[tina000]

I am in my late 40’s he in his early 50’s..We have been dating for over a year. He asked me to move in with him, I agreed. Since I agreed, he has not told anyone., he does not even see it as anything special and expresses more excitement about about non-important subjects to friends and family than our “New Commitment”..It appears to me that he see’s this new commitment as an expected next step in the relationship and nothing special. When I asked him if he was going to tell his family or anyone (Because he has not and there has been plenty of opportunities to). He said that he would tell them and when he did the way he did it concerned me very much. It was not announced in any special way that protrayed that he was proud and honored but more in a comical type hahaha way… Of coarse they asked if this was premarital and he boldly said “NO” and follwed it up jokingly by saying I am not sure if I like her yet hahahaha..even his family told him that was not nice and they asked him again and he ignored the question totally. I was very embarrased and floored by his behavior. On our way home the subject came up., and he boldly informed me that moving in is a natural next step., that right now he has no intentions of any further steps like “Marriage” and our moving in is the only decision without any expectations of the future., the years and our living together will slowly tell the rest of the story. He also said maybe we should not tell anyone so the “Marital Question” is not asked. Well I feel, like his asking me to move in without knowing if I am the one or not and hoping it works out that way later is a little bit scary. I have no intentions of wanting to get married right now myself., but I most certainly would not have agreed if I didnt already think “He’s the one” in my heart and I was in his heart and most importantly I most certainly would never provide my personal thoughts of “right now” and risk hurting him in anyway like he did me. I am feeling our relationship is off balance and I am more into him than he is me. Why else is he just so “A matter of fact” about our life together? I am confused as to why he even asked me to move in with him!?! I DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS~but I can say the conversation led further into him boldly telling me directly in my eyes “I can make the commitment of moving in together and spending every day with you right now but i can not say I have even thought about giving you a piece of paper and if you feel differntly you need to tell me” . Of course, I stood there mouth shut and in shock and well heres what I internalized…WOW What a painful bullet to the heart! Now I am very confused~ I have been quiet since and I can’t even look at him in the eyes I am so hurt and confused now! What to do, what to say to him, and how to handle this?

[AskApril Masini]

Let’s be practical. 😉 You’re in your late 40s, and you’re looking to get married. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, knowing what you want is a good thing. But when you’ve dated a guy for a year, he asks you to move in with him — and then decides not to tell any of his family or friends at best and insults you in front of them when the moving in comes up, at worst — you’ve got a big problem on your hands. He’s acting passive aggressively because he isn’t comfortable with the truth. And sadly for you, he doesn’t want the same thing you do.

My advice is to keep your eye on the ball. If you want to get married, this guy isn’t Mr. Right. He may have a lot of wonderful qualities, but if after a year, he can’t even think about marrying you, at his age, you have to understand he’s moving you in with him because this “situation” is good for him, and not for you. You see it as a step closer to marriage, he sees it as a way to have you without giving you what you want. What looks like a compatibility (his asking you to move in with him) isn’t.

Your gut is telling you the truth, but you’re still trying to wrap your head and your heart around the hurt. I’m sorry for your pain, but if you don’t move on, you’re going to prolong it. 🙁

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[tina000]

Thanks April..

You mentioned Passive Aggressive Behavior…Hum very interesting. What do you know about Passive Aggressive Men and Border line Passive Agressive? I found this interesting and I think you really hit the nail on the head!

[AskApril Masini]

People behave passive aggressively when they know what they want but don’t want to be clear about it. The reason they don’t want to be clear about it is because it’s going to create conflict, and they don’t want to deal with the conflict. The problem with people who behave passive aggressively on a regular basis (or even just a little) is that they aren’t being genuine. You have to dig for what they really mean, and this can become exhausting.

Your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you, but he doesn’t want to tell you that straight out because he doesn’t want you to be upset, disappointed or to leave. Instead, he’s acting out and acting passive aggressively to get what he wants without telling you the truth. He thinks he’s being truthful, but it’s a diluted type of truth.

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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