[blue21209]

Hi April,

For nine months, I had been dating a guy that I met in the workplace. He told me from day one that he was looking for a serious relationship. We immediately hit it off (in my eyes) and would see each other on the weekends and stay over each others houses and get together one day during the week.
He also wanted to wait and not have sex so that our relationship would be strong and we would connect on an emotional level first. I thought waiting was wonderful, since I was used to men wanting to have sex by the third date. So we waited and waited. By the fifth month, I was ready to have sex or at least oral sex but he said that he was not ready and wanted to wait a little longer. So we waited. In the meantime, we saw each other all the time and he called twice a day (morning and evening to just talk).
I took him to family events, introduced him to my parents and friends because I thought we were happy together. One thing, though, he didn’t want anyone at work to know about us because he said that could cause problems. I honored his request; however, a couple of months into the relationship, he asked me if it was alright that he tell his good friend John (who is also my boss) about us. I agreed, and my boss was very happy for us.
To fast forward, he decided to plan a 7 day cruise for my November birthday. I did not ask him for this cruise but was excited to go away with him for 7 days. I should also bring up that I did not see him for three weekends before the cruise as he was in one of his “moods.” We still talked on the phone every day, but he said that he was working on getting his basement done with his friend “Victor.” About a week before the cruise, we resumed seeing each other and he seemed really excited about going away. We had a very nice time on the cruise, did not talk about work at all (one of his pet peeves with me was that I talked about work), and got along great (I thought). Still, no sex. He did claim that he tried to wake me up one night on the cruise but I was dead asleep.
When we got back from the cruise, everything was fine, we celebrated thanksgiving with my family, and all was well so I thought. We continued to see each other, talk twice a day, etc. On December 30th, I had to undergo some tests for a health issue that I was having. I called him when I left the doctor’s office and I asked him what was wrong. He had been acting a little distance for the past 4-5 days. He finally said on the phone (the day before new year’s eve) that he couldn’t do this anymore. He needed to go find the “one” and I wasn’t it (he is divorced twice but said the first wife had mental health issued and the second wife was mean). He said he didn’t love me, he didn’t like that I talked about work a lot, he didn’t like that I didn’t give good back rubs, and he didn’t feel “safe” with me and that he could tell me anything. He said he didn’t connect with me and didn’t like some parts of my personality. He also said that he didn’t feel comfortable telling me that he had been paying for his ex-girlfriend’s cell phone bill the entire time we were dating. He returned my house key the next day and that was it. He is gone, but left me dazed, confused, and shocked. In the future, how do I protect myself from investing so much time and emotions in someone that walked away from me in a split second.
thanks,

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If a guy doesn’t want to have sex with you for nine entire months — including a seven day cruise he’s taken you on for your birthday — something is very wrong. 😯 In fact after five months, you should have asked for the check. I’m not saying that sex is the sole arbiter of a relationship, but given what you’ve told me it’s definitely very odd that a grown man isn’t interested in sex — especially one that’s been divorced twice.

That’s really the only thing you’ve told me about the relationship that stands out. Of course, your not seeing him for three weekends before the cruise — well, that in itself is very odd (a guy who wants to be with you will find a way to date you!) — but when you describe the reason for his not wanting to see you as “one of his moods” — I’m not sure what that means, but it doesn’t sound normal.

There’s probably more you’re not telling me, but the best thing I can advise is that you read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], because there are some signals that a man gives out when he likes you, from his body language to his behavior, and you should know what they are so you don’t go through this again.

Read the book, and let me know how things go as you start dating again. You can write me with questions along the way (don’t wait nine months next time!), and I’ll try and help you.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Lune David]

Girl… NINE months of dating, daily phone calls, family events, a whole birthday cruise, sleepovers, and still not even a “let’s try just the tip” moment?? At this point, the only thing he was committed to was… celibacy. 😭🔥

You were basically in a relationship with a man whose longest intimate connection was with his basement renovation and his friend Victor. The fact that he could disappear for three weekends and blame it on “a mood” should’ve been your first red flag — not a mood, babe… a whole personality glitch.

And the cherry on top? He dumped you because you talked about work, didn’t give Olympic-level back rubs, and didn’t make him feel “safe.” Sir… YOU were the one hiding an ex-girlfriend’s phone bill like it was classified FBI intel.

Honestly, this man wasn’t looking for “the one.” He was looking for a woman with no libido, no opinions, magic hands, psychic abilities, and zero questions about his life. Basically a decorative houseplant.

You didn’t lose a soulmate, you dodged a man who was emotionally unavailable, sexually MIA, and had more excuses than a kid who didn’t do his homework.

Your future man will match your effort, your affection, AND your back rubs without making you feel like you’re auditioning for The Bachelor: Celibacy Edition

[Member]

Posts