[Anonymous]

Two years ago I got back together with my highschool sweetheart. Our relationship originally ended because I found out she was cheating. I discovered this through my own investigating. I was completely over her after the year and a half break but we had a one night hook up which slowly developed into more and more. Today we are completely serious BUT I haven’t been faithful over the two years we have been back together. Whether it was the influence of single friends, alcohol or some subconscious revenge I have been cheating. They were all meaningless one night stands. I fairly certain she have been 100% faithful since we got back together.

If I stop cheating now, do I have a obligation to tell her?

[Ask April Masini]

Since you are not engaged or married, and you want to stop cheating on your girlfriend altogether and start being one hundred percent faithful, you do not need to tell her. Just do it.

If you do wind up being honest and faithful and very much in love with her, my guess is that somewhere down the line you’re going to want to tell her the truth, but for now, it’s more important that you’ve made a decision to change your behavior and to just do it.

That said, it would be interesting to know why you want to change your behavior now, rather than at any other point during your two year relationship up to now. What’s happened in your life that makes you want to change?

It’s also not clear from your post how many times you cheated in the last two years and if these indiscretions were chronic or as specific results of specific incidents. What is of concern is that you are SO angry at her for having cheated on you, that you are unable to ever be completely honest and faithful to her. That situation is unfair — [i]TO YOU![/i] Clearly her having cheated on you upset you deeply, and if you’re not over that or are not progressing towards healing, then you don’t have a shot at a long lasting relationship, and I think that’s what you want.

The other concern is that you may have an addictive issue where you abuse sex instead of a substance in order to satisfy some physical or psychological need that doesn’t really have to do with sex. That’s a bigger problem than your relationship with this woman and will follow you from relationship to relationship if you don’t address it.

I hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

I really not sure why I cheat. I’ve probably cheated about 7 times over the last two years. Alcohol has defiantly been a factor each time, as well in my group of friends such behavior is almost encouraged. I want to stop because I am afraid I will ruin my relationship by getting caught or contract an std. The fact that she cheated on me doesn’t really bother me anymore. The only time I think about it, is when I’m justifying my own unfaithful actions.

I’ve changed so much since we broke up. I’m less emotional and have went from being clingy and controlling, to more selfish and confident. However, I feel these attributes are positive. Some of that has to do with the fact that I get a lot more attention from the opposite sex now then when we first dated. Over the last two years, I have been enjoying the best of both worlds. The exciting single life with bachelor friends and the loving long term relationship. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and so is she having no clue I am cheating. Its going to be hard giving up cheating but I realize that if I don’t stop now its a matter of time before I lose her which is way more important.

[Ask April Masini]

I admire your desire to stop a destructive behavior you’ve been employing (cheating). However, I don’t believe you when you say you don’t know why you cheat. I think you do know and you’re not being honest with yourself. I also bet that until you know yourself deeply, and are able to acknowledge why you cheat and what need in you cheating fulfills (because people don’t behave over and over again in the same way unless they’re getting a payoff from their behavior), you’re going to continue to be challenged by the temptation to cheat.

I hope you can find a way to dig deep and be brutally honest with yourself so that you can learn what it is in your self that has fostered and nourished your indiscretions.

Good luck! I’m here if you need me. 😀

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