[foreverbeautyxo]

Sooo i will make this as simple short and sweet as i possibly can……My boyfriend and i have been dating for just about 5 years now and he is in the army national guard. He is currently on his second deployment and will be coming home very soon. Me and him get along great and im very supportive of him while he is away. On his first deployment me and his mother were really close she would call me all the time to see how i was doing always invited me over to go shopping or dinner or go swimming then my bf came home and everything was okay and then me and my bf separated for a month and then we worked everything out and its been so much better ever since….HOWEVER his mother did a total 180 flip towards me and started to be mean to me and make rude comments when my bf was never around and i would tell him what she told me and it would start an argument between my bf and his mother. so before he was getting ready to leave for his second deployment he had a talk with her and said that me n him were together and she needed to respect that and to be more nice to me b.c i mean a lot to him and he loves me……nothing happened she started to make small talk with me but that was it so one night (know my bf is away on his second deployment) i went over to his house to speak to his mother about why she treats me differently and what happened to our relationship and that i love her son n care for him but its not enough after all that i say she has the excuses me the balls to say that she does not like that i come first in her sons life my bf and that i should of gave her n her son a lone time while he was on leave….i was soo upset and mad and mixed with emotions that i cut off everything with her…..and in the mean time i would call her to see how she was doing if she ever needed anything but never once answered my phone calls. So now i totally feel like i don’t matter and that im not important and that i cant love her son as much as she does i just don’t compare….i understand that’s her son but im his gf and im always there for him no matter what…..so now its getting closer to when my bf is getting home which means im going to be seeing her a lot more and i always feel UN-welcomed and UN-wanted when ever im at his house she hates when im there well at least that’s the vibe she gives me and flips out when i stay the night…i just really don’t now what to do anymore i try and be nice and i get shut down she makes me not want to be with her son because of the way she treats me and no matter what happened between me and her son is only between me and her son not about her i just really don’t what to do everything i have done or tried to do doesn’t work or doesn’t matter…….please please please help me!!!!!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend’s mother loves her child. And even though he is an adult, a soldier in the military and a man who will someday marry and have his own children — he is still and always will be her child. She is probably worried about his being so far away and in harms’ way and when you and he split up for a month, she was upset that he was hurt because of the relationship with you. She may also have projected some of her fear about his career and deployment on you, too — but bottom line, she didn’t see you as someone who would stick by him no matter what. And she was right. You have to wrap your head around the fact that she feels that she will always be there for him no matter what, and she isn’t sure you will be. AND…. you have to respect that. [i]Your job is to earn her trust and respect, that you once had before your separation from her son, again. [/i] You may not agree with that. You may think it’s unfair. But it’s the best way to keep the peace.

Learn to not sweat the small stuff. From what you described, she isn’t acting unreasonable — her behavior is a direct reaction to her fear of her son being hurt. Your boyfriend’s well being while he’s deployed trumps your problems with his mother. He is in a potentially dangerous situation and he can’t be distracted with what is petty stuff, comparatively. And now that he’s coming home, my advice is that you take the high road and only speak well of his mother; find understanding for her fear that you will hurt him; and commit to proving yourself to her — and to him.

He has one mother, and her behavior is understandable — even if it’s unpleasant. The fact that it wasn’t always this way is what makes me believe she can be flexible. So, keep trying, keep your head up, and adopt your boyfriend’s attitude about his job in the national guard: loyalty, hard work, and good manners via protocol and plain old heart. 😀

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[foreverbeautyxo]

okay i agree that i need to respect her and that is her son and that she will always be there for her son no matter what. i understand that, but she does not treat me the way she should regardless of what happened between me and her son and what he did to me was only between me and her son. my bf was not the only one who had a talk with her that she should be more nice to me his two other sisters and his aunt had all mentioned something to her on how she should be more nice to me and like you said reasonable. i just honestly get the vibe that she does not like me being with her son and i am sticking around and will always be there for her son. she does things and says things to me that are really rude and childish when her son is not around. such as its okay for his sister to have her bf stay at the house for the weekend but its not okay for me. i feel like i tried being the adult in the situation to confront her and talk to her about it but it only makes things worse. she has shot me down and never answers my phone calls and never returns my phone calls im always as nice as i can possibly be towards her when i see her but it’s never good enough. i love her son more then anything but the way she makes me feel and treats me and if it keeps going i feel like i would have no choice but to leave my bf because of his mother. i dont now what else it takes everyone has talked to her about her being nice to me ive tried to call her and sat down to talk to her to let her now i was not going anywhere and that i truly love her son but it just not good enough…..i’m at my witts end…….HELP!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re being unreasonable, stubborn and unwilling to make any adjustments. 😳 You’re ego is getting in the way of having a healthy relationship. Clearly, you can’t change her mind — so instead of trying to make peace with what you’ve got, you’re waging war on his mom, and taking him down in the process. If you’re going to break up with your boyfriend because of this, as you’ve written, because of this, then his mother was right in not liking you for him. 😉 Her point is that you will hurt him again — and you’re basically showing me that she’s right: you’re willing to put your feelings and your ego ahead of everything.

You can’t always get what you want and you can’t always be right. Peace in the family, especially given his deployment, is more important than you being treated a certain way by his mother — who did treat you nicely, until you and your boyfriend separated.

Relationships have many more rocky roads than the one you’re describing. Being humble and not sweating this small stuff or making this molehill into a mountain are important skills for relationships. My advice is that you apologize and try to make things pleasant. 😀

[foreverbeautyxo]

right i understand and agree, but it bothers me so much that for one i have his sisters and family members say to me that she does not treat me right. all her other daughters bfs hurt her daughters and she is still a lot more respectful and nicer to them then she is to me. i think a part of me also wants to have that connection with her like i did before, but i dont think its fair that she tells me that i should not be at the house or why am i going with my bf, i cant help what my bf chooses and does not choose to do, i feel so confuessed and mixed up then i did before and i am probably letting my ego get to me but i give her respect im always nice to her when i see her i do everything for her son i just think its not nor ever will be enough b.c no one can love her son as much as she does or no one could care for her son as she does ugh im so just feeling blah! =(

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is an opportunity for you to learn grace and maturity. I really feel you trying to reach for it — but you’re stuck in your ego, like a little girl who is going to throw a tantrum when she doesn’t get what she wants and has to tell everyone how she’s right and someone else is wrong to sway everyone else against your enemy: second best option to an ego-driven person. 😳

You feel like you’re right and you deserve respect from his mother. Okay. Maybe you are. But you’re not going to get what you want by demanding it or proving her wrong. This is important for you to understand. And here’s the kicker: You may NEVER get what you want. (Welcome to life! 😉 ).

So the best way to proceed is to stop telling everyone you’re right. Start putting humility first. Put understanding and empathy first. And put yourself second, third or even last in line here. Stop kicking and screaming because you’re at the end of the line and try to understand how you got here. You need to stop your mantra from being: Me, me, me, me.

This is an opportunity to develop grace in your life. Find out how you can best behave civilly and generously for the simple fact that this woman is a human being, and because she is the mother of your boyfriend. That’s it. End of story. Whether you stay together or break up, taking the high road in life, and not having to prove yourself right to some jury of your peers or family is the definition of good character, grace and maturity.

See if you can wrap your head around that. 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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