[Anonymous]

Hello,

Let’s call him A.

A, as I could see online, was briefly involved with some girl (not officially) and it suddenly broke off. Soon afterward A started chatting me up online, being a little bit flirtatious, and we met for coffee soon afterward. This was one week ago. Since then we’ve seen each other four times, each involving him asking me out, picking me up and insisting to pay for everything. He has also texted/IMed/called me every day since. After the first date (coffee), literally ten minutes after he dropped me off, he texted: “You’re so awesome, and very cute.” He also asked me that night to hang out again, which we did on Tuesday. He came over and again, right after he left, he texted: “Can I tell you something? You’re beautiful.” He also asked to hang out again after that night, which we did Thursday. That night after he dropped me off, I texted him, saying I think I was starting to have a little bit of a crush on him. This is where the snag begins.

His response to that text was: “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say. There’s a lot you don’t know about me and I’m kind of nervous to tell you.”
My reply: “You’re a really great guy and I enjoy being around you. And whatever else there is doesn’t matter as much to me.”
Him: “You’re amazing. I enjoy being around you too. You know how you said you’re kind of seeing someone else? (Which I had told him before) Well I kind of am too but I don’t know where it’s going. Don’t get me wrong, I’m starting to like you too 🙂 I just don’t have it all together. I just don’t want to hurt you.”
Me: “Well this sort of stuff is all about taking risks so I’ll take that chance. I’d love to keep hanging out and we’ll see what happens.” Then, “Plus, you never know who’s best for you until you’ve met and gotten to know them.”
Him: “Okay, good 🙂” and, “That’s for sure. So that means we need to hang out more.”
Me: “Of course! I really like hanging out with you.”
Him: “Good, ’cause I like hanging out with you.”

So, from that conversation, what I got is that he does like me, and he’s unsure what’s happening with this other girl, but he still wants to get to know me and if he likes me more, wants to pursue a relationship with me.”

We planned to watch a movie at his place Sunday, which was yesterday. After he dropped me off he asked if I’d want to hang out later again, I texted him this: “How does swinging at the park in the dark sound? With a little bit of hand holding? 🙂” His reply: “Yeah that could happen, I don’t know though. I have a lot of things to do after work :/” Then I said: “Sorry if I sounded pushy. I just wanted you to know that if you’d like to hold my hand, I won’t mind.” He gave me a smiley face but then said this: “Sorry if I seem distant towards you. It’s just I’m seeing someone else and I don’t know where it’s going because we aren’t dating. But don’t think I don’t want to hang out with because you’re so fun and I love chilling with you. I just don’t want to hurt you Jenn.”

ARG!

I said: “It’s okay, I’m a big girl and can handle it. But if you get to know me more you might find you like me more. But you won’t know that until you give it a chance. And if you feel we aren’t compatible then we can just continue to be friends.” And he said, “You’re so awesome Jenn 🙂“

I am so confused. I don’t know what he’s trying to say. He put this all in motion, and he’s not committed to this other girl. He says he likes me and he wants to hang out so much already, I just don’t see why he won’t explore the romantic feelings that are starting to evolve. I thought maybe I should just lay off, not mention anything like that again and get to know him even more. We really click and have the exact same interests and personality type, so we could get really close. Then, if in a few weeks he still hasn’t clarified what’s going on, I can start to ask a few questions, like if he has feelings for me and if he wants to pursue it.

What do you think? What would you do in this situation? And what do you think about what’s going on? Anything you care to advise on, I’ll take!

Thank you so much!
Jenny

[AskApril Masini]

Hi Jenny!

First of all, one of my rules of getting a guy is to never, [i]ever[/i] chase him in any way. So I’d advise you to stop doing that right away. You can really tell if a guy likes you by the amount of chasing after [i]you[/i] they do. When you start telling them that you want him to hold your hand, you’re the one doing the chasing! 😕 Men like to feel like they’re the man in the relationship and that they’re making the moves. When you take that opportunity away from them, then you don’t give them a prize (you!) to chase after. So stop chasing him, and making it too easy for him, first of all.

Second, listen to him, and don’t bend his words. If you do, you’ll see clearly what’s going on. He’s told you he’s dating someone else. He’ll call you when he’s ready. He’ll ask you on a date when he’s ready. He’ll hold your hand and kiss you if and when he’s ready. That’s how you’ll know if he likes you, and how much he likes you.

Third, by dissecting and super-analyzing every text and IM he sends you, you’re looking for clues that there’s something more going on than the human eye can see. Relax, Sherlock Holmes. There are no clues. 😉 He’s being straight up with you. He likes you enough to flirt and date casually, but he’s got someone else he’s also dating, and is committed to. Don’t push. What’s going on is crystal clear.

So, I hope I’ve answered your question, and you now know how to handle this situation — by hanging back, and letting him make all the moves, but by also understanding that he’s playing the field.

[Member]

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