[hans]

Hi,
I’ll try to make it short. I’m having difficulties understanding a married woman I met recently. We kind of work together but at separate locations and we meet rarely. I know she is married but the first time I met her I felt from her looks that she likes me and it was in a way that I had to check about the fact she is married immediately. I really felt there was something strange immediately.
She is warring a marriage ring, so she makes it clear to everyone she is married.
After the first meeting we worked jointly on a task, a task I usually do with others, I never had such number of calls on such assignment ever other than the visits just to check how things are going.
The strange thing is that throughout all the calls and visits the subject was only work. After the assignment ended our contact is only through some very fast visits when she is around.
Another strange thing is that I tried to send her some friendly emails just to keep the contact and I was ignored. Afterwords I sent her an email saying that I’m sick of being ignored and that I will never email her anymore. Then she replied immediately with the typical answer of being busy and a promise to think of more joint tasks so we can meet.
My questions are:
How reliable is our inner feeling that someone likes us
Is she interested or only being friendly
Why does she create this entire situation if she is not willing to go any further
Why does she reject my friendly approach though she was more outgoing with me
Mail ignoring is just a game or sign of no interest. At the end its just a friendly email that she can easily answer with any uninterested reply and I would stop immediately
Do you expect such situation to escalate or vanish slowly
Final words, I’m really interested in your analysis of the situation not an advice to walk way. Its important for me to understand how a woman is thinking in such situation

Thank you.
Hans

[Ask April Masini]

You know, it’s great to go after a woman who is available to you, but this married woman really hasn’t given you any reason to pursue her. I think you’re fantasizing about what is going on between the two of you rather than accepting the reality that she has never brought up a personal relationship with you, a date with you, or even an after work drink with you, and although you may [i]sense[/i] a flirtation, the reality is it’s a sense you have and not clearly evident. In fact, when you pursued a social relationship with her via e-mails, she doesn’t respond and has never spoken to you about anything BUT work. 🙁

So, in response to your questions, in your specific situation I think your inner feeling that she likes you isn’t enough to act on. She isn’t showing genuine interest in a way that I’d suggest you ask her out. Although you think she’s creating a “situation” I see no evidence of anything but a possibly flirtatious work relationship and nothing more. That’s not enough of a “situation” for you to date her or expect more from her. She’s rejecting your friendly approach because she’s married and not interested in being friends with you. Her ignoring your mail and e-mails is her way of showing you she isn’t interested. And again, the “situation” you wonder about won’t vanish — because it doesn’t really exist.

I know you said you only want my analysis, but not my advice to walk away, but you’re limiting me so you don’t have to deal with the reality of the situation — the same way you’re trying to limit her so you don’t have to understand the situation. This isn’t about her — it’s about you. She isn’t interested. She’s married. She’s not giving you the come on in any real way. There is nothing for you to cling to, but you don’t want to accept that. 😳

If you don’t walk away, you’re going to spend an inordinate amount of time “analyzing” the situation and frankly, wasting your time.

Sorry.

I hope you’ll join me on Facebook. You can become a free member of AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Anonymous]

Dear April,

Thank you for this fast and helpful reply. It really did wake me up. I think you are correct with your analysis that she is not interested in a relationship and this is truly what made me wonder a lot. Usually I’m not the kind of person that would really run after an uninterested married woman. Actually, the word married is the border i won’t think of crossing normally.
After getting the feeling that my emails are being ignored i got the same impression as you did that she is not interested specially that she is married. But, what keeps me wondering is why would a person ignore a friendly email and then few days later visit me in my office for no reason. Even on the phone she is way too friendly even after ignoring the mails. It doesn’t make sense.
The issue for me is not having a relationship with her rather than really understanding this fluctuation in behavior when dealing personally or via email. Personally i trust face to face communication and though we are always talking business i still feel there is attraction.
My question now would be why is she ignoring my mails while remaining very friendly in person. Normally after knowing my intention and being uninterested to the point of neglecting my mails at least i should feel change in her approach to me. She should keep a distance which is not happening.
I know this is going no where but somehow the situation makes me very curious to know whats going on. It would be much easier for me if she simply tells me to get the hell away. Usually i trust my judgment on people and i believe in my ability to translate body language efficiently. It always works. Except here where i feel lost not for not having her but for loosing trust in my senses.

