[dudelikewhoaman]

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year now and we are in love. She is 25 and I am 35. Lately, things have gotten ugly and a communication breakdown is occurring. We can’t see eye to eye. I think she is at a point in her life where she needs to be a little selfish and concentrate on her. When I met her, she was a bit of a mess…no direction. She tells me I am the “best boyfriend she has ever had” and how much I have helped her grow. She has developed SO much in the time we have been together…I am so proud of her! She recently returned to college, scored a really rad job, got a super awesome roommate and finally decorated and put her house together!! I know this all sounds like ‘normal’ stuff…but she was lost for a bit.

The past few weeks have been rough. Fighting, making up, taking a few days apart, making up, fighting. I think we hit a wall the other night. Something needs to change. I can’t keep nitpicking the borderline inappropriate, inconsiderate things she does when either I am not around or when we go out with friends. I am not her father and don’t intend on playing that role nor do I want be some controlling asshole. At home, we are a perfect match…but once we go out with friends…she becomes immature and retarded. It’s like she wants to pretend she is single (not like cheating…just in spirit) and has freedom but expects me to be there for her when she feels she needs me. A lot of taking and not enough giving. Im like the breakfast in bed every other day, back rubs etc etc kinda guy…she has a hard time giving back. We have discussed the way she acts many times. She recognizes it and admits that she is in a selfish place in her life right now. That she doesn’t mean to hurt me just that she isn’t thinking and mostly likely taking me for granted. This is the first healthy relationship she has ever had and wants it but she doesn’t know how to juggle it with everything else in her life right now.

We are meeting up today and I think I need to break it off with her. It is sad and it is breaking my heart and I don’t want to do it…but she needs to become more stable and have time to grow. I think we both are going to be really crushed.

This really sucks because despite all the little immaturities that come out of her from time to time…we get along so great! I am in love with her and I am positive that the feeling is mutual. She is funny, makes me smile, all my friends love her (except when she does selfish immature things that wind up hurting me) and seriously inspires me. She makes me want to work even harder to succeed.

I know what I need to do…but I don’t at the same time. I want her to have time to grow up more and to figure out what she wants….but I don’t want to lose her for good. We need time…but I feel like if I give her too much, she will just move on and that will devastate me.

I feel like this is so complex. Any advice on how to handle this situation gracefully?? 😥

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This isn’t as complex as you think it is. 🙂 In fact, it’s simple. The bottom line is that you can’t have everything. You’re trying to, and that is what’s complicating things in your mind.

You can’t choose a woman who is so lost, fix her and then expect her not to revert back to that person she was when you met her. And you can’t break up with her and guarantee that you’ll stay friends. In fact, I NEVER recommend anyone stay friends with an ex because one person always feels or wants more than the other, and the ultimate pain is just prolonged. Breaking up cleanly is like ripping off a band aid and allowing the air to heal a wound completely. So, that’s what you need to do.

As for next time around, choose someone who is not so, as you put it, “lost”. Choose someone who doesn’t need you to fix them, and who you don’t want to fix. Choose a woman who is already the way you want her to be. Dating for potential is always a mistake. Instead, choose someone who’s more compatible with you. In this case it would be someone who’s a college graduate with a good job — all of which she did on her own! That way your relationship won’t be so focused on “fixing” her.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Member]

Posts