[zppypmpy]

April,
I’m 42, my ex-gf is 37. I have 1 son, she has 5 kids(I know, I know, lol…) briefly, we met online, and had coffee. I realized she was fun to hang out with, but I felt it would not be anything long term, 5 kids was too much for me. I figured hang out, have fun, I didn’t need to try and impress her, etc. Just go with it. We became inseparable-it was unbelievable, it just worked so well. Always fun, always good discussion. Chemistry like I’ve never experienced before….out of this world! Then…….Some issues surface.

1. [b] She gets pregnant, despite being on B/C(ring)….. Pregnancy terminated[/b] following OB appt. (last two kids were very high risk, last pregnancy bed rest all of 3rd trimester, NICU, etc.
[b]
2. she discloses her marriage of 10 years was highly abusive(emotionally, and sexually) Tells me she is damaged goods….doesn’t know if she can handle a healthy relationship.[/b]

3. [b] I catch her lying, find out there is history with her best guy friend. [/b] She was intimate with him prior to our getting together. She wanted a relationship with him, he said no, just friends. She agreed, swears that she just wants him as a friend, realizes they weren’t compatible sexually, and could not tolerate him in a relationship. I think she isn’t completely truthful there, as her actions make me think she is trying to see how that may turn out. She has shown that push come to shove he is more of a priority. She’s loyal to me intimately, but I think she may be having an emotional affair with him, may be confused, don’t know if she knows. She’s also close to his family.

Here’s the deal. We are both in weird places, I have been unemployed for a while because of some things out of my control, she has had to work 70 hours a week to survive recently. I stepped in and started helping….I felt bad watching her struggle, and her 12 year old was babysitting the other 4. She could not pay for daycare. I started helping, then the kids wanted me there, kept asking for me, she was grateful, I was thinking I can prove myself to her, she has trust issues from her abusive marriage, I saw an opportunity to help her out, get time to see her, when there normally would be no way d/t time constraints, and gain trust showing her I was the real deal. I was truly there for her, not asking for anything, just to prove to her I was on her team and was the good guy. I was the full time housewife before long. All day 5 days a week. I started neglecting my own responsibilities to help her out. When I should have been getting myself back to work. She took it as an intrusion, looking back, took it for granted, started pulling back, I pursued…having invested so much time and effort, really felt used, and by that point after her being flaky and less than honest about some stuff, started really calling her on her BS, and felt she owed me honesty, some respect, etc. She always avoided confrontation, which really was frustrating, like just dismissing me until I was getting really frustrated and would finally pin her down and force the conversation. She then felt I was trying to be controlling, didn’t like me getting upset and yelling, it was a vicious circle that ended the relationship. My fault ultimately for giving her everything-I seemed clingy needy, etc. So she broke it off. The sad part is that her assumptions are mistaken and what could be a beautiful relationship is being ruined because of miscommunication and some unfortunate circumstance. We have had some big blowouts, she treated me pretty poorly and she admits that, we are seeing each other about once a week. We are intimate when we can be, about once a week, she isn’t dating, she just doesn’t want the relationship now. Our sex life is 100% better than she’s ever thought it could be, we agreed that there would be no straying, I believe that she is honest with me almost always, but wont truly let me know her true feelings about things with the other guy. She really swears up and down that is only friendship, but she seems to show me that he’s of greater importance. She spent Thanksgiving with his family-but she just really stands firm that there isn’t anything more. Maybe she’s confused.

The reasons I think she broke it off for though are ones that she actually sort of caused….I became upset about her lies, and her treating me badly, I finally get mad after being walked all over then ignored, I finally make a stand and hold her accountable, and she thinks I get too upset? I haven’t been working because I was helping her out, so she’s looking at me like, you should have a job….you aren’t responsible. I just wish she could see the real truth of things…I know she would come back. I am on good terms with her, I don’t smother her, I give her space. I’ve told her I would not get back in a serious relationship without her proving to me that she truly loved me and I was the priority. How can I make her want to take another look? Do I stay on good terms? Do I pull away? Cut contact? Sad because I think it was really strange circumstance that pulled us apart, misunderstandings. HELP!! I truly love this woman. I would walk the globe for this woman.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have a son. You’re unemployed. You need to focus on getting a job and taking care of your own life. 😕

This isn’t a mess — unless you continue to not work so you can try and convince yourself you’re helping her. Stop using her and her life to distract yourself from your own. You need to take care of your own life and your child’s life and when you do, you’ll be more attractive as a partner in a relationship — to someone who’s appropriate for you. 😉

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[zppypmpy]

I have, and am. I am a little put off that you say I am using her, and her life……The circumstance is a little unique. And I think you have made some assumptions that are maybe not accurate. I’ve actually been told the job was mine, they have been having issues getting the paperwork through the system, and have had to rework some policy/procedures, etc. and they have been pushing my start date back for a couple months I haven’t been using her for anything. I was asking about the relationship. Apparently you think she isn’t an appropriate partner? I want her to re-evaluate things…because the conclusions she arrived at about some things aren’t correct. How should I approach this?

