[Marie Helene]

Hi April;

I have been dating a man for about 9 months. We are both over 45, and both are carrying baggage from breakups of long term marriages. We have both said the we want to keep things fairly casual, and are not in the position for a major commitment. I have grown to care for him a great deal, and I felt he was into me too. However he has grown increasingly distant over the past 2 months, with less talking and dates. I am feeling insecure and kept trying to initiate things, but this just made him back off more. I haven’t confronted him, except for rather gently saying I didn’t like something he did. I think a demanding attitude is the worst thing I can do with this man in particular. Plus I am not a demanding person and I don’t believe in changing who you are for someone else.

I have been searching online all weekend, and most of the advice says when a man withdraws to back off and give him space. I agree with this so I have changed my habit of contacting him everyday (texting is how we generally keep in touch) and have not contacted him for a few days. I didn’t say I was going to do this, I just didn’t text. I believe the general theory of pulling back when he does, and that harassing him will just push him away but I am uncomfortable, and I’m worried this tactic will make it worse as well. I don’t know how long to wait, or whether or not this means it is the end. I don’t want to be a doormat, or a bitch, and just not talking to him feels like I’m game-playing.

It is pushing my buttons because my marriage was empty for many years, and my ex was extremely cold and neglectful. I am so anxious and uncomfortable. I’d love to get your perspective on this common problem.
Thanks…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your instincts are correct that you shouldn’t push him or throw yourself at him, however…. the way a man shows disinterest in a relationship is to stop contacting and giving positive attention to a woman. It really seems like he’s cooling down and isn’t as interested in you as he once was. This is normal when you’re dating and you’ve gotten involved with someone who isn’t Ms. Right and you want to disengage.

So if he isn’t interested in you any more, you need to be prepared for that, so you can move on. Because you have a history of choosing a man who was cold and distant, and you want to make sure that this doesn’t happen again, don’t YOU be the one to make things better and to enable behavior you really don’t want. Instead, be brave enough to see if someone isn’t Mr. Right and be prepared to move on if that happens.

I hope this helps. Consider reading Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right. You can buy it ($8.99) on the link I just gave you as an automatically downloaded e-book, or you can purchase it on the websites for Barnes & Noble or Amazon. It’s going to help you a lot.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Marie Helene]

Thanks for your quick reply, April.

I was afraid you were going to say that, but I’ve never been one to shrink from the truth. I had been trying to rationalize, he does have some stresses in his life that kind of precipitated the withdrawl, he runs kind of hot and cold, sometