[lady12]

My friend was involved in a long distance relationship when we met and fell in love. He has to travel and wants to meet her in person to tell her about us. The thing is he thinks the proper way to break up is face to face. He also said he would not mind going out with her as they are friends and he might spend a couple days at her place. I am opposed to his going out with and visiting her home. Is that wrong?

[kai]

let me get this straight. he was going out with her when he met you, now he wants to go see her, go out with her and spend the night at her place — supposedly to breakup with her — and you want to know if that sounds kosher?

you’re kidding right? 😯

this guy is totally full of you-know-what! ❗ ❗ ❗

[Ask April Masini]

If your boyfriend travels for a living, and he just happens to be traveling to the city where his soon to be ex-girlfriend lives, then it makes sense that he would want to break up face to face. If you trust this guy, then his breaking up in person is a gentlemanly way to end things. Remember the episode of Sex and The City where one of the girls got broken up with by a post it note? It seemed like the ultimate insult that the boyfriend couldn’t even break up on the phone. Clearly, breaking up in person is the best mannered way to do things. It brings closure and finality and is respectful of the other person and the relationship.

That said, closure and finality is what he should be looking for in a break up. Spending the night at her house after he breaks up with her and wanting your approval is manipulative and disrespectful of you. Spending a few days at her house after the break up really makes the breakup seem like a charade. Going out with her “as friends” immediately after the break up sounds like reconciliation to me.

I think your boyfriend wants his cake and to eat it, too. In other words, he wants you and he wants her. And your discomfort with his attitude is right on. You don’t really need my advice — you already know what to do. You just want me to say what you’re thinking! And luckily, I’m happy to do that.

Don’t fight with him, but tell him that as long as he is going to be spending the night or going out as friends with his long distance maybe ex-girlfriend, you’re not interested in giving him your heart or your time. Give him the choice, let him make decide, and then act appropriately, meaning, if he has to see her and you, he doesn’t get you. Period.

[Ethan Morales]

Your instincts here are completely valid. Wanting your boyfriend to break up with his long-distance girlfriend face-to-face is reasonable. closure is important, and doing it respectfully in person is mature. The problem isn’t the breakup itself; it’s the idea of him spending extra time at her place afterward or treating the breakup as a chance to hang out “as friends.” That crosses a boundary.

April’s advice nails it: his proposal to visit her for a couple of days after the breakup isn’t about closure it signals he’s trying to keep access to her while pursuing you. That’s manipulative and disrespectful to you. You’re right to feel uncomfortable.

You’re not being controlling or wrong for setting boundaries. The healthiest approach is to communicate clearly: if he’s going to spend extra time with her or hang out socially afterward, then he can’t have your trust or commitment. You’re giving him a choice, but you’re also protecting yourself emotionally.

It’s fine for him to handle the breakup face-to-face, but anything beyond that overnight visits, extended hangouts, or casual “friendship” immediately after is inappropriate if he wants to be with you. Your feelings and boundaries are valid, and he needs to respect them.

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