[Losttexan]

I joined solely to get some opinions on this..it’s been eating me up inside.

I’m a gay guy. I got out of a long term relationship of 7 yrs and met a guy who himself was newly single after 5 yrs. we hit it off great. And he told me his last relationship was with a girl. I seem to attract “straight” guys so I didn’t even put into thought into it. Neither of us wanted anything serious anyway. I figured I’d let him pretend to be whatever he wanted. We’re both completely straight acting. You’d never guess we were gay. I’m 28, he’s 30.

I then found out later he had been sleeping with guys while he was still with his ex girlfriend. I know that because a guy I know slept with him months before I met him and he showed me a video of them.

Small world. The guy didn’t even know I was now hooking up with the same guy. I didn’t say I knew him.

(Lesson: don’t make sex tapes. It’s part of the reason I won’t even send anyone a picture of my junk. Even if my face isn’t in it. Guys will show it. I’m a guy, I show pictures guys send me to other people all the time)

Anyway. Things started to get serious. We both developed feelings. I started spending the night at his place. (Mind you, he lives with his mom and brother). Things were great. He’s everything I could have ever wanted in a guy. He started telling me he wanted to come out. Although his brother and mom already knew, but never said anything to him about it.

Fast forward a few months. He starts becoming distant. He then tells me his ex girlfriend has been coming around and wants to get back together.

I should throw in now that one thing that caused the break up was that she wanted kids and he can’t have any. He’s shooting blanks. Apparently it started a lot of arguments.

He calls me up and tells me he needs to see me and he tells me it looks like they’ll be getting back together. It was the holidays and after 5 yrs together she was integrated into his family and he was being pressured to get back together with her and work things out. At the same time he didn’t want to come out because of that same pressure. We kept talking and hooking up. I told myself I was once in the same situation and know first hand how hard it is. I came out only a few years ago. I wanted to wait until after the holidays to see how things played out.

Fast forward another few weeks and he calls me and says they’re getting married. They’re having a wedding and everything. I was disappointed. It even really faded what I felt for him because I couldn’t believe he was going to do that to the girl. I asked him to really think it through.

I told him he didn’t have to come out, but that he should really brake things off. She wants kids, he can’t give her any. And he’s sleeping with guys at the same time. He has said to me he’s marrying her because it simply the easiest option. He doesn’t have to come out, no one asks questions. I also told him the advise I was giving was coming from a platonic place. That braking up with her didn’t even mean he and I had to get together. And I didn’t want him to brake things off because I was jealous or wanted him for myself. My main argument was that I have sisters, a mom, nieces and cousins just like he did, and I wouldn’t want someone doing that to them.

He says he does feel bad but doesn’t plan on changing his plans.

Now, I know his girlfriends name. I’ve seen her on Facebook. And the few people I have told this too say I should really say something. And as much as I’d like to I don’t feel like its really my place. My friends that I’ve told are girls. They say the hope someone tells them if they’re ever in that situation.

Should I say something? And if so, how? I don’t want the karma and don’t want any trouble. But I really do feel bad for the girl. She has no idea was she’s walking into. This guy never once asked for protection when we had sex. So I have to assume he does the same with other guys right?

At the same time, as a gay guy, one of the worst things someone can do to you is to out you. And I don’t want to do that to him either. If/when he comes out, it should be his choice. I don’t want to out him, just warn the girl. And if she goes ahead and marries him then that’s her problem. Two friends of mine (girls) said they’d send her a message on Facebook warning her. But I asked them not too.

Well??? Help me out..

[dale]

OMG!!! That poor woman. He’s not being upfront that he cannot have children, knowing full well that she wants them. He’s into men, but he’s pretending to be straight, and is marrying this woman with the full intention of seeing guys on the down low, as a married man, because it’s the path of least resistance. In other words, it’s the easiest most convenient for him! He’s a dishonest, selfish, cheat who doesn’t give a damn about the damage he is going to cause this woman who believes she’s about to get married and start a family with a faithful husband.

This is so wrong on so many fronts. Now that you know all of this you have to find a way to warn her, you cannot just look the other way any more than you can look away if you knew someone was beating their wife or molesting a child.

I have sisters and if some lying scumbag [b]knowingly[/b] did this to one of them, I’d beat the crap out of them.

