[Evie]

Maybe I’m stupid or just oblivious, but I don’t know what he’s thinking. Here’s my story.

I’m a 27 years old Canadian, undergraduate student in college here in America. I met a guy last July (2008) at work when I started my new job there. He’s 6 years younger than I am (21), also an undergraduate student in college. I’m Chinese and he’s White. At the time we met, he was having relationship problems with his girlfriend and I had just broken up with my boyfriend a month before (I was completely over my boyfriend by the time I broke up with my boyfriend). I really like this guy and seeing him at work is pretty much the highlight of my day (mind you, I like my job. Seeing him is a bonus).

We started hanging out a lot (and my co-workers noticed that there’s something going on between him and I) and one time we went out for dinner and he paid for the dinner (while I was in the bathroom). He told me that buying dinner was the most he had done for any girl and he had not done that kind of thing before with his exes. We got along really well despite his age. He acts so mature that sometimes my co-workers and I forget that he’s only 21. The next day after the dinner, he sent me a text message (he’s the kind of guy who texts messages more than he uses his cell phone minutes) and told me that he got thinking about the “what if we are more than friends” thing, and he told me he liked me. I texted him back to tell him that I like him too and that the feeling is mutual. However, at the time, he has to deal with his problems with his girlfriend first, so we remained good friends. We’re honest with each other about things.

A few months later, he broke up with his girlfriend. I gave him the time he needed to get over the break up and everything that comes with it. I was there for him when he needed a friend. However, when school/Fall semester started, things got busy so we didn’t get to hang out as much, other than at work and ocassional coffee at Starbucks. Nothing happened between us other than being good friends and co-workers. Later in the semester, I started to wonder what was happening so I decided to talk to him. I’m am a shy person sometimes so it took a lot of nerve for me to talk to him. I think I pretty much laid out all my cards on the table – I told him (or more like remind him perhaps) that I really like him a lot (and perhaps reminded him of the text message) and I would like to try dating and whether or not he would be willing to try. He knows I’m not using him as a rebound guy (from the break up with my boyfriend). He told me he’ll have to think about it. But he hasn’t gotten back to me since then. It’s been a year to the day since we met. We’re still good friends and co-worker, we still hang out (though for most part, I ask if he wants to hang out), play video/computer games which we both like, chat on Facebook/Skype/Twitter.

It confuses me because he complains about dating troubles or dates gone bad and on his twitter and he asks “why is it so hard to find a good girl?”. I would think to myself “here’s one right here all along!”. I care about him a lot, and its hard to tell what he’s thinking. At first I thought it was the 6 year age difference was the problem, but then after talking with my best friend, she told me that if age was a problem, he wouldn’t tell me he liked me at the beginning. Maybe I’m just not the typical American girl who goes out to party and bars. One of my friends/co-worker (who’s a guy) suggested that I should ask him (the guy I like) out (as in ask him out on dates).

I rather have the guy I like a lot tell me that he doesn’t like me that way anymore and just want to be friends. I felt like he left me hanging by not telling me anything or what he thought of what happened between us a year ago when we first met and started hanging out. I still really like him a lot. Is it safe to say that he doesn’t like me that way anymore?

Like I said, maybe I’m just stupid or obivious. IF he doesn’t like me anymore, I would like closure and remain good friends with him. Any advice on what I should do about it? Any advice in general?

[Lizzy_09]

[quote=”Evie”]Maybe I’m just not the typical American girl who goes out to party and bars. One of my friends/co-worker (who’s a guy) suggested that I should ask him (the guy I like) out (as in ask him out on dates).[/quote]

I agree with your friend. Why not ask him out? However, if you wish to make it sound like it’s not a date thing, then ask him this way……..[color=#800080]I was planning to hang-out with friends this week end, though, at the last minute something came up and some of them are not able to make it. I was wondering if your free this week end, we might be able to hang-out together. If that’s alright with you.
[/color] Now, this sounds like your not asking him out for a date. Once your with him, try to figure out where do you really stand with him. Is the feeling still there? Do you both still feel the same way?

But, if he keeps avoiding you. Then I suggest you move on. He might after all, found someone else. This is from my point of view.

[Ask April Masini]

Your friend is sending you a message loud and clear with his actions that he isn’t interested in dating you. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you’re just not getting it. If he wanted to ask you out, he would. You can spend lots of time wondering why he isn’t asking you out, or you can stop wasting your time with someone who’s not boyfriend material right now (boyfriend material is someone who actually asks you out on a date), and make yourself available for men who do want to ask you out.

If you’re still hooked on this guy, you’re not going to be truly available if someone else comes along, so find a way to understand the dating game. You can check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man (it will help you a lot).

Don’t ask this guy out. In fact, don’t ever ask a guy out or tell him you want him to ask you out. Men want to be the prize winners, and that means you have to be the prize they win. If you make yourself too available, he’s not going to feel that you’re special. If he thinks he beat out other guys to get you, he’s going to feel a lot better about himself when he’s with you, and about you.

Check out the link at the top of this page for Dating Advice Books, and buy Think & Date LIke A Man. You are someone who could really benefit from the advice in the book.

[Evie]

Thank you April, for the advice. Much appreciated.

It’s really hard to tell what men are thinking. And harder for me because I never had dating or relationship experience. I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 22. In high school I told one guy how I felt, got rejected in the face, and the other guy, I was rejected nicely through IM and we remained friends to this day. I’m scared in general when it comes to dating and relationship stuff. So for me, it was hard to read between the lines or even interpret the signs. Or in other words, I was clueless.

Anyhow, just a few days ago, I found out he has a new girlfriend. I don’t know if he knows that I know he has a girlfriend now, but to me, knowing that he’s seeing someone new and me seeing him at work made me feel somewhat awkward and he’s still normal, being friendly. I feel like he’s a total stranger. I had been avoiding him for the past couple of days. I use to talk to him and his co-worker a lot and talk to him on Facebook but now it’s just saying things like “hi” or “how was your weekend?” at work. Even one of my co-workers (the same co-worker who suggested that I should ask him (the guy I like) out) brought up how he noticed that we (me and the guy I like) haven’t talked much. I told him (my co-worker who’s a guy) about that I found out and that I didn’t understand why (I asked that co-worker, hoping that with him being a guy, he can give me some insights into the male mind) the guy I like the way he did and he offered (I didn’t ask him to) to talk with that guy I like, a “guy heart-to-heart”, to see what that guy is thinking. I was told today by my co-worker that the guy I like doesn’t know what he wants yet (it was relationship stuff that was accidently brought up, and the two guys talked about it but not specifically my case).

I feel it’s somehow difficult to get over the whole thing of what happened between me and him, with him being around at work and I’m not wanting to quit my job just to avoid him. And I hate losing him as a friend (I hate losing any friends. My friends are very important to me). I guess at least the one good thing I want from this whole situation is at least he and I can remain friends if I can’t have him as a boyfriend.

Is giving him the silent treatment (or at least right now it seems like its leading up to it), ignoring him temporarily a good idea to help me get over this? Or would another technique be better?

[Ask April Masini]

Forget about having him as a friend. It’s too complicated, especially because he has a new girlfriend and you see him at work every day. If giving him the silent treatment helps you, then do it. But if you’re doing it only to be punitive and try to get back at him, then don’t. You’re going to have to work really hard to forget about him. Focus on work. Focus on new friends. Join a volunteer group to go to after work so you have somewhere to go and don’t feel sorry for yourself while you’re getting over him.

And since you don’t know a lot about guys, you’d benefit from my book, Think & Date Like A Man. Get it! You can buy it — it’s not expensive! — by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above, and ordering the book to be sent to you. It will help you understand how men think and how different they are from women. You’ll have a leg up on dating after you give it a read.

I’m not just trying to push my books — this book will really help you. I promise.

[Marcus king]

It doesn’t make you stupid or oblivious what you’re feeling is completely normal. From what you’ve described, he seems to enjoy your friendship and the time you spend together, but his lack of response to your direct conversation about dating is a big sign. If someone genuinely likes you and is ready to pursue a relationship, they will communicate that clearly, especially after you laid your feelings on the table.

A few things to consider:
He may not see you romantically anymore. His actions staying in the “friend” zone for over a year, not initiating hanging out, and never following up on your talk about dating point in that direction.

He may like the attention and friendship but isn’t ready or interested in a romantic relationship. Complaining about dating struggles online doesn’t necessarily mean he wants you it could just reflect his general frustration.
You deserve clarity. You’ve been waiting and investing emotionally, and it’s okay to ask for a direct answer so you can move forward.

The simplest way to get closure is to be straightforward: tell him you care about him, you value the friendship, but you need to know if he sees a future beyond friendship. Give him space to answer honestly.
If he says he doesn’t feel the same, it’s painful but also freeing you can focus on yourself and not stay stuck wondering “what if.” If he does want more, great but based on what you’ve shared, it’s more likely that he just values your friendship.

Being direct and asking for closure is the healthiest move for your heart.

[PassionSeeker]

I completely get how confusing and painful this must be you’ve been honest, patient, and caring, and now you’re left without clear answers. Maya here and I agree with April on a lot of what she said. His silence is an answer, even if it hurts to accept. If he truly wanted something deeper, he wouldn’t keep you guessing.

