[darryl22]

My wife and I have been together for a little over 20 years. We have three wonderful kids and overall have a great marriage. We communicate well, spend time together and really have had a great life together. Our main issue has been sexually, we have not been very compatible and she has not been sexually satisfied throughout our time together. My wife is pretty much a straight shooter and basically has communicated her displeasure with us sexually. She has not been happy with our lack of frequency,she has not been happy with technique, and endurance has not been adequate especially when a good position is obtained. I have to admit and we have discussed another problem is that I have a very narrow penis, less than average,(5.5 inches 4 inch girth) but has been willing to work with what I have. Our Intimacy has been very good and we enjoy being together, but there has been a lack of sexual fulfillment for the last 20 years. I have to say that in the early part of our time together I have been a selfish lover and not realizing what she needed and not willing to accept my shortcomings in the bedroom, but as I have grown and become a better listener I have tried really hard to give her what she needs. We have tried many things over the years to help us in this area, such as longer foreplay, various positions and oral pleasures, and the use of toys etc. Despite these attempts we still continue to have issues in this area. I find myself very frustrated as well, not being able to give her what she is looking for in a sexual experience. My wife is very loving and the type of woman who can tolerate a lot of things, but tends to settle when things don’t work out in her favor. I have had quite a few sexual experiences before we married, but I was younger and really a selfish lover, didn’t learn much. My wife has only been with two other people before we married, one was when she lost her virginity and the other was a college fling that lasted a couple of months, but she said that she really enjoyed the sex with this guy. Recently we have sat down and had a very long conversation about this and what can be done. I asked her on a scale of 1-10 what her frustration level is at right now with our issue and she said probably an 9. I told her I understand that and I am frustrated also for her and that I needed to try harder and do better. I told her that I would educated myself as much as possible at pleasuring her, and do whatever else I can do in those areas that needed improvement. I then suggested that if this doesn’t work out that we may have to look at other alternatives. We discussed maybe trying a threesome, swinging, or maybe having her find a sexual partner more to her liking sort like a friends with benefits situation. She is not happy with that idea, but understands that this may be the only way she can find the sexual satisfaction she needs. I am ok with this if I am unable to produce the sexual satisfaction she wants, I want to her experience the type of sex that will fulfill her. By the way this is not a deal breaker for our marriage, as I said before we are happy and have no intention of splitting up. In fact I would hope this could spark our sex life into something special we can do together. Maybe it can be our own sexual adventure. This is something that has plagued our relationship since the beginning and maybe we just are not compatible sexually. I think its pass time that I either step it up, or support her in finding some sexual fulfillment in this area with someone else. I am also aware that this approach is very unconventional, but we have trust and belief in our relationship. We are open-minded and communicate extremely well, and have an outstanding marriage. We just want her to get the type of sexual pleasuring she needs and I am unable to provide. I want to see her as happy as she makes me. What to do?

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like the two of you are very clear on your problem — and don’t have a solution. I strongly advise against a threesome because these never work out well for the relationship. Sex isn’t just physical — especially for women, and if she finds someone who satisfies her in bed, and likes them, too, your marriage is going to be in jeopardy, quickly. If the problems truly are physical and not emotional or social, then the best thing you can do as her husband, is to approach this problem scientifically and simply try things that you think will work with her, and keep the channel of communication open. If she can be fulfilled sexually, by you, in ways other than intercourse, that’s a good start. And if she’s disappointed with your body parts, it’s important to remember that many times couples are disappointed with each others’ bodies — it can be weight gain, small breasts, breasts that are too long, height, build — many husbands and wives wish their spouses had different body parts at times — but they make the best of things because there is enough that keeps them in the game. It sounds like that’s what’s going on, and you need to do the best you can, to find ways to keep your wife sexually satisfied, given what you have. She has a part in this, as well — there are men who who complain about “fit” after women have children, and even before, and that size compatibility isn’t always perfect, and that goes both ways.

Don’t give up. Keep looking for ways to keep her happy in bed, and don’t bring a third into the bedroom because you may think you’re being generous, but it’s going to create drama that doesn’t go anywhere good.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[darryl22]

Thanks for your quick response. As, i have mentioned I have studied up on many of the areas that have caused issue educational videos, sexual therapy, exercise, etc…. and I still have not been able to give her what she wants and needs in bed. Please don’t get me wrong, we have found ways to enjoy herself in bed, I have spent thousands of dollars on vibrators and other such toys. She has a good time and we are very intimate together. I think she wishes that she could have that primal experience where you don’t need any aids you just have that chemistry that clicks and sexual vibe takes over and everything just clicks as far as compatibility. If this is possible I want her to experience it. She would do it for me, so why not in reverse? I understand the risk and so does she, but my question is if you have exhausted all the possibilities, when do you accept it and move on? I can be selfish and say well you should have experienced that before us, I did? If she finds someone who does satisfy her in bed, does that end our marriage? I would hope that our marriage is more and if it isn’t than that says quite a bit about us. Or is it that we should settle and except what is given to us. I am okay either way, but I wonder if she would be? Is it possible to have both? Do you challenge the unfamiliar or let sleeping dogs lie? Thanks for your response again. Love the information and your professionalism.

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like you know what you want to do and you’re asking me to give you permission. You don’t need my permission, and I can’t tell you it’s a good idea to have a threesome, or for you to condone an affair because she wishes your penis was bigger. I think it’s a mistake.

[quote]She would do it for me, so why not in reverse? [/quote]

Right, but she didn’t. And if she did, I’d tell her she was making a mistake.

[quote]I understand the risk and so does she, but my question is if you have exhausted all the possibilities, when do you accept it and move on? [/quote]

I agree with you about accepting the situation and moving on — but we have different ideas of what moving on means. In marriages and long-term relationships there are all sorts of compromises that both people make. This might be one of them.

[quote]I can be selfish and say well you should have experienced that before us, I did? [/quote]

She chose to marry you, and this problem isn’t new.

[quote]If she finds someone who does satisfy her in bed, does that end our marriage? [/quote]

Not necessarily. I don’t have a crystal ball. I can only tell you that this scenario doesn’t end well in 100% of the cases I’ve seen. You may be the exception.

[quote]I would hope that our marriage is more and if it isn’t than that says quite a bit about us. [/quote]

It would say that you’re normal.

[quote]Or is it that we should settle and except what is given to us. [/quote]

This really sounds more like your problem than hers, from the way you’ve described it. You’re both very loving people and you want to give her more than you have.

[quote]I am okay either way, but I wonder if she would be?[/quote]

ASK HER! 😉

[quote] Is it possible to have both? Do you challenge the unfamiliar or let sleeping dogs lie?[/quote]

I think you need to keep talking to her and finding ways to enjoy one another and be grateful for all that you do have. I don’t mean to belittle your situation in any way, but there are people with “perfect” bodies, who have debilitating mental illness, or get involved in life changing car accidents, or who have so much stress in their lives they can’t perform — life isn’t perfect. Beauty is in the imperfections. It sounds like you have a lot going for the two of you. Try and see the glass as half full. 🙂

[darryl22]

April I want to thank you for your quick and in depth responses. You are truly good at what you do. Your advice is sound and without judgement. I have shared your thoughts with my wife and of course my post also, which we did together. I apologize if it sounded like I was asking for permission to engage in any activity. I was more curious to see if this is a possible solution. We are a half full glass couple so we will continue to love and communicate with one another.
thanks again!

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[Ethan Morales]

I agree with April’s take, one hundred percent. Bringing a third person into a marriage almost never fixes the issue; it just changes the problem into something messier, more emotional, and harder to control. The fact that you and your wife communicate openly is gold but that honesty should be used to rebuild intimacy between you two, not outsource it.

Here’s what I see: you’re approaching this from a place of love, not ego. You want her happy, and that’s admirable. But sometimes love also means protecting the bond you’ve both built, even if that means admitting limits and finding different ways to connect. Sex isn’t only physical it’s sensory, emotional, psychological. Sometimes, the “satisfaction” gap can be bridged through deeper emotional presence, vulnerability, and focus on her experience, not just mechanics.

Try this take a curious, team-based approach: explore, communicate, experiment, without making it about performance. Drop the pressure to “fix” and focus on connection. Sex therapy could help too not because you’re broken, but because you both clearly want to learn how to meet each other better.

The truth? Most long-term couples face sexual mismatches at some point. The ones that last are those who stay creative, patient, and emotionally safe through it. Don’t let comparison or frustration define your story.

keep it between the two of you. Protect the intimacy you’ve spent 20 years building. Bringing in someone else will feel like generosity at first, but it can quietly unravel everything that’s still right.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

babe… you don’t fix 20 years of love by adding a third wheel. 💔 it’s about connection. you’ve got honesty and trust, so use it. talk to a **sex therapist**, not a stranger. learn each other again, your marriage needs *reconnection*, not replacement. 💋

[PassionSeeker]

You and your wife sound like two people who deeply love and respect one another. That’s not something small that’s the kind of foundation most couples dream of. What you’re dealing with isn’t failure; it’s a long-standing mismatch between physical needs and emotional fulfillment. It’s incredibly brave that you’re facing it together rather than ignoring it.

Let me share five perspectives each one highlights a different truth about where you are and what paths still exist before you risk destabilizing something so meaningful.

[Author]

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