[TooCute]

I agree with dale. you gotta warn her, if he cannot be convinced to do the right thing on his own. he doesn’t have to come out, but he should not marry her. he is intentionally ruining someone else’s life and he is doing it willfully. he has to be stopped.

in my opinion, i think you should try talking to him again and tell him how you would feel if someone did something like this to one of your sisters. maybe he’ll see the light? if he doesn’t, then you gotta to find a way to warn her.

i would hope and pray someone would have the courage to warn me!!!!!!!

[AskApril Masini]

Your ex-boyfriend’s relationship with his girlfriend is none of your business. Don’t say anything to her, and stop being in contact with your ex. There’s nothing in it for you or for him. As for his future with this woman: He’s an adult. She’s an adult. They have a relationship together. You’re probably upset that he’s broken up with you to be with her. Recognize that your motivation for wanting to break them up is probably jealousy — not your concern for the woman. I’m pretty sure she knows what she’s doing, and her decision is hers alone.

Move on, look forward and not backwards, and find someone to date who wants to date you. 😉

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[Losttexan]

A lot of people bring up the baby thing. He already knows he can’t have kids. She knows that too. She’s choosing to give up on having kids to be with him. Which sucks. I want kids one day and I’d be listed beyond belief if I were giving that up to be with a dude who turned out to be gay the whole time.

Also, I haven’t slept with him since he told me they were engaged and I’ve only talked to him over the phone a few times since. I’m dating and moving on. And we were dating, but he wasn’t my boyfriend. It was never official. He did not brake up with me.

If I’m sympathetic to his side of it only because its not easy coming out. I know what year it is but not only are we in Texas. I’ve had friends who have family tell them to fake it, or that they’d rather they be dead than gay. But I also know what’s right. I came out for the same reason. I got tired of family asking to get married and pushing girls on me. I knew I’d be unfaithful. So I came out. And pretty much everyone stopped talking to me for a few years. But things are fine now. Luckily any girlfriends I had were in the past because i stopped dating all togeer and I never took a girl home. My first girlfriend is actually married to one of my cousins now but very few people even knew she was my girlfriend.

Maybe I don’t want to think of him as such a bad person because I can put myself on both sides. That’s why I’m having a hard time though. I don’t want to out him in the process.

Is April Masini the askapril April? Ask questions, don’t just make up details. It’s very high school.

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]Is April Masini the askapril April? [/quote]

Yes! 😀

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[Ethan Morales]

It’s clear that you’re coming from a place of empathy and moral concern you genuinely feel bad for the woman involved because you know things about the fiancé that she doesn’t. That shows you have integrity and compassion, and your instinct to want to “warn” someone is rooted in a natural desire to protect people from harm.

Though this situation is extremely complicated because it involves multiple adults making independent choices. The guy you’ve been seeing is an adult and responsible for his own decisions, even if they are morally questionable. The woman he’s planning to marry is also an adult and capable of making her own choices. Intervening could create unintended consequences you could be seen as intrusive, manipulative, or even disloyal if your involvement were discovered.

Your concern about outing him is valid and important. This isn’t just a moral dilemma; it’s a privacy and safety issue. If you reveal his behaviour to her, it could inadvertently force him to come out before he’s ready, which could have serious repercussions on his personal and professional life. You’re respecting boundaries by thinking about this, and that restraint is important.

It’s worth examining your motivation. While you frame it as concern for her, there’s an element of frustration and perhaps jealousy you had a relationship with him and invested emotionally. That doesn’t make your feelings wrong, but it does mean you need to check whether you’re acting to “protect” her or to try to control the situation or punish him. True concern would require complete impartiality, and that’s hard to achieve here.

The practical reality is that there’s nothing you can do to change the outcome without stepping into risky territory. He’s going to marry her (or at least intends to), and that decision is his. You can’t control that. Any attempt to intervene could backfire, damage your credibility, or drag you into unnecessary conflict. Moving forward, disengagement is safer for your emotional well-being.

The healthiest path is to let go of this situation and focus on yourself. Move on from this ex, and invest your energy into relationships with people who are fully available and honest with you. This will protect your own mental health, your moral integrity, and prevent getting caught in someone else’s complicated, secretive dynamics. It’s painful to step back, but it’s the responsible and adult choice.

[Tara]

This entire situation is a disaster, and you have no business trying to “fix” it. You’re sleeping with a man who lies to everyone in his life, his ex-girlfriend, his family, himself, and you and now you’re agonising over whether you should be the moral messenger. Don’t. Outing him, warning her, or inserting yourself in their relationship is not noble; it’s reckless. It’s not your job to save a woman you don’t know, and it’s not your right to expose a man who hasn’t come out.