[zppypmpy]

I think you made some assumptions about my situation that aren’t accurate and decided not to respond to the relationship issue I asked about….I have been told I have the job I applied for, there have been HR ISSUES that keep popping up and I have been pushed back for almost three months a week at a time. I am addressing my situation, and I am a good father and always have been. I’m a little frustrated that you assume I am using her somehow, you seems to chastise me and didn’t address my relationship at all.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for filling me in. 🙂 When you wrote: [quote]“I started neglecting my own responsibilities to help her out. When I should have been getting myself back to work.”[/quote] I drew the conclusion that her life was getting in the way of yours. And when you wrote that you’ve been unemployed “for a while”, I had to guess at how long. But it sounds like a job is right around the corner for you — and that’s great.

As for the relationship, dating as a single parent is different than dating without kids, and you’ve ignored some flashing red lights:

You wrote that [i]five kids are too much for you[/i]. Well, she has five kids! And you have one. [u]That’s six kids.[/u] When you’re a single parent dating, you really have to decide where your boundaries are. I know you decided to “just go with it”, but that’s exactly how you get into trouble as a single parent dating. It’s a lot better to decide what you’re looking for and then focus on that. Sexual chemistry can be powerful, but it isn’t enough to keep a blended family together. And if you don’t want a blended family, then you have do what you decided to do when you decided to date her in spite of her 5 kids — “just go with it” — which isn’t what you’re doing any more. 😳

Next, you said that she said she “doesn’t know if she can handle a healthy relationship.” 😯 She’s pretty much telling you what you’re in for if you stay. And you’re ignoring her and trying to get her to be someone she isn’t. When someone tells you something, and their behavior matches it, believe it! 😉 As a parent, being in an unhealthy relationship probably is an especially bad idea because you’re modeling a bad relationship for your son. My advice is to look for someone who wants a healthy relationship — not someone who tells you she doesn’t think she can handle a healthy relationship. 😕

And then you caught her lying. Enough said. It’s hard enough to date someone without kids, but to date someone with kids, who lies, is asking for trouble.

You also said she’s working 70 hours a week and still struggling, so you stepped in to help. I trust that when your job starts in a few months, you won’t be able to do that. She’s got too much on her own plate with her five kids, her job, and running her home to have dating problems. 😳

You wrote that she broke up with you because of miscommunication and unfortunate circumstances….. I’m not sure what the miscommunications are, and the unfortunate circumstances are clear, but they need to be addressed head on before you can expect to have a healthy relationship with her — or anyone in this situation. 😉 You’ve written that: [quote]she just really stands firm that there isn’t anything more. Maybe she’s confused. [/quote] But it doesn’t appear that she is confused. It sounds like she’s pretty clear. 😕 I know you wrote that you think she caused the reasons for the break up, but that’s what some people do when they want to avoid confrontation. They force a break up through passive aggressive behavior. And whether or not what she did was mature or healthy, clearly, it was a break up, and that’s the bottom line.

I know you want HER to reconsider the relationship, and while it’s impossible to make someone else do or think something they don’t want to do or think, you can change your own behavior. If you’re there once a week for sex and friendship, you’re defaulting to this sort of relationship — which you don’t want. But as long as you keep showing up under these parameters, you’ve basically given her all the cards, and she’s playing the game with her rules because you’re showing up. If you stop being available for once a week sex with nothing more than a FWB situation, because you only want a full, traditional, romantic relationship, then you get to see if she’s interested in seeing you under your terms, or a compromise. I know you’re afraid to risk losing the relationship altogether by letting her know that it’s all or nothing (a real relationship vs. FWB), but if you don’t, it’s just going to continue on the way she wants it, because you’d rather have a little something, even if it’s crazy-making, than having it all. 😳

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[zppypmpy]

I think I pretty much knew all this… I guess I am having a hard time swallowing it….if I thought she were a total flake I’d have no problem, but when you see the good qualities, you wonder why you aren’t able to reach someone. Time to walk I guess, Thanks. It will be interesting to see if there’s any change after I cut it off.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You may have known it, but processing it, and more importantly, understanding what you need to have a healthy relationship, is a little different. When someone has good qualities — or even wonderful qualities, it’s often hard for people to reconcile the fact that there are also enough incompatibilities that they’re not a good match. Not all break ups or rejections are because someone is a bad person — they’re usually because of incompatibility. That’s what you’re dealing with.

My advice is to figure out what you want and need; what you have to offer and where your very real boundaries are, and then stick to those when dating, and don’t just “go with it” because someone seems interesting — when they’re clearly not compatible with your wants and needs in a relationship. 😉

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