Best regards,

Hans

[Ask April Masini]

Life is rarely black and white. It’s usually many shades of grey, and that’s what you’re picking up on. Your instincts are correct — she does like you and she is probably attracted to you, too. That’s why she’s friendly and sometimes overly friendly. That said, her limits are clear to her. She is fine flirting with you because for her that’s innocent. She will not cross a line in the sand that she has for herself, which is returning your personal e-mails or giving you the impression she’d like to be asked out on a date. You’re clearly getting that message, too, but you don’t like it. 😕 It’s not a contradiction as much as a set of boundaries that define her.

Just because someone is married doesn’t mean they’re dead! 😆 They can still have sexual and romantic feelings about other people that they know, don’t know, would like to know, etc. However, one of the things that makes human beings a higher species is our ability to make decisions and act on them, rather than acting on our feelings. You can have feelings about a person — whether they’re sexual, violent, romantic or condescending among others — but that doesn’t mean you choose to act on those feelings. Every day you have choices about how to behave.

For example, if you have road rage and want to give someone the finger, curse at them, or even hit their car — you use your higher judgment and keep that rage to yourself. Or you vent to a friend after the fact about how the incident made you feel. But you don’t act on your feelings of rage. The same is true of lust. If you see a wildly attractive woman that you want to sleep with, you contain those feelings and act on a set of social skills you’ve acquired over the years by deciding if she is someone you choose to court and conquer or leave alone because she’s not available and move on.

This woman has feelings that she likes you, but she doesn’t want to date you because her marriage is her boundary. She’s showing you she likes you, but she’s also showing you her boundaries. I hope that makes sense.

And…I hope you’ll join me on AskApril.com on Facebook. Here’s the link for that site: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Anonymous]

Dear April,

I think you are absolutely correct. Thank you for the help. Its really great of you that you give your time and experience to help others.

Thanks again and god bless you.

Hans

[Anonymous]

Dear April,
What would be the best to get out of it. Shall i just ignore her to make her feel she lost something or try more to be friendly. how can seduce her if i want to. In other words, what should be my next step. I don’t want to date her or have sex with her but i want her as some kind of a friend a real close friend. what shall i do.

Best
Hans

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you for your kind words — I’m very glad I could help you! 🙂

As for your followup questions, it’s important for you to figure out what YOU want — in life and then from her. If you’re looking for an affair with her, then seduction is the way to do that. If you’re looking for an unencumbered girlfriend, then you’d be wise to look for someone who’s more available to you. If you’re looking for a wife, then for sure look for someone who doesn’t already have a husband! 😆

If you want her as a friend, then make sure your social and sexual needs are taken care of elsewhere, otherwise you may end up blurring the boundaries and trying to get her to satisfy those needs you have. In other words, if you really want a platonic friendship with her, making her feel like she’s missing something by not having you as her lover or boyfriend is only going to elicit sexual and romantic feelings in her. Ask yourself if that’s your real goal. ❓

The answer to your question hinges on what YOU want for YOU in YOUR LIFE beyond her. When you know that, you can decide where she fits in.

I hope that helps.

And I DO REALLY hope you’ll join me on Facebook. It’s free. It’s easy. Just find AskApril.com on Facebook at this link and become a member. [url][/url]. 🙂

[Anonymous]

Dear April,

Thanks again. I hope I’m not asking for too much from you. I think she would fit best in the gategory of a fried. More than that is unreachable and it was never my intention from the begining. Also, both of us have our socail and sexual needs taken care of somewhere else.
It was always my intention to have some kind of frienship with her regadless of the emotional attraction between us and i also don’t want it to go beyond that. As i mentioned erlier all verbal comunication between us was on friendly bassis but i think the nonverbal comunication lead somewhere else and thats why i think she considers me as a threat to her marrige and thats why she started ignoring me.
Is friendship still possible between us. How can i communicate my real intentions to her.

