[Anonymous]

Its a long story, but here goes. My husband & I have been married for almost 21 years. It was the first marriage for both of us. I was 18 & he was 25. It was good to start with. We now have 4 kids, ages 20, 18, 16 & 11. He has been a great provider. He is a hard worker & his first priority is paying the bills, which I understand. However, he goes to work & when he comes home his day is done. He takes his shower, eats & goes to the bedroom to watch tv or work in puzzle books. He is a home body. I took the kids to school, went to work, picked kids up from school, helped with homework, cooked, cleaned & at sometimes went back to work. I know I didn’t keep the house spotless, with 4 kids I was trying to do the best I could. I worked at a hotel as assistant manager & now am manager. I even went to school fulltime while this was going on. When payday came around, he would give me the money for whatever bill he wanted to pay that week to put in the bank & my whole paycheck went in the bank. I felt that I was raising the kids on my own. I was the one paying for anything they needed for school, buying whatever they needed, paying for doctors & medicine. If I asked him for any money, he would say he had a bill to pay. Now, I paid part of the bills as well. He only paid the house payment, his truck payment, his cell phone bill, his life insurance & “his part” of the auto insurance. I paid the house phone bill, internet, cable bill, house insurance, “my part” of the auto insurance, my cell phone bill, cell phone bill for the older kids for emergency use, most of the groceries. He bought milk, water, chips, chicken, canned foods & his break stuff for his work. Anything for sandwiches, quick for the kids for when they got home for school, any other kids of meat, or anything me or the kids wanted specific I was buying. I felt as if I was a single mom raising 4 kids. He didn’t do anything with the kids or together as a family. He would go to his parent’s house & brother’s house when he wanted, he worked for his brother in construction. The kids & I would go do things together, play games, go eat & things as a family. He however, wouldn’t go. He wouldn’t even go out with me so I didn’t get to go anywhere other than with my kids or to my mom’s. He always said it costed too much. I was always with my kids. At night, he would be ready for sex & I was always tired & had so many things going thru my head that I was not interested. I would go along with it sometimes just to keep him from arguing. It got to the point where he was calling me names, telling me that without him I would be nothing. I was not normal, that I was an alien, even went as far as to say that I was the devil’s wife. All because I didn’t have sex with him whenever he wanted it. I admit that I could have probably made more time for him but after hearing all this & being told how sorry I was & how worthless I was, I guess I sort of lost most of the love that I had for him. I tried to talk to him about this & tell him how I felt & was told that I brought it onto myself. If I had done what I was suppose to then things wouldn’t be that way. His mom was the type of person that did what his dad said. She didn’t go anywhere, other than church, without him telling her. He was also beat at times by his dad while he was in his late teens for being a “rowdy child” & drinking & staying out late. At times I would finally get my shower & into bed around midnight & just fall asleep time my head would hit the pillow. I would often get woken up around 3am by being pushed, shooken, or covers being pulled off me & even having hair lightly pulled (just enough to be woke up). All this because I didn’t jump his bones when I got in bed. He would tell me to go sleep in the living room because he couldn’t sleep while I was in the bedroom. The kids were seeing what was going on & hearing the fussing. I got tired of everything. I tried to get him to go to couseling with me & he said that I needed it not him, that he didn’t do anything wrong. He said that all women were just out to screw men over in marriage. I felt like he wanted a maid, nanny for the kids & a woman for sex & that was all. I tried to talk to him to work things out but he says the only way things are going to work out is if I change & have sex with him like I should. That he has done nothing wrong & its all my fault. We are separated right now & he has only given me $500.00 for the kids over the past year & a half. I am still taking care of the kids & basically doing the same thing I was doing when I was with him except now I am not “with him” & not fussing as much with him. However, when he sees the kids he still says things to get stuff started. My kids see whats going on & tell me that he is never gonna change. What should I do? Should I try to talk to him again & let him know that if he doesn’t try to change & show me that he is that I am gonna file for divorce? I care about him, I just don’t feel that I am in love with him anymore. I have never had much self confindence about myself but after hearing him for the past 10 years, I sometimes have even less but I want to have someone to love me for me & treat me the way I should be treated. Please give me any advice on this situation. I am lonely, tired & confused.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have to decide if you want to stay in the marriage or not.

If you do decide to stay in the marriage, I suggest you have sex with your husband (which seems to be the problem here), and not take on so much in your own life. You’re doing too much — raising four children, working a job and going to school. Your priorities put your husband last. This was a mistake. 😳 Then, you probably should quit your job so you’re not so tired. Downsizing isn’t cancer and if it makes your family happier then it’s a good thing. People sometimes think they need things and to keep up with the Joneses, but they forget what’s really important in their lives. So if you start having sex with your husband and quit your job, and downsize, you and your husband can work out a new budget and new way of his paying for things that you paid for before.

If you decide not to stay in the marriage, then you should file for divorce, a custody agreement and a child support order for the children who are minors. The 18 year old and 20 year old can get summer jobs to contribute to their own education and expenses.

But if you do start dating again, you need to learn from this marriage what parts of it’s failure you were responsible for and figure out how to do things differently next time around. 😉

Bottom line: You don’t have to be a victim. But you do have to make some decisions and change the vector you’re on because it’s not a good road for you or the kids.

I hope this helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice. However, i would have sex with him but was criticized about how i did this or did that. I was a virgin when I got with him. When I said that i took care of everything for school for the kids & everything they needed, this was happening while they were little, not just the age now. I took my full time position as manager & moved out. The kids came with me. He is still staying at the house. all he wants is someone to cook, clean & have sex with. I got pushed out of bed, covers thrown off of me & told that he hated me & wish I was dead when i didn’t have sex with him. when we had sex it was like a chore or a routine because i didn’t feel that he loved me. I have tried to talk to him and told him that it was my fault as much as it was his but he says its all my fault. He says he is perfect & has done nothing wrong. he says that as long as i have sex with him he doesn’t see a problem but if i don’t have sex with him then that’s a problem.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Here’s what I wrote last time, and it’s still good advice. 😉

[quote]Bottom line: You don’t have to be a victim. But you do have to make some decisions and change the vector you’re on because it’s not a good road for you or the kids. [/quote]

[i]Decide if you want a divorce or not.[/i] If you do, then you need to go to court and file for one, as well as for custody and child support. If you own the house together, then you should probably see an attorney to find out how to settle who gets the house, cars, furniture, etc.

If you want to be with him, then you have to work things out — but it doesn’t sound like you do. However, until you decide if you’re going to stay in the marriage or get out, you’re going to be unhappy. 😳

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