[Ann25]

Dear April,
I have been for months in situation which I can’t resolve in any way, so I would appreciate very much Your valuable opinion. I was very committed to my studies and was very ambitious and started dating very late (24 years old) and my first boyfriend and first man was my until then best friend with whom I grew up (we know each other from childhood). I wasn’t in love with him, but he was very much in me and I felt safe and loving with him. We started living together and after few years we got married and got a child. In the mean time I finished my PhD, got employed in very good place, while he wasn’t much interested in furthering his education, but is quite hardworking and has a solid job. He is a good father, we get along all right but from my point of view always as good friends. More than a year ago I met and started to befriend a man who lives in another city (I was there for few months working on a project), whose family I knew from before and we started at first really beautiful friendship, which grew to a passionate love affair. He is two years younger than me, very intelligent, very attentive and was in some kind of depression until we started to “see” each other (his mother died and that had devastating effect on him plus he lives with his father and brother with whom he doesn’t agree that much). He would spend all day sleeping, going out with few friends, doing nothing (after mother’s death he stopped to go to the University). Since we talked so much and since I told him many times that he is wasting his life and intelligence, he decided to continue his studies (which in my opinion he wanted to do before, but didn’t have enough courage or strength) and he is doing well. But…since we parted in last October and I returned to my town I didn’t believe that our long distance relationship would have any chance and that I have to “make myself” go back in emotions and in everything else to my husband. But from then our relationship is only getting stronger and stronger – he calls me many times during the day, we talk on Skype, message each other all day long, talk every evening for few hours, manage to see each other at least once in a month and we are more and more closer and I feel completely lost. Since this relation is going on for almost a year we talked few days ago when we saw each other and he is very convinced that this is only current situation and that we’ll start to live together when he finishes his studies (two more years) that is that he’ll come to live in my town. I know that he loves me as I know that I love him. But while he is more stable in his emotions and more enduring, I find it very difficult that we are not together, I miss him every minute of the day, I think about him constantly..On the other side, my husband (who is off course as my long time friend someone who knows me well) notices that I am distant, asks me what is wrong since I don’t want to have sex with him, I try to explain him that I am troubled and very confused in the moment…In all of this, the only good thing is that I am as always very close and committed to my child whose happiness is everything to me. And from that comes my main dillemma – since my child is very connected to my husband, loves very much his father, am I in right to want to live with another man and deprive my child of his primary family? Am I right to seek my own happiness or am I to stay in loveless marriage because of the happiness of my child? Off course, things are not as simple as i wrote here, but I hope that You’ll understand and be kind to give me Your opinion. Thank You in advance!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re missing something here…… I understand that you got married and had a baby, and then cheated on your husband and now want to get divorced to be with this other man. Here’s what’s missing: Why not just work on the marriage you have since you’ve already committed to your husband and you have a child together? 😯 It doesn’t sound like your husband has done anything wrong, and from what you’ve written, it’s not clear why you’re rejecting him.

Marriages are commitments that take work. It’s normal for your feelings to ebb and flow, but you have to rely on maturity and your commitment to each other to see things through. Especially, now that you’ve got a child, you’re considering wreaking havoc on her world for your own happiness. I’m sorry to tell you this, because I know it will hurt your feelings, but you’re being selfish.

There are situations when divorce makes sense. If one person becomes violent or if one person leaves and won’t come back — but most marriages that end in divorce do so as a result of laziness, selfishness and a sense of the right to dispose of a husband and a family.

My advice is that you work on your marriage. Also, you should realize that this guy you’re having an affair with probably won’t stick around. He hooked up with you shortly after his mother’s death, and from what you described, you behaved in a way that is motherly towards him. You guided him and told him to do better — these are motherly behaviors at a time when he was missing his mother. You filled a void for him, but he will heal from the death of his mother, and you may not look as attractive to him at that time. He’s also the kind of guy who would easily wreck a marriage with a child in it — these situations have a way of coming around to bite you down the road.

I hope this helps. I know it’s going to be difficult for you, but I think the result, in the long run, will be worth the work.

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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