[Miss her bad]

I have just gone through a divorce.Up until now she always told me she loved me and was always glad to see me.We have kids she has them.We separated over year ago and divorced last fall.I want us to get back together. She says she could never want anyone else but me.She says I am selfish . How can I get her back and let her know I would do anything for her and want only her.I am so lost and confused here any real help would be great.

[AskApril Masini]

Give me a little more information, like, how old you both are, how old your child/ren are, and how long you were together and married. Also, what are the reasons for the divorce?

I’ll answer your questions as soon as you fill me in! 😀

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[Miss her bad]

We were married almost 30 years.Youngst child is teenager. We came into some money my wife took most of it out and sent it to a realative of hers.She just left one day and told me nothing of the money.She told one of the adult kids that she thinkis I cheated on her 15 years ago.NOT TRUE I WAS A DRUNK back then but never cheated on her.we have always done for each other stood by each other I always worked all I could full time and some part time jobs.We had been talking about me moving closer to her She is now out of state.I have kissed her and held her many times we told each other we still love each other.
Now she says I am greedy and selfish and does not want me near her.What can I do to let her know I would do anything for her?

[AskApril Masini]

If you’ve been married for thirty years, her decision to leave is probably not something that is sudden for her. She probably thought about it for a long time before acting on it. If you want to show her you’ve changed, then you have to figure out what it is you’re willing and wanting to change. 😉 You mentioned that you were a drunk “back then”. Maybe you can fill me in a little more on what that means, and how it made her feel. Maybe that’s the behavior she’s referring to when she says that you’re selfish. I’m sure you know better than I do what it is that upset her — and that’s what you can address and try to change if you want to get her back. If you want to tell me a little more about what ended the marriage, maybe I can help you further. When a marriage ends, and one person wants it back, it’s a good idea to be honest about why it ended. Knowing that doesn’t mean you can definitely get it back, but you sure can’t get it back without know what caused it to fail. 😉 All that said, if the marriage failed because of something that had nothing to do with you, which is entirely possible, there’s not a lot you can do to fix it. For instance, if she regrets marrying very young, and wants to feel single because it’s a regret she’s always had, then the best you can do is wait for her to get that out of her system, all the while, getting on with your own life. Not easy! So first, figure out why she left, and then you can decide the best course of action.

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[Miss her bad]

She left I believe because of my family always putting us second to anyone else.I should have moved away with my wife and kids years ago.She also left because she is more of a free spender than me.I have bben completely broke before and never want to be there again.If I buy something its something I really need or something I can resale for more money.If I put my whole paycheck in the bank we could not save any.We came into some extra money she took it and left.My health is not good and I guess she did not want to help me anymore.That does not sound like her at all.I believe the money changed her and she is bringing up everything she can to justify taking it and leaving.I know she did really love me.She put up with my drinking and staying out all night for a couple years and I will never go back to that again.I would change anything for her.But believe she might have relatives giving her advise to stay single. I do not want anything but my caring wife and child back.

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like maybe you put your extended family ahead of the one you made with your wife and child, too — by not separating from them. 😳 The drinking and staying out all night — for a couple of years — is definitely damaging to a marriage. That’s a long time to put up with destructive behavior. It really sounds like the money she took was a tool for her to get away, but not the reason she left. The reasons do include financial incompatibility, but it sounds like there were some chronic relationship problems going on. This wasn’t something that just happened overnight.

My advice is to take your relationship with your child seriously. It’s very important for you to co-parent and your child deserves to have a relationship with you. If you can’t work out a co-parenting schedule that’s either in the same town, or you go for weekends to see your child, or whatever it is, then use the court system to enforce your rights and your child’s rights to have both parents in his or her life. That’s very important, and abandoning your child is going to create a lifelong scar.

As for getting your ex-wife back, I think that the best you can do, given what you’ve told me, is to get healthy and stay in touch. Over time, she may see the changes, but you simply telling her you’re changing or that you’ve changed, probably won’t do it. You’ve got a lot of water under the bridge. You’re not going to get her back over night because you’ve got years of destructive behavior that you’re going to have to show her — not tell her — you’re changing. If she sees you being a responsible and good father to your child, that may help.

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[Miss her bad]

Well having trouble getting her on the phone.When I call they tell me she is in the shower in the bed not there.I do get to talk to her sometimes but most of time not.I know its my state law I can call her twice a week but I have not pushed it up until now I thought it might work back out. I am just still in love and want to believe she is to.But I miss my kid really bad I know she misses me I think my inlaws and wife may have turned her against me.She always is very happy to see me.

[AskApril Masini]

I know it’s hard to do, but you have to accept responsibility for your part in this relationship instead of saying that others turned her against you. You didn’t have a short term marriage with her. It was 30 years. She’s not divorced because of her family. It’s because of her experience in the marriage. 😉 It’s time for you to take account for what happened and what your part was in getting to this moment, and then make changes. I know that you miss her and you want her back, but your feelings are actually less important than your behavior, now.

If you can’t get her on the phone, you can send gifts, love letters, e-mails — better not to push her to get on the phone if she doesn’t want to talk. You have a lot of damage control to do.

As for your kids, I suggested that you use the court system to enforce your rights to giving the kids a father in their lives. It’s very important that you be a good father. You may be divorced from your wife, but you’re not divorced from your kids. 😉 So, while I appreciate your saying that you miss your kids, your feelings are less important than theres right now, and you have a responsibility as their father to be in their lives. You can do it! 😀 But you have to actually do it. You can’t just talk about your feelings. 😉

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