I really appreciate your help.

Hans

[Ask April Masini]

You can definitely extend your friendship to her by consistently being friendly and offering her opportunities to be friendly with you or back to you. Whether or not she accepts your offers of friendship is up to her. Don’t forget that she has a whole life you know nothing about, so her backing away from you may have nothing to do with you. I mean, for all you know, her husband may be wildly jealous and caught her being friendly with another man in her life, and she’s reacting towards you based on her husband’s reaction to another man. That’s just an example, but I hope you’ll keep in mind that her reaction to you may not have to do with you.

That said, try it! If she continues to ignore you, at a certain point that I’m sure you’ll come to recognize on your own, you’ll have to take no for an answer if that’s what you get over and over. But if she does become your friend, then it will be because you’ve been patient and persistent — both good qualities in anyone! 🙂

I hope that helps — and that you’ll join me on Facebook. I’d REALLY like to have you as a free member of AskApril.com on Facebook. Here’s the link to join: [url][/url]. 😀

[Anonymous]

Dear April,

You are amazing. I’m following your advice step by step. Emails started working, no more ignoring, even with nice conversations. I think things changed because i informed her earlier that i will no longer send her emails if she keeps ignoring me. It worked and i even get immediate replies.
Though she is replying in a nice way, she does not initiate the contact. Which is not a good sign.
One reason for change could be that she wants to keep the good work relation and the second reason could be that she is interested but taking it slowly.
Can you advise me on what might be the real reason behind this change.

Thank you.
Hans

[Ask April Masini]

Nice guys finish last, and you’ve stopped being that nice guy in last place. That’s what you’re seeing a reaction to. As for her not initiating contact, you have to understand that she’s conflicted because if she likes you, she has to juggle her feelings for you with the fact that she’s married, so that may be why she’s not initiating contact. And then again, it’s not her job to initiate contact. If you want a woman, then you should go after her.

You can read more about how to get Ms. Right in Date Out of Your League, a book I wrote for men who want to get the girl they think the can’t — and I help them to do so! I think you’ll get a lot out of the book and find ways to adapt the strategies in the book for your real life situations. Here’s the link for the book: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. Let me know what you think.

I hope that helps. Join me on Facebook this weekend. You can become a free member of AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Anonymous]

Hi April,

Its been almost a year and i haven’t moved a single step. in my last post i mentioned that mails started working and i really thought i accomplished something. That single email was so perfect that i thought i reached what I desired. unfortunately, that was the one and only mail she replied to and ignoring started all over again. Again, ignoring mails and being so nice in person. I started ignoring her too so as to end this crazy story but i never succeeded. Seeing her and the way she behaves always gives me the feeling to keep trying but with no success at all. She never behaves as uninterested. Even if i ignore her she is starting the talking. Next day I send her an email and she is someone else totally ignoring me.
I want to end this but don’t know how. She is always on my mind and one glance from her starts things all over again. As you mentioned earlier i thought it is because of her marriage but after all this time she should have decided to go after her marriage and show me that she is not interested which is a thing I started wishing. Its either that she is crazy or I am.
What do you think? What does she want? how can I put and end to this situation.

Thanks a lot
Hans

[Ask April Masini]

It’s been six months — and I can tell you you’re wasting your time with a married woman. Why didn’t you take my advice about reading Date Out of Your League [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]? 😯 I can lead you to water, but….if you really want to make the changes you need, you have to read this book and follow the advice. Stop wasting time with a woman who isn’t available to you. If you want to stop, simply do it. Change your behavior. The book will help you. 😉

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