[RainyDayQueen]

Okay, this is a long one.

For the past two years, I’ve been suffering from small scale depression. Still functional, but loss of interest in some things, including sex. I’ve been trying to be open and honest with my fiance about everything, trying to explain to him that it wasn’t him, it was my own hangup, and he seemed to understand. I told him if I couldn’t get better in time, I was concerned he would try to go get it somewhere else. He held me close and assured me that wouldn’t happen. He only wanted to be with me and wanted me to get better.

Until I found a naked picture of his coworker on our computer. When I confronted him about it, he told me that it was just a joke that had gone awry, that he didn’t think that she would actually send it. He said that they had been flirty at work (they both work in a bar, I’ve worked in a bar, I know how flirty staff can get with each other without any sort of line-crossing), and she was offering him flirty attention that I wasn’t. I tried to tell him that if she offered the picture and asked for his email, like he said she did, what part of that makes him think she’s not going to send it? But I honestly think he didn’t know what he was getting himself into. He had taken most of the week off of work, and didn’t have any more contact with her. I had emailed her back, asking what kind of girl sends that kind of picture to a taken man, and of course, no response. But she for sure knew I existed.

The next week, I saw that they had been emailing back and forth to each other. Emails didn’t say anything, he was trying to get her to figure out how to use the chat box, she was asking what he wanted to do online, followed by a lot of these: 😉 :P. When I confronted him about this, since in my head it was the last straw, he said that she had been texting him nonstop that day, saying she really needed to talk to him, and he didn’t want to. He said whatever she had to say she could do over email, but she couldn’t figure out the chat box. Then there was an email in his inbox from her, telling him all of the things she wanted to do to him, pretty explicit, that she was a “raging wildfire” and he better be careful. That he would start to fall in love with her. She was fun, smart, interesting, etc.

Well, he emailed her back and broke it off, told her not to contact him anymore, asked her to lose his number, all that. She just emailed back “ok”, which i think is too easy and makes me nervous. He left his job, so they don’t see each other anymore.

My question it what to do when it feels like there is more to this? I don’t believe he is telling me everything. It’s just a feeling that I have, I don’t really have any proof. Should I keep him around when the issue was that I wasn’t giving him enough flirty attention, and now I don’t trust him enough to want to flirt with him? What I really want to do is confront her about it, but I know it won’t do any good, and as of yet she doesn’t know who I am or what I look like. How do I begin to trust him again?

I’m afraid this could end my engagement.

[AskApril Masini]

The problem isn’t this other woman. The problem is that he’s not feeling taken care of in his relationship he has with you. Your lack of interest in sex and lack of sexy flirting, is making him more receptive to other women who are into this. 😳 I don’t know how old the two of you are, but it’s normal to have a healthy sex life, especially when you’re newly engaged.

My advice is that you put your energy where the problem really is — at home! Make your life together more sexy, more flirtatious, and make him feel like he’s the luckiest guy in the world to be marrying you. If he feels that way, he won’t be looking elsewhere. 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Purplerain]

RainydayQueen,

I am sorry to read about your depression. When we are depressed everything we do and feel springs from and into a negative flow. Two years is a long time to feel this way. As April said you have to acknowledge and take responsibility for your part of the relationship. Find in yourself the desire to enjoy your fiancé and cultivate it. Now that is like a weak muscle, you have to train it. This ability to feel and be desiring and desirable grows when you use and encourage it.
Start taking very good care of yourself, your hair, your nails, your body. Buy new flirty underwear, look sexy and you will feel sexy . This requires effort . You have to break the depression, don’t let it break your love life.
The emotion of sex is very strong, especially in men. Some people frown on this but I think that is actually good when you are lucky to find a virile, sexual man. Would you prefer a cold , disinterested man ?!
Go for therapy , exercise ! Exercise is a natural medicine for depression, it gives you a refreshing, irresistible glow. Do it till the point you will fall in love with yourself again to the point when you will never ever want to go back to the old RainydayQueen, you will become LovelyglowingQueen.
Seduce him, surprise him make him fall in love with you again.
I have read April’s book Think&date like a man, several times. I thought I knew a lot but when i read the book and started APPLYING her advices my love life became much better.
I wish you will bring out the tremendous power that you have and it’s hidden under your depression. Do it sooner than later.

[AskApril Masini]

I love [b]purplerain’s [/b]advice. 😀

I’m not a medical physician, but I do know that if you have chronic depression it’s going to affect your relationships with other people and therefore, is worth taking seriously. Sex actually will make you feel better — even though it may be difficult to get into — but you should try it. You’ll make two people happy (your fiance and yourself!). 😀

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