[confusedinlove]

At this point I’m confused, upset, hurt and at times miserable.
My bf and I have a different “story,” he has A LOT of baggage…long story short a house that is going to be foreclosed on (unresolved for at least 5 yrs), major credit card debt (again, at least 5 yrs), another child that he doesn’t have any communication/relationship with (going to be 1 yr old in the next month). I get tired just thinking about it…he likes to push things aside rather than deal with them until he has no choice but to deal with it all….then there is me. I’ve never been married, don’t have credit card debt, have a good job with benefits and have tried to make decisions that will only help my future…
We have a son that is going to be 7 months old next week (birth control doesn’t always work) and I’m currently a stay at home mom (my job gives me up to a year maternity leave). SO…in order to be closer to his business we moved about an hour and a half away from my family and job. I’m at home with our son all day (loving every minute of it because I don’t want to miss anything) but I’m lonely. I don’t have any friends in the area, I’ve joined mommy groups but haven’t found anyone that I really “click” with. My bf owns his own business and has been working harder than ever before to grow his business and support the 3 of us, so I know he is trying but I’m unsettled…
A month after our son was born my bf began “talking” to another woman, I found the text messages and confronted him immediately. We were going thru a rough patch (my emotions after just having a baby, him at work constantly, being new parents)…but rather than put the effort into our relationship he started talking with someone else. It lasted no longer than a week and a half…my gut told me something wasn’t right and his behavior was very off so I looked at his phone…and found the texts. Disgused under one of his friends names…obviously he knew he was doing wrong. He locked a picture of her in his phone…to which he has never been able to explain to me why if she didn’t matter to him.
So…I have trust issues…I don’t know if he is always honest with me. He can get very angry and say hurtful things (that are difficult to forget) but I’m in love with him. I accept all of his baggage, I have always been there to support him since we got back together, he tells me that he wants to be with me and have a future with me but his actions don’t always show me that…???

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Actions speak louder than words — and I’m sure that I’m not the first person who’s said that to you. If your boyfriend says he is committed to you, but acts otherwise, you should trust your instincts and his actions.

You haven’t really asked me a question, so I guess you just wanted to vent your problems and feelings — which are all understandable.

What I would caution you about is marriage. If you do marry him, his debts become yours, and because you are so interested in your own financial security, you’d be wise to consider this. It is disappointing that he does not see or support his child from another girlfriend. That child deserves a father and child support from the father.

Your decision to move an hour and a half away from your job and your family to support his business, when he hasn’t proposed marriage to you, was a bad decision — but not irreparable. I know you were probably wishing the new baby would make him someone other than who he is – responsible! – but it hasn’t.

As your maternity leave winds up, you should seriously consider moving back to be close to your job and family so you can have support with your son when you go back to work. And if things don’t work out with your boyfriend, your support system will be in tact. That might also be the time when you decide whether or not to stay with your boyfriend the same way you’ve been committed to him up until now.

I know that you say you love him, but this is a guy who’s cheated on you, is a bad father to his 1 year old with another mother, has some serious debt issues, and who you’re not sure you trust. Love? I don’t think this is what love looks like, but I’m quite certain this is not what a good husband and father looks like.

Re-consider your choices, and let me know how things go.

[Member]

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