[ConfusedFriend]

To make a long story short, I’m in love with my best friend. I was in a crappy relationship for 7 years (my ex cheated and constantly treated me horribly) and all the while my friend would be there through every fight and it began to get so bad at the end emotionally my best friend was always there for me and my boyfriend wasn’t. My best friend was my shoulder to cry on, financial stability, everything I needed. Suddenly I realized that I needed to end things with my boyfriend. I couldn’t let my current boyfriend walk all over me and feel this way about another guy it wasn’t fair, to myself or anyone else. So as that relationship ended me and my best friend started hanging out more than usual, there was heavy kissing and petting, which eventually lead to us having sex. (2-3 month period) We had sex a total of 2 times. And then everything went south, I’m not sure if it was the lack of me not saying anything about my feelings for him or what. (I’m an emotional mute, I fear rejection so I don’t talk about my feelings) Things cooled between us, we weren’t hanging out as much and oddly I felt he was avoiding me. So I took that as he didn’t feel the same was I did about so I moved and I started a casual sex fling with some guy. It didn’t last long. Me and my best friend still would talk everyday and we started hanging out one on one again, but lately he’s been more touchy and playful. (kisses my head, touching me, he even bite the top my ear when he hugged me goodbye.) I’m comfortable with him and he know everything about me. I’ve always had feelings for him but I’ve been trying to ignore them. Because I don’t know if he feels the same way or if I’m over thinking these little things. Recently I started dating a new guy and then my best friend would complain I never had enough time for him and that I wasn’t available to hang with him as often. Though I was with this other guy I was going through the motions and pretending. Finally I think my boyfriend got fed up with my detachment and broke things off after 3 months. Of course I went running and crying back to my best friend because he always manages to make everything okay. But now I’m stuck wondering if every little thing that happens between us is a sign that he likes me or am I nothing but a friend to him. It’s obvious that this is going to haunt any and all my relationships, so I stopped trying to see other guys. I’m confused and I know I should say something to him because this is eating at me, but I’m terrified he’ll say he has no feelings for me. But with all these mixed signals going on I can’t be crazy to not wonder. We hug and kiss each other goodbye. I just need someone from the outside to give me any advice that might help me, because this has been on going for more than 3 years and I’m finally at my breaking point. My actions should show him how I feel.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I never advise men and women to be friends because one person always likes the other person more. That’s what’s happening here. My advice is to stop being friends with him — stop “hanging out” and stop running to him when you need the emotional support of a friend or family member. If you want to date him, then you have to treat him as someone who is a potential boyfriend — not a friend.

I know you’re fearful of rejection, but unless you deal with that specific problem, you’re always going to be manipulating people to avoid rejection. If he isn’t interested in you as more than a friend, then it will actually be a gift to know that now, so you can move on and stop using him as default boyfriend when nothing else is going on, as well as getting emotionally invested in him, without knowing if he is or isn’t interested in you as “the one”. 😉

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