and I wish he’d go back to playing video games. His humor is very mean, he is condescending and always makes me feel stupid or bad about myself for no reason.

My life is so intertwined with his, though, that I can’t imagine anything else. I practically live at his house and spend all my time with him. I have two chinchillas living at his house, and probably the biggest factor… our dog. We have a dog together, and this dog is the absolute most important thing in the world to me. My boyfriend won’t let me call the dog mine, even though I do all of the caring for him (feeding, walking, playing, training, cleaning the yard, medications… the only thing I don’t do is pay the vet bill). I love this dog more than anything, and I’m afraid that leaving my boyfriend will mean never being able to see my dog again…

But recently I’ve become really close this other guy. My boyfriend and I share a very small, very tight group of friends. I’ve always been attracted to the other guy, but when we started texting a lot, we realized the attraction is very mutual. He’s basically everything my boyfriend is not. He got me presents and took me out for valentine’s day when my boyfriend did not. He’s sweet and kind, and has made me feel better about myself in the last few months than my boyfriend has in five years. He is easy to talk to, I can share things with him that I would never dream about sharing with my boyfriend, because he does not make me feel stupid or put me down in any way. He has hobbies and interests and likes to DO things and be with me instead of laying in bed playing games all day. He compliments me every day and makes me feel beautiful. He remembers the little things I say and does cute things for me all the time.

And I hate to admit it, but I have been fooling around with him. We haven’t had sex, but that’s about it. He turns me on so easily compared to my boyfriend (who is fairly overweight…), and I can be more sexual with him without feeling dumb or embarrassed. It’s hard to get turned on by my boyfriend at all anymore. He always complains that we never have sex, and that I never initiate it. When he’s in the mood, he doesn’t understand that I’m not immediately ready to go. But when I try to initiate it, he’s suddenly not in the mood.

I’m probably making it much more difficult than it is. I so desperately want to be with the other guy, who makes me feel so completely loved. Sometimes I wonder if I am only staying with my boyfriend because of familiarity and because of our dog… but sometimes I don’t feel like it isn’t bad enough to end it. On top of that, I’m worried how it would affect my boyfriend and if he would go far enough to hurt himself, because he still loves me so much and I worry about his emotional stability. I’m worried how it would affect our group of friends, and if it would fall apart. I’m worried that I wouldn’t be able to see my dog anymore.

The other guy is completely aware of the situation (obviously… he and my boyfriend hang out a lot), and doesn’t necessarily love being the “other guy” but wants to keep doing what we’re doing. I thought, and completely expected, that I would feel bad about sneaking around on my boyfriend, but sadly I’m not… The more I’m around the other guy, the more I can’t stand being with my boyfriend.

I’m sure I’m making this overly complicated, because apparently the answer is obvious to the few people I’ve shared some of this with. I just feel like I have two things that I want, but can’t possibly have at the same time. I want everyone to be happy, but it tortures me every day.

I just don’t know what to do, how to feel, or anything! I’m just so confused and it gets worse every day. I need someone to hit me over the head with a brick and just tell me what I should do…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You said it yourself when you wrote that because you’ve been dating since you were 16 years old, and you’re now 22, your lives are entwined. And…. you don’t have a lot of dating experience outside of this relationship, so it’s normal to have trouble getting out of it. Clearly, you want to move on, but you’re having trouble doing so, and you’re coming up with reasons to stay — and to leave. In other words, you’re making a balance sheet so you can get a quantitative reason to leave. I’m going to give you my permission 😉 to do what’s right for both of you and leave this relationship. This isn’t Mr. Right. You’ve invested five years. You’re not happy; he’s not happy. You want to move on. It’s time.

The affair you’re having with his friend is the cowardly way to get out of this relationship. You need to muster up your courage and face him (and yourself) and tell him that it’s over and that this is hard for you because you’ve had such wonderful times with him, but you’re ready to move on and are going to do so.

I think the guy you’re having an affair with is just a rebound guy or an excuse to relieve the pressure of being in the wrong relationship with your boyfriend. I know it’s hard to be single, but it would be a good idea for you to be single, play the field, and unravel yourself emotionally, physically and socially from your boyfriend. Because of the length of your relationship, that won’t be easy, but it’s the right thing to do and you CAN do it.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAPrilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[bluecarolina]

The thing is though, that my boyfriend IS happy. I decided to be straight up with him and tell him how I feel in the relationship sometimes, it caused him to become severely depressed for several days. We really opened up and talked things out. But he still loves me so much and says he can’t imagine himself being with anyone else.

Of course, that same night he got drunk again and told me he was getting me a new $2,000 macbook for my birthday, and told me how badly he needs me and just generally made me feel so bad that I cried all night. He said things like, he always thought it was me and him against everything, now it’s him vs me vs everything… and, he thought I would always be there for him, and we were building our life together and he always thought he would have a place in mine. But then he says he never means what he says when he’s drunk but he’s also a really good liar.

He’s been better and a lot nicer lately, but I still can’t shake these feelings of sadness and doubt. One minute I think I can leave him, the next I remember the little things that make me smile and how happy I can be with him. I know he doesn’t want to lose me, but I am still unsure…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I stand by my advice — and I realize that it will take time for you to make a change. You’ve been with this man for a long time and patterns can be difficult to change. Re-read what I wrote and sit with it. The answer will come to you. I’m here if you need me. 🙂

[Member]

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