[Jay]

April, first I just want to say that you are amazing. You seem to cut through all the fat and get to the heart of situations, and your no-nonsense approach is exactly what people need. I am really hoping you can do the same for me in this situation since, as it stands, I am entirely lost at how to help myself. I’m going to be completely and painfully honest with you.

I love my husband. We get along great. Seriously. We have fun like no one else and are close together. However, we both have one problem in common.. we have pretty bad tempers, and our fighting style is entirely different (he’s passive aggressive, and I’m up-front). We fight from time to time like everyone, and usually it’s just a spat and over really quickly with sorry and I love you, as it should be. But sometimes it doesn’t end so pretty, and we both end up really hurt. We both have hot-buttons, of course, and mine is when, in a disagreement, people can’t admit when they’ve done wrong. I have faults, but admitting I’m wrong is not one of them- My husband, on the other hand, thinks he can do know wrong it seems, and it drives me up the wall. For him, one of his things is that he wants to be left alone when he’s mad about something- to cool off and go into hiding and tuck it all inside. I, on the other hand, want things to be settled immediately and can’t seem to back off when I’m angry at him. I know I should, and truly, I have gotten a lot better about it over time, but sometimes he pushes me over the top and I feel like something else entirely takes me over and all the reasoning that was once in my mind is lost. Usually, this is when he is being unreasonable, and I can’t seem to keep myself from being sucked into it.

Now, a bad fight has not happened for a very long time, but last night it did. See, my husband was already aggravated because of other situations not involving me when I confronted him about something he did. It wasn’t a big deal, he was just in my car joking around with some friends and knocking around some stones and things I keep on my mirror (trying to be funny, I guess). I handled it in the beginning exactly the way I think I am supposed to.. I was calm and collected and simply said that I thought it was rude and would appreciate it if he would take better care of my things. Well, he said he didn’t do it. I said, you did, I saw you do it.. and my cool attitude started to faulter automatically because he couldn’t own up to it.. he said, I didn’t do it the way you said I did, and I said, “Look, I saw you- can you just respect my things in the future? It was rude.” Well, he went on denying it, we both got really angry with each other, and he ended up calling me a bitch. He knew how bad that would piss me off, but I surprised him by walking away and heading to the bathroom to get ready for bed. He called me a bitch a couple more times on my way to the bathroom and I shut the door.. then, through the door, he said, “Fucking bitch.” and that did it. All control I had went out the window. I came out of the bathroom and said, “Call me a fucking bitch again!” and shoved him- he shoved me back. I’m not really sure what happened after that, but it mostly involved more name calling and we were both consumed deeper and deeper in a seething anger. I was so mad I could barely see straight and I wanted really bad to slap him across his face, but he kept kicking me away, putting more force behind it with every kick. He’s a heck of a lot stronger than I am, so I couldn’t make any headway, so I childishly turned to the only thing I could think of that would hurt him deeply without actually touching him, and I yelled at him that I hated him and I cheated on like six time (I haven’t, of course, just pathetically wanted to wound him). Well, that didn’t really work out in my favor (can’t see how I thought it would) because he came after me and knocked me on the ground, held me down by my neck, and yelled at me for cheating on him. Immediately I became very calm (guess my sense came back to me somehow) and told him that I didn’t cheat on him, he was making a mistake by physically overpowering me, and that if he didn’t back off, he was doing something that he knew would result in me leaving him. He backed off and we ended up going to sleep (not near each other, of course).

The next morning, we were both still very unhappy by what had happened, but we both pretty much avoided each other besides a few words here and there. I could tell from his every movement that he was thinking the same thing I was- something alone the lines of, “Omg, what the hell happened? Did I dream that? How could I have lost my temper so completely? Please let that was a bad dream.” He still thinks I cheated on him, of course, and that’s my fault for saying something so stupid- and I know that it’s now something he will never get out of his head irregardless. He’s never had any reason to suspect me of cheating, but he’ll never be able to prove me innocent, either, and I’m pretty much too tired to bother trying to make him think otherwise.