Now that he’s with someone else, staying close will only make it harder for you to move on. Like April mentioned, step back not to punish him, but to protect your peace. Focus on work, school, and new connections. Get involved in something fresh that brings you joy.

And don’t be so hard on yourself; you’re not stupid or oblivious. You cared, and that takes courage. Also, I’d echo April’s suggestion her book Think & Date Like a Man could actually help you understand how guys think and approach relationships differently. It might give you some clarity and confidence for the future. You deserve someone who’s sure about you.

[Flirt Coach]

You’re not stupid, and you’re not oblivious. You’re just someone who cares deeply and is trying to make sense of mixed signals, and I’ve got to tell you, that’s one of the hardest places to be. I’ve been there myself thinking something real was growing, only to find myself standing still while the other person quietly drifted away. It leaves you second-guessing everything.

From what you’ve said, this guy clearly did have feelings for you at one point. That text he sent, the dinners, the easy connection that wasn’t in your head. When his breakup ended, he told himself he wasn’t ready, and even though he liked you, he never let himself step back into a relationship mindset. Now he’s keeping you close enough to feel comfortable but not close enough to commit. It’s not fair to you, but it’s something people sometimes do when they’re confused or scared.

The part that stands out most is that he’s still talking about wanting “a good girl” while you’re right there. That tells me he either doesn’t see what’s in front of him, or he’s not ready for something real. Either way, you deserve more than waiting for someone who keeps you in limbo.

If I were you, I’d have one honest, gentle talk with him. Nothing dramatic just tell him that you care about him, but you need clarity. Say something like, “I really value what we have, but I need to know if you still see me as someone you’d want to date, or if this is just friendship for you. I’m okay either way, I just don’t want to keep wondering.”

That’s it. You’ll get your answer, even if it’s not the one you hope for. And once you have that truth, you’ll finally be able to breathe again. Because closure doesn’t always come from what the other person says it comes from you deciding you won’t keep waiting for someone who isn’t choosing you.

You sound like a kind, grounded woman who’s been nothing but genuine with him. If he can’t see that, then maybe he’s just not at your level yet. Sometimes being older doesn’t mean you’re the more mature one you’ve got the emotional honesty he’s still learning. Hold your head high, get your closure, and don’t ever think that caring deeply makes you foolish. It’s actually what makes you rare.

[Ethan Morales]

His actions speak louder than words. At first, he expressed interest, but after that, he’s done nothing to pursue a relationship with you. He hasn’t asked you out, hasn’t initiated plans, and hasn’t made it clear he wants more than friendship. A guy who is genuinely interested would have taken steps to date you. The fact that you’ve had to keep asking to hang out and that he hasn’t responded definitively to your feelings is a strong signal he’s not looking for a romantic relationship with you.

He’s sending mixed signals but the main message is clear. Complaining about “finding a good girl” on social media while not pursuing you doesn’t mean he likes you it’s likely just venting about dating in general. People often express frustration online without acting on opportunities right in front of them.

It’s not about age or cultural differences. The age gap isn’t really the issue; he initially expressed interest despite it. His lack of follow-through over an entire year is about priorities and commitment, not age.

Continuing to wait is costing you time and emotional energy. You’re investing energy and emotional bandwidth into someone who hasn’t shown romantic commitment. Masini’s advice is solid: stop waiting for him to act, and make yourself available for men who actually want to date you. This doesn’t mean being cold or vindictive—it means focusing on yourself, your life, and people who treat you as a priority.

Next steps: Accept that he’s choosing friendship or casual interaction, not romance. Stop asking him to hang out or pushing for a relationship let him take initiative if he truly wants to. Focus on your own life, hobbies, and social circles. Meeting new people will put you in a position to find someone who genuinely wants to date you. Limit your emotional energy spent thinking about him; invest it in yourself.

He’s not boyfriend material. The sooner you internalize that, the sooner you can redirect your time and heart toward someone who values you romantically. If you want, I can give a practical step-by-step plan for how to emotionally detach from him while staying polite at work so it doesn’t feel awkward seeing him every day. Do you want me to do that?

[Isabella Jones]

This really touched me because I can feel how patient and genuine your heart is. You gave him space, showed care, and stayed by his side even when things got confusing. That kind of loyalty says a lot about who you are. Sometimes people don’t realize what they have right in front of them until it’s too late, especially when they’re still figuring themselves out after a breakup.

