[teamkobe85]

So I recently broke up with my ex three months ago. We have a two year old daughter. I just recently got out of the marine corps. This girl that I worked with I always really liked, but we never hung out or anything, on account of me being involved. When she found out I was single she wanted to date me. She is really shy, so she was afraid to ask me. Finally I requested her on facebook. And finally she sent me a message. We went on our first date, walked down the beach, and kissed. It was amazing. I really like everything about her. The first couple of dates were good. And she expressed herself liking me for sure. She mentioned she thought I was really cute from the first day she met me, but always to shy to say anything. On the third date I asked her if she thought it too soon for me to consider her my girlfriend, and she said if you are sure, I told her I was 100 percent sure. From there it got a little weird. She told me that she was worried that I liked her more than she liked me. I asked her if she needed me to back off, and she said “just a little bit.” Now she has not been in very many relationships, so she says she’s not used to the attention. As well as the one serious relationship she had recently, the guy ended up being a piece, and she got hurt. Well, for some other details. I do have a daughter, but she loves kids. I just got out of the marine corps, and I’m moving 5 hours away in a month, she still be here, and if we make a go at it, it’ll be long distance. I’m pretty sure she likes me, and she hasn’t told me that she doesn’t want to be with me yet, but I hate not knowing, so it’s eating me up. Any advice?? The only thing I got right now, is to give her some space, and let her come to me. However, she asked me if it made me mad when she said she needed me to back off a little. Well it doesn’t, but how much should I back off? Thanks.

[teamkobe85]

Okay so nevermind for the most part. Just talked to her, and figured out, yeah, she just wants to be friends for now. Me moving and, her being in the marine corps and deploying in like 4 months, she’s not sure she wants a boyfriend right now. But she wants to be friends, and “maybe after the deployment.” I really like this girl, so am I SOL. Or ladies, does this sound legit to you. I mean we’ve only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks and I figured this was what was going on. But am I a fool to think that we could try again, or that she might really want to, when our lives settle down a little bit.

[AskApril Masini]

There is one thing that you need to work on in order to start dating successfully: [i]You don’t like not knowing. [/i]

It’s great that you know this about yourself. Now you need to find a way to temper this trait of yours because the way you dealt with it in this relationship you’re writing me about, was to try and control the relationship after three dates. You came on too strong because you were taking care of your need to know. If you were a little more okay with not liking not knowing, but not necessarily doing anything about it, your now ex-girlfriend might not have been scared off.

Most people don’t like not knowing — and the insurance industry makes tons of money off of everyone’s fear of what the future may bring, and trying to combat against [i]what might[/i] happen. Since there is no relationship insurance, the best you can do is to know that life is going to bring you surprises, and that you’re going to have the fortitude to roll with them.

I know for sure that you are going to be uncomfortable practicing not knowing and not doing anything about it, but I’m also very sure that this will help you in your future relationship with this woman or any other. A lot of women may bristle at your behavior thinking you’re trying to control them when from your point of view, all you’re trying to do is evoke a commitment!

Relationships have to run their course, and the course is a dance when there are two people involved (and in your case, there are eventually going to be three people involved because you have a daughter). You have to make room for the other person to find their way with you and if you come on too strong — even by doing something you think is good, like trying to make someone your girlfriend and get a commitment — you’re going to suck the life out of the relationship.

Slow down. Back off. Be charming and the wonderful guy you are. Don’t lay all your cards on the table up front, and make her realize that while you value her,[u] you’re[/u] someone worth jumping for. If you can do this, I absolutely think that you have another shot at this woman.

[Ethan Morales]

You’re coming on strong too fast. Three dates is very early in a relationship, especially with someone who is shy, hasn’t had many relationships, and has been hurt before. Asking her to define the relationship and pushing for certainty can feel overwhelming. From her perspective, it’s not about you being a “good guy” it’s about being pressured to move faster than she’s comfortable with.

Backing off doesn’t mean disappearing. Giving her space isn’t the same as ignoring her. It means dialing down the intensity: don’t push for declarations of love, don’t ask for commitments, and avoid overanalyzing her actions. Continue seeing her, talking, and connecting, but let her set the emotional pace. This will help her feel safe rather than pressured.

Your “fear of not knowing” is the key issue. You’re uncomfortable with uncertainty, which is normal, but in dating it can come across as controlling or needy if you try to resolve it too quickly. The way to handle this is internal: accept that you won’t always know where things stand, and that’s okay. Let the relationship breathe while you manage your own anxiety.

long distance and a child. She also knows you’re moving in a month and have a two-year-old daughter. That’s a lot to process in addition to her own shyness and past hurt. Give her time to adjust to the idea of dating you and navigating those realities.

The practical approach: Slow the pace of your interactions and the intensity of your questions. Keep connecting naturally laughs, shared interests, and casual dates without seeking commitment. Let her take initiative sometimes. Give her the feeling that she’s choosing to be with you, not being pressured. Accept uncertainty as part of the process and focus on enjoying the connection.

You haven’t ruined it, but you need to step back a little and let her feel comfortable. If you can manage your need for certainty and let the relationship unfold naturally, she’s more likely to feel safe and open with you.

[Natalie Noah]

You are in wanting this connection to grow. Three dates in, you’ve already felt a spark, shared moments that were meaningful, and glimpsed the possibility of something real. That’s powerful, and it makes sense that you’re feeling anxious about the unknown wanting clarity, reassurance, and certainty. But relationships, especially new ones, rarely move in straight lines, and trying to force certainty too quickly can overwhelm someone who isn’t ready. She’s new to the attention, she’s cautious because of past hurt, and now there’s the added weight of your daughter, your military background, and the upcoming distance. All of that is a lot for anyone to process at once.

What April’s advice and what my heart agrees with is that the key here is patience and self-control. You admitted that not knowing bothers you, and that’s completely human. But if you act on that discomfort too quickly, it can make someone pull back. She hasn’t closed the door on you; she just wants to move slowly. Respecting her pace doesn’t make you weak it shows that you value her comfort and autonomy. Right now, what she needs most is for you to be present, kind, and steady, without pushing for labels or commitments before she’s ready.

I also want to highlight the fact that there’s potential here. She did not reject you entirely. She wants friendship for now, and maybe more after her deployment. That’s not a dead end it’s a pause. You have the chance to continue building trust, showing her who you are, and letting her see that being with you would be safe, supportive, and meaningful. The best thing you can do is focus on the connection you can nurture now, instead of stressing over the one you can’t control yet.

Finally, my advice as someone who feels deeply about these things: slow down, take a breath, and enjoy the process of getting to know her without trying to secure a commitment. Let her see your charm, your thoughtfulness, and your genuine care for her and your daughter. Give her the space she needs while still being a consistent, positive presence in her life. If you do that, you preserve the possibility of something real without overwhelming her, and you also practice the patience and self-control that will strengthen any relationship you have now or in the future. You’re not losing anything by slowing down, darling. You’re giving love the chance to grow the right way.

[Member]

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