I am at the point, though, where I am thinking how on earth can I blame him for losing his temper so bad when I did the exact same thing? I was consumed in the same thing he was- how could I pass judgement? I wanted to hurt him and make him pay in that moment with the same body and soul that loves him and cares for him when he sick, makes him dinner, and cuddles with him on the couch every night watching t.v.. How can that be? He can get under my skin so deeply- and I to him- that it turns frightening. This is a once in a blue-moon occurance, but our fights have turned ugly a handful of times since we’ve been together (5 years), although it’s never been as bad as it was last night.

Things are a little better now- we have laughed over a few things together, even acted slightly silly by tickling a little and me jokingly trying to stick my foot in his mouth while we were watching t.v, but the hurt undercurrent is still in both our eyes. He doesn’t want to bring up last night at all, and I can hardly blame him.

This brings me to the part where I humbly ask you for advice. I need to know honestly if this is a situation I need to run away from fast, or if there is something salvagable. I love my husband, and he loves me, but should we really be together if we can push each others buttons that deeply, no matter how infrequently it occurs? I’m worried that I’ll get like some women that are in some sort of abuse environment and start defending what he did or something- but I can’t defend what I did either. I mean, I shoved him first, and anytime it’s ever ended up physical, it’s always been ME that started it that way. Sure, he pushes me mentally, but I am the one that decides to cross the line. I don’t want to be that way- and I never have been! I mean, if you met me, you’d probably think I’m completely lying! I can’t count how many times someone has said to me, “You’d never hurt a fly!”- that’s me! Honestly, I don’t even hurt flies! I shoo them out the door for christs sake! I don’t like this ugly mean person that he knows how to push me to. I have gotten a lot better at it, and it really takes a lot to push me to that these days, but the ugliness in him can really bring out the ugliness in me, and vise versa it seems. I love him, and I love our life together, and I am scared to ruin that life together, but I have confidence in myself and my abilities to start a new life, and I will run far and wide to get away from this situation if I think it’s what is best for me.. I just don’t know if that’s the answer or not 🙁

It should probably be added that he is also a really good guy. He’s good to all his friends and good to me, and he probably wouldn’t kill a fly either. He’s childish, sure, but it’s not like I’m winning a maturity award in this. He’s about as shocked by his outburst as I am by mine, and I can tell from his eyes how much he is hurt by what his anger can push him to. Please help, April 🙁

[AskApril Masini]

You are both one phone call away from going to jail.

Assault is a crime, and one of you is going to call the police eventually, if the neighbors don’t. Please understand how serious a situation you are both in. Domestic violence escalates. And it sounds like you are in a pattern with your husband where the violence is escalating. Problems with rage and anger management are the catalyst for violence. The fight could be about anything — the garbage, infidelities, what’s being served for dinner — it doesn’t matter. What matters is the escalation of your pattern of anger into violence within your marriage.

Don’t fool yourself by saying that you let insects leave your home without squashing them or that your husband is a really good guy. Someone who hurts someone else is an assailant. It doesn’t matter how they treat insects or what kind of a good guy they are when they aren’t strangling you. Violence obliterates any other qualities you may think are kind.

The question of whether or not you can save your marriage is premature. You both have rage and violent tendencies that if untreated, will follow you into subsequent relationships if your marriage doesn’t survive. So the real question is can you treat your own anger and rage issues.

I believe you can — if you’re willing to do the work (which I believe from your candor, you are).

Start here: When you feel your temper flaring, [b]take yourself out of the situation[/b]. This is what teachers do with toddlers who can’t control their tempers: they give them a time out where they remove the toddler from the conflict. High school students who misbehave are given 5 day suspensions from school to cool down and consider what they’ve done. Our legal system assigns jail sentences to convicted assailants to remove them from the conflict. The more often they are convicted of assault the lengthier the jail sentences become.

Most people are able to regulate their own behavior, but you can’t. You need to learn how, so someone doesn’t do it for you or you don’t hurt someone or yourself. Tune in to how you’re feeling, and when you find your temper is going to flare, [i]remove yourself from the conflict[/i]. This will be a challenge for you because you’ve admitted that although your husband’s tendency is to go away and cool off, yours is the opposite, and you push for resolution of the conflict — through rage and violence. You need to stop that. Remove yourself from conflict. This will take practice.

Do it.