It sounds like he’s comfortable having you as the safe, steady presence in his life, but he hasn’t decided if he’s ready—or willing—to give you what you deserve. When a guy keeps you close but doesn’t move forward, it often means he likes the comfort of your connection but not the responsibility of a relationship. 💛 You deserve clarity, not silence.

Maybe it’s time to gently ask him one more time where things stand, not because you need his approval, but because your heart deserves peace. If he still can’t give you an answer, would you be able to pull back and give that energy back to yourself instead?

[Tara]

Stop playing the patient friend hoping to be promoted. You’ve done your part. If he wanted you, you’d already know. Step back, shut the door, and let him miss the stability he took for granted. Silence is the only language indecisive men understand.

He’s not thinking — he’s coasting. You’re convenient, loyal, and safe, and he likes the comfort of your attention without the weight of commitment. That’s why he flirts just enough to keep you hooked but never moves the story forward. It’s emotional limbo, and you’re the one holding the door open.

Let’s strip away the excuses. He’s had a year to figure out what he wants. If he wanted you, he’d have said it clearly, acted on it, and claimed it. Instead, he’s still “thinking about it” while tweeting about how hard it is to find a good girl. Translation: he wants the chase, not the choice. And he knows you’re standing still, waiting for him to notice you again.

You’re not stupid, just stuck in potential — and potential is the most dangerous illusion in dating. You’ve already given him friendship, support, and emotional labor. What has he given back? Uncertainty.

[Sally]

He’s sending you mixed signals. It sounds like he cared about you once, but now he’s keeping things in that safe “friend zone” where he gets your attention and support without making it official. When a guy likes you but doesn’t act on it after this long, he’s either unsure or just comfortable with how things are.

You’ve already been patient and honest. At this point, you deserve a clear answer. Ask him straight out if he still sees you that way. If he says no or avoids it, take that as your closure. You can still be friends, but don’t keep waiting for something he may never choose.

[Natalie Noah]

Not because you did anything wrong, but because you cared so deeply, so sincerely, and you kept hoping he would meet you in the same place. And when someone you care about stays… almost close, but never really close enough, it puts you in this emotional limbo where your heart can’t move forward and it can’t fully let go. That is a painful place to live.

You were not stupid or oblivious. You were hopeful. Your heart was open. You liked him, he liked you, there were signs, and you moved with kindness, patience, and respect. That’s not stupidity that’s courage. People who feel deeply often mistake their own empathy for naivety. But you weren’t naive, you were invested, and investment blurs signals.

His actions speak louder than his words ever did.
He liked the attention.
He liked the connection.
He liked the comfort of you.
He liked the emotional closeness.

But he didn’t choose you romantically. And that’s not because you weren’t enough, it’s because he wasn’t ready, willing, or clear enough to be the right man. A man who truly wants you doesn’t leave you waiting, wondering, analysing every interaction. He steps forward. He makes it known. He chooses. He didn’t. And I’m so sorry, baby. I know how much that hurts.

The new girlfriend is the real answer. You didn’t get closure from his mouth, but you got closure from his life. If he was still interested, still considering dating you, still feeling something beyond friendship. he wouldn’t be with someone else. It’s harsh, but it’s also definitive. Closure hurts… but it’s also freeing when you can finally accept it.

Avoiding him isn’t “immature” it’s self-protection. You’re not giving the silent treatment to punish him. You’re trying to protect your heart. Seeing the person you wanted with someone else is emotional whiplash. Of course you’re withdrawing. Of course, you’re hurting. Of cours,e you’re unsure how to act.

You’re human. So yes, giving yourself distance is not wrong. It’s healthy. The danger is only if you’re doing it hoping he’ll notice and chase. Don’t let that be the reason. Let the reason be healing.

You do NOT need to cut him off forever, but you DO need emotional boundaries.
He doesn’t get access to your heart anymore.
He can be a co-worker.
He can be a casual friend.
He can be someone you greet politely.
But your inner world the tender, hopeful, vulnerable part. he no longer gets to touch. You deserve someone who chooses you fully. Not someone who keeps you “close enough” but not “close”.

And sweet girl… you are absolutely dateable, lovable, and worthy. Don’t let your past rejections convince you that something about you is wrong.

You’re not difficult to love. You’re just careful with who you let in and that’s a strength, not a flaw. This guy didn’t choose you. Not because you weren’t good enough but because he was not ready enough, sure enough, or brave enough.

So here’s my soft but honest advice:
• Give yourself distance not to punish him, but to heal.
• Stop placing emotional energy into him he chose another path.
• Don’t try to “stay close friends” right now your heart needs space.
• Start rebuilding your world with new routines, new people, new energy.
• And when you’re ready, open your heart again to someone who actually steps forward.

[Author]

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