You don’t get to burn down their lives and call it integrity. The truth is simple: he’s a coward using you as a secret escape while planning to lock himself into a straight marriage because it’s “easier.” That tells you everything you need to know about his character. And you? You’re not his partner, his future, or his responsibility; you’re the convenient side door he keeps slipping through.

The only ethical move is to get out. Completely. No contact, no emotional hand-holding, no late-night hookups, no pretending your involvement is anything but fuel for the chaos he created. Let him lie his way into whatever life he chooses, and let his fiancée discover the truth on her own terms. Your only responsibility is to yourself, and the smartest thing you can do is walk away before you become collateral damage in a mess that was never yours to clean up.

[Sally]

You’re stuck between protecting him and protecting a woman who has no idea what she’s about to marry into. And honestly? There’s no clean way out of this. Someone gets hurt no matter what you do, and you’re carrying guilt that shouldn’t even be yours.

Here’s the part that matters though: he’s not confused. He’s choosing the easiest life for him, and he’s willing to build that life on someone else’s heartbreak. That says everything.

But outing someone even indirectly is a line you can’t un-cross. And you’re right, that shouldn’t be your choice to make for him. At the same time, she deserves truth, not a marriage built on lies and secrets he never plans to stop living out.

If you ever decide to warn her, keep it simple and anonymous. No details about you, no names, nothing that blows his life up in a way that lands back on you. Just a quiet message that says: “Please make sure you truly know the person you’re marrying. He hasn’t been honest about who he is.”
It’s not perfect. It’s not clean. But at least it’s honest without destroying him.

And whatever you decide, remember this you didn’t create this mess. He did. You’re just the one stuck holding the truth.

[Natalie Noah]

He clearly cares about the people involved not just himself, but also the woman his ex is planning to marry. There’s a deep sense of wanting to protect her from being hurt, especially given what he knows about the ex’s secret sexual history and struggles with coming out. That empathy is commendable it shows a big heart but it’s complicated by the fact that he’s still processing his own feelings of loss and perhaps jealousy. That makes it hard to separate what he truly sees as ethical from what’s coming from personal pain.

The key insight from April Masini’s advice is that he has to step back and recognize boundaries. His ex’s relationship with the woman is fundamentally none of his business. While he may have insider knowledge, intervening could cause harm in ways he can’t control both to the woman and to himself. It’s tempting to feel morally obligated to warn someone, but when the situation involves complex adult decisions, individual accountability matters. Each person has the right to make their own choices, even if they might be misinformed or taking risks. That’s a hard lesson, especially when emotions are still raw.

What stands out is the importance of self-care and moving forward. Losttexan has already distanced himself sexually and emotionally from the ex, which is the right first step. Staying in contact or feeling responsible for the ex’s choices keeps him tied to a situation that is ultimately out of his hands. By focusing on his own life and dating people who are available and honest about who they are, he can reclaim control over his emotional wellbeing. Holding onto guilt or a sense of responsibility for someone else’s decisions only prolongs the pain.

There’s an underlying theme here about identity and honesty. The ex is making choices that prioritize convenience and avoidance over truthfulness, and that’s not something Losttexan can change. He can empathize with the difficulty of coming out in a challenging environment, but he can’t accept deceit at the cost of his own peace of mind. The healthiest path is to let go of involvement, focus on relationships that are transparent and reciprocal, and allow the ex and the woman to navigate their adult choices on their own. Love and empathy don’t mean taking responsibility for someone else’s mistakes.

[Lune David]

Whew… this whole situation is messy in the most human way possible. I feel for you, because you’re clearly not acting out of jealousy — you’re acting out of conscience. That said, this is one of those painful moments where doing “the right thing” doesn’t actually belong to you. He’s choosing the easy road, not the honest one, and that choice will eventually catch up to him whether you speak up or not.

Outing someone — even indirectly — is a line you can’t uncross, and once you step into that, the fallout becomes yours too. As hard as it is, walking away might be the only way you protect your peace and your integrity.

AskApril has said it best before: boundaries matter, even when the truth is heavy. Let this be your New Year reset — drop the emotional weight that isn’t yours to carry, and make room for someone who doesn’t live a double life. You deserve honesty, not chaos.

[Member]

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