[Anonymous]

i had been dating a girl for 2 and half years and alittle after the two year mark i proposed to her and we became engaged. a month later we had to move apart for job reasons. there was now a two and half hour drive between us, it was difficult but we made it work as best as we could. in december it became more and more difficult as our schedules became hectic. at this point the fighting increased beyond our normal here and there arguments. she was wanting me to plan on moving up there in the summer and i was a bit reluctant strictly because i was worried about finding a job in our current financial mess. it finally came to a point where she said she couldn’t go on dealing with the distance right now and broke it off around the end of january. at this point i made the common mistake of pushing too hard and becoming desperate by texting and calling begging for a chance to make it right. i acted out of pure emotional hurt. as the next few months went on we talked off and on and the conversation of getting back together increased but she was still hesitant intill i committed to the move. i had made the choice finally that whether i had a job or not i was willing to make the move because i trully loved her. at the end of june we both attended a conference for our jobs since we are both teachers and things were going well between her and i, we talked about us and i totally got the vibe she still cared. about a week later she dropped a bomb on me that she had recently went on a couple dates with a guy just to see what it was like. at this point i once again became upset and came off needy and desperate and swarmed her with too much attention. she became even more distant when i did this. she finally told me she was seeing the guy and nobody else a few weeks later. i finally cut off communication with her at this point which would of been around the end of july. i still have not said anything to her but yesterday her and my brother talked and within five minutes into the conversation she was asking how i was doing and interested if i was seeing anybody or being a “whore” and to where i was going to move to for the job. my brother asked her if her and i were done for good and she said “well i have a boyfriend so yes, not anytime soon” my head is spinning from all this and i really do love her and i know that more than ever now because i finally gave myself time to heal and regain a clear head which i had never done since the breakup. i feel like me pushing so hard pushed her towards this guy and i didn’t see that intill i backed off and regained myself and looked at the big picture. her new boy friend is 9 years older than her and is completely different from me. is this a late rebound or did i completely screw this up for good? and is there anything i can do besides keeping my distance from her?

[Anonymous]

i am 27 and she is 25 if age helps

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, relax. Your situation was a very difficult one to surmount, and there was less for you to do than to understand. In other words, don’t beat up on yourself.

Women of your girlfriend’s age are often looking to settle down and have a family. Not always, but it’s entirely possible. (And THANK YOU for telling me your ages — it DOES help enormously.) Having a fiance or even a boyfriend who is unemployed and/or in a long distance situation doesn’t bode well for having a family. Whether or not it’s right or wrong, that dynamic exists in her mind if she is a woman who wants to get married and have children. You were not her Mr. Right because you weren’t ready in spite of your promises to be. She was looking for a man who wanted the same things she does. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you — it just means you are not what she wants right now.

That she chose a man 9 years her senior implies that he is more settled in his career, and more ready for the same things she is. Again, it’s not a rejection of you as much as it is her choosing someone who wants what she wants at the same time and is able to provide that for her.

I don’t think you pushed her away so much as you didn’t offer her what she wanted. Of course she still has feelings for you, but until you become her Mr. Right, she’s going to look elsewhere for that man for herself.

I’m sorry for your disappointment, but I hope you understand this, and can process it so it allows you some peace and the ability to decide what to do next. 🙂

I hope you’ll join me on Facebook (at this link for AskApril.com on Facebook: [url][/url]), and that you’ll let me know how things go.

[Member]

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