[Anonymous]

I’ve been in a tough situation for awhile. I have been in a relationship with man for 3 years. We became engaged a few months ago. We have a loving relationship and he is my best friend. About one year into our relationship his ex girlfriend calls him with some shocking news. He has a 3 year old son she never told him about. At first he was very shocked and later became depressed over the news. They spoke for a few months. She finally confessed to him that she still loved him and wanted to be a family. He told her that he wasn’t interested in being with her but would like to be there for his son. She became very upset and told him if he can’t be with her, he can’t meet their son. He hasn’t spoken to her after this argument. Months passed and I asked him to call her back to arrange a paternity test and start parenting the child. He felt like it would be a struggle and didn’t want to. Anytime I have brought it up we get into an argument so I decided not to bring it up again. Time has passed and I feel like he should do the right thing and try to communicate again. I have mentioned this to him but he says maybe but never does. I think he won’t unless she communicates again with him. I don’t want to force him but I want him to be a father. We plan to marry next year and I want things to be right. What should I do?? Please offer some suggestions. Thanks!

[Ask April Masini]

You’re right. This is a tough situation because you’re taking the moral high road, and he doesn’t have the strength to do the same thing. In addition to which, this isn’t your battle to wage. It’s his. So, while you want him to do the right thing by his son, and get visitation rights and to pay child support, you can’t make him. The only thing anyone can do, is the mother of his child can order a paternity test, and she can get an order for him to pay child support, but she can’t make him see the child.

There is a strong chance that this child will grow up, learn about his real father, and feel angry and abandoned by his dad. If that’s the case, the child will have every right to be angry, and this will probably scar the kid for life. To know your parent doesn’t want to see you is damaging. This isn’t going to make your fiance feel any better about his decision not to get involved in his son’s life — it’s going to make him feel worse.

But, again, there is nothing you can make him do. This isn’t about you — except to the extent it shows you your fiance’s character, and if you don’t like what you see, now is the time to make a break for it.

[Author]

Posts