Make it your [i]personal responsibility[/i] to remove yourself from conflict when you feel your temper flaring. When people are allergic to shellfish and know that a lobster salad could cause them to go into anaphylactic shock, they are always on guard in restaurants. You need to treat your propensity towards rage the same way someone with a potentially life threatening allergy would. Be on guard when you’re in conflict, and be prepared to remove yourself from it immediately because you know that the consequence could be you losing control and resulting in violence.

When you have your violence under control (and this will be a life long challenge for you, just like someone with diabetes has a lifelong challenge to regulate sugar intake), think about this change in your attitude:

You get to choose whether you are going to [i]be right or be happy[/i]. You can’t be both all of the time, and it sounds like this is a big problem that escalates your anger with your husband. When your husband disagrees with you on something — decide to be happy, not right. Even if you know he’s wrong, allow him to be right. Don’t make it your business to extract an admission from him. Don’t enforce your righteousness. Let it go. For instance, in the example you gave where he was moving rocks in your car, and he denied doing it, and you know he wasn’t telling the truth, instead of demanding he tell you you’re right and that he lied, you could have chosen not to be right. From now on, let him have his point of view, and you say nothing [i]if[/i] it is going to escalate conflict. Decide to make peace in your marriage more important than being right.

I know you can tell how hard this is going to be, but it’s the only way you will be able contain the escalation of rage and violence in your marriage. And, again, this will be a lifelong practice for you. It’s not going to be like a flipped switch where you suddenly are able to change your behavior. Every time you are challenged, you’re going to have to consciously acknowledge the challenge, and give yourself the choice of being right or happy, and choose to walk let the other person be right.

If you can’t choose happiness, then take yourself away from the conflict to avoid a loss of temper and possible violent behavior on your behalf.

This is not something you can make your husband do — any of this. You can only change your own self by modifying your own behavior. But this is where you have to start. Your changes may be enough to make your marriage work. Or better, your husband may see your changes and make his own positive changes in the same direction.

You were right to ask for advice and help, and I hope you’ll let me know how things go, and if I can be of any direction to you during this challenge you have ahead of you.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for your reply. You are right- I’ve always known I have a problem with pride and allowing someone to be right when I feel they are wrong is a lofty challenge for me, but I never would have thought it would be the true catalyst to all the anger I end up feeling at my husband. Thank you so much for showing me that. It will be a lesson in humility, no doubt, but it’s something I clearly have to get a handle on. Never would have thought the answer to my problem was cutting back my pride all along.. thank you, thank you, thank you, and a thousand more thank you’s.

[AskApril Masini]

I know that it’s hard to see right now, but I bet you’re capable of understanding that pride isn’t what you think it is. When someone feels pride in themselves, they feel good about themselves and their decisions in life. You can be proud of a promotion, or a new home purchase, or a child’s accomplishment because you feel connected to that event. You feel responsible for the promotion or the new home purchase or your part in the child’s accomplishment.

When you can feel good about yourself — so much so that other people’s accomplishments can bring you happiness and joy because of what THEY did, and not YOUR part in the accomplishment, you’re going to be an enlightened human being! 🙂

Letting go of pride is really about letting go of your needing to be a part in things. It’s kind of like releasing your ego and letting other people get the applause, while you sit back and watch. With time, you can also enjoy their applause without feeling that you’re not getting it.

When you’re in a great place, your husband will say something you know is wrong, and you’ll be able to say to yourself, he’s wrong, but look how much pleasure he’s getting in thinking he’s right, and I really enjoy seeing this person I love feeling good about himself, so I’m not only going to let him be right on this one, I’m going to enjoy his feeling of being right because that’s more important than me at this moment.

Complicated, right?

Letting go of pride is becoming selfless.

This is going to be key to letting go of your anger. When you don’t have to be right, and fight to the death to prove your might because your words aren’t working, you’re going to feel like you’re giving up, at first.

Eventually, you’ll come to see that being selfless makes you very powerful! 🙂 It’s like switching games. When things that used to be important to you, like being right about his moving rocks in your car and making him admit your righteousness, don’t matter, you’ll see how silly and petty they were. Other things like people’s feelings and relationships will become more important.

So letting go of pride is a lot like letting go of your ego. The result is going to be a much higher level of living — and love. 🙂

[Member]

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