[CCBaxter]

Hi,

So, I met this amazing girl 8 years ago – wonderful, sweet, vivacious, gorgeous, smart, funny – a perfect match (other than that I’m not gorgeous, exactly)… We had seven years together, a beautiful time, imagined our futures, and frankly had the Paul & Linda McCartney style “love forever/this is it/let’s never spend a day apart” kind of relationship. We were envied by others! Other couples would hang out with us to lend stability to their relationships. I can honestly say I’ve never been aware of a happier or more “perfect fit” of a couple. We truly, truly love each other.

And then, early this year, out of nowhere (literally, I’ve talked to all her friends, this was just as much a shock to them as it was to me – almost), she says she wants to take a break, date other guys, see what else is out there, before we get married, have kids (which we talked about a lot)…Two weeks before, she was talking engagement rings… The, She asked me to move out of the place we co-owned (with another couple, her best friend and the boyfriend who incidentally got dumped six months before I got my pink slip), and there was an honestly good vibe, that the time apart would do us good, and we’d inevitably reunite better than ever.

But that time period passed and has now almost doubled. To make matters worse, the minute I moved out, we began to make plans to see each other. We’ve seen each other (bike rides, Disneyland, movies, dinner) every week during this “break” – and when I’ve tried to pull away, she reels me back in by calling on my for emotional support.

It’s not just me, you see. It seems her whole world has gone out-of-whack. She’s very depressed. And I know she still loves me (although maybe not the “in love” feeling she’s wishing she could have again, that first year or so with someone new)… and I also know she’s done very little or no dating at all during this time. (Neither have I)… She spends most of her time alone in her room, sad.

I was just with her last night (no physical intimacy), and I couldn’t tell whether I was helping or hurting. She’s so sad, this bright spirit I fell in love with. And here I am suffering, without female companionship, my mom just died (no lie), and here come the holidays.

What is this? When I ask her (or when anyone asks her) her only answer is “I’m confused, I don’t know what I want”… or, “I love you, but I don’t know if i want you as my friend, my husband, or my boyfriend”

Trust me, every “standard cliche” here has been investigated. No, it doesn’t appear she’s hoping I dump her. No, it doesn’t seem she is wanting to through with the full break-up, but can’t get the guts up. She’s being totally selfish in life now, and if she wanted something (i.e. me out of her life) she would have it.

but I love her. And i know she loves me. And i can wait forever… but now she’s gotten into this “I don’t want to encourage you to wait because I don’t know how long I’ll be” accompanied with a “I always figure we’ll end up together”

Please. no “bros before hos” talk in any responses. I love this girl. I want her to be happy. She’s been as good to me as she can during this time. But she seems to be fading deeper and deeper into this funk.

[prariebyu]

From what you have written it sounds to me like she is depressed and maybe doesn’t believe that she is ready to be a productive partner for you at this time. Perhaps she is feeling emotionally inadequate due to her depression and wants to give you an opportunity to experience life while she goes through this period of depression. Or, perhaps, she is just not sure about committing to marriage at this time.

It’s hard when the one you love is not feeling 100%. I empathize with your feeling that you want her to be happy and are willing to do everything you can to support her. But she seems to need some time. The two of you set a time limit on your break. Have you discussed the relationship and where things are going since the previously agreed date to end the break? Perhaps it is time to talk about it and ask her what she needs and what she would like to have happen before the two of you got your relationship back on track. She is obviously still interested in you and in having some kind of relationship with you. I think the two of you should have a heart to heart talk. It may do wonders if not illuminate and clear away some of the mystery.

If she is still ambivalent, then maybe you should try to withdraw from her a bit and see if that doesn’t spur the urge in her to recommit to you and the relationship. Just back off and give her some space and both of you some time. Time apart may be the best thing. If after some time spent completely seperate from one another you each feel the desire to continue a more committed path together then that’s what you will have. If not, then it’s time to move on in a different direction anyway.

I have recently gone through a short term break. My partner is also depressed about her some of her personal issues and future. The past 2 and 1/2 months have been hard. I had been trying to bend over backwards to express my love for her. I came to feel that I was doing 80% of the work in the relationship. A couple of days ago I pressed the issue feeling that I had nothing more to offer that might inspire or encourage her stay in relationship. I guess this did the trick because her ambivalence has disappeared and she now seems to be completed committed to our relationship and is also making strong efforts to commit to her personal path as well.

I don’t know if any of these will help, but I have found the following books to be very insighful, inspirational and helpful.

“Mastery of Love” Don Miguel Ruiz
“A Return to Love” Marianne Williamson
“A New Earth” Ekhardt Tolle

Good Luck

[JMG]

Um… just a thought… Could you talk to a therapist?? Maybe go together, or encourage her to seek one out herself? I’m not talking the “I’m going to be committed because I’m insane” kind of therapy…just someone else to talk to, to gain perspective, etc. If she’s religious (or you are), then maybe you could suggest her (your) preacher, pastor, priest, rabbi, etc. It may also be that she’s going through clinical/subclinical depression (caused by any number of things, including physiological problems). At any rate, if she feels that sad/depressed, sitting around in one’s room rarely does any good. I know that’s my shutdown mechanism, too…and if I continue with that, I generally end up wallowing in that self-pity, self-questioning, etc. for awhile until something (usually someone else) snaps me out of it. To combat this, I have to make sure that I really don’t start that retreat in the first place. If she’s already in that mode, it may be best for her to talk to someone outside of the situation.

[Ask April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you.

[Author]

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