[tina000]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. We are a mature couple. I am preparing to move in with him. I have had one thing bothering me and it was about a trip he took after our first two weeks of dating. We had been intimate and made it clear that we would not see anyone. When he took this trip he did not contact me the entire time he was gone. I have always been in wonder about this trip..something was not right. So I have questioned it a few times randomly throughout the year and he said..he was just busy and nothing more to it. So as I prepare to move in with him and take this great big step, I have been nervous because this still remains a mystery to me. So last night I sat down and told him how I felt and well he told me what happend. That prior to meeting me he met someone online and made plans to take this trip and meet them. He wanted to follow through even though we met to make sure..Well they enjoyed 3 days together and slept together twice. After the 3 day trip he figured out I was the better match for him and told her it woudnt work out between them. So he has now come clean. Yes, I pushed for the truth., it bothered me and my intuition was right. Problem is, now I am hurt over knowing he slept with me, her, and came back to me and I had no idea until now. What does this say about him? Is it wrong for me to feel hurt when the relationship was only two weeks old at the time and should I hold him accountable even though I pushed for the truth?

[peachalexandra2011]

well, i think u should asking him why he even wanted to met this girl online for? and why he didnt tell u the truth in the first place or atleast if he was on vacation why didnt he called if u were his gf. I think he wanted to keep a secret from u not to tell u the truth. So basically he cheated on u with another girl from online, and trying to see how things work out bwt them, and since things didnt work out he came back to u. tht is very wrong!

[AskApril Masini]

It should be understood that when you first start dating someone, you’re not a committed couple just yet. Dating is a process you can use to decide if you want to continue seeing someone and commit time and energy to them and a relationship with them. It’s very normal to date the field until you find someone you want to be monogamous with. That’s what your boyfriend was doing. He really didn’t owe you an explanation for dating someone else — or even sleeping with someone else — during the first two weeks of dating.

What’s most curious is that you waited almost an entire year to let this get to you. My guess is that you’re bringing this up now, as you’re preparing to move in with him because you’re uncertain about taking this big step.

The bottom line is that he chose you over her and was loyal to you, as far as I can tell, for the rest of the year, and has asked you to move in with him! Make sure you’re really ready to move in with him — there’s nothing wrong with needing a little more time to figure things out.

But as far as being upset with him for something he did during the first two weeks of your relationship, I have to side with him on this one.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[tina000]

Thank you for the replies..so heres my update

First..To April., At the time he took this trip was 18 days into the relationship., He told me we were exclusive and one of the reasons I allowed myself to sleep with him. I had already had a 3 day trip with my friends planned and he had already had his “So called Vacation Planned” prior to when we met. The night before I left and he left for “our seperate trips”, we were very much into each other. I did not wait a year or to this moment of moveing in with him to question that week. I questioned him as soon as he returned from that trip because of the lack of communication during that time and he did not answer his phone when I called. I have randomly questioned him about that trip appx 4 other times the entire year, because I always felt there was a lie to it. To be as close as we were when we parted ways for these two seperate trips and he just not call me the entire 3 days was very odd. So with this said, he lied everytime it bothered me enough to question him throughout the year. I wasn’t a nag about it., It was just a thing that kept me reserved and I didnt want to move in with him feeling this way when everything else with him is so wonderful.
We are very much in love now and that is why the moving in thing is happening..I still had this nagging thought in my mind troubling me because it was the onset of the relationship., the foundation of it and I didn’t want it to be based on a lie. So the closer I am prepare to move in with him I wanted to do so without this on my mind anymore., that is when I sat him down and told him how I felt. I just wanted him to come clean so we can move on without any mistruths.
Since I orginally wrote to you a few days ago., he sat me down and talked to me without my asking to discuss the fallout from this revelation. He knows I am hurt over this but being silent with my thoughts. He reinterated what was on his mind back then and that this was planned before he met me. He said he knew I was the one when he left to go, during it., even having sex..it was just sex to him without any feeling and he said it was then he knew I was the one for sure. He said he just had to find out since this was someone he has conversed with on line for a long time before I came along as well as planned. He said he told her after the three days it wasnt what he wanted and tried to explain to her and she told him he didnt need to explain. He said he couldnt wait to get back to me and for real put 100 percent into the relationship. He said he has been 100 percent mine since..he has no doubts. He apologized to me and told me I had made so many comments about cheating and someone lieing that he was afraid to tell me because in all honesty that trip meant nothing and it was not worth losing me., our relationship was too new to handle the truth and because it was only three weeks into the realtionship when were both getting into the relationship he did not feel it should be a deal breaker.
So I have agreed to move forward with him and keep our plans., in some weird way I think this brought us closer because we have had no problems ever., it was a test to see how we communicate as a couple and he was very mature about it., he faced it head on and put my feelings first now that is. With all this said., is my decision a good one? I feel it is., I just want to make sure I am not ignoring a BIG RED FLAG!

[AskApril Masini]

I understand your hesitance. You have your own set of values that are important to you and you feel strongly. I’m not the one in your relationship. But from where I sit, I can tell you that what your boyfriend is saying to you is true. Men have sex because they can. For you, it’s different. Women become emotionally invested much more quickly and easily when they have sex, and that’s why you wanted to know if you were the only one he was sleeping with before you decided to sleep with him. He said what he needed to say to get what he wanted — from you and from the other woman — but this is what guys do. You can’t hold him up to standards that you have for women or children. He’s a man. He acts like a man. You have to find a way in your heart to understand this.

That said….. I still stand by what I wrote you — it was early in the relationship and in spite of his telling you what he did, he was going to find out who he wanted to be with. That’s normal. I know it’s not normal for you, but you’re writing me for my opinion, and I think what he did is normal. Was it nice? Maybe not. Was it what you wanted? No. Could he have been more honest? Yes. Did he owe you that honesty three weeks into dating? Not necessarily. Should he have lied? No. Should you have pressed him with your question at the three week mark? No. If monogamy was that important to you, should you have waited until you got to know him better? Yes.

I know you’re not going to agree with my questions and answers in the above paragraph, but that’s my opinion. I think the fact that what happened, happened so early in the relationship, and he hasn’t cheated or lied since then, is a good sign for your future together. But YOU have to be the one to let go of your hurt and anger and mistrust in order to let this relationship flourish. If you can’t, this is the time for you to be honest with yourself and him.

I hope that helps. I know this is difficult for you to reconcile. I’m here if you need me.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[tina000]

Thank you April…I was seeking your thumbs up. I hear you and I get it 😀

[AskApril Masini]

You’re welcome — and good luck! 😀

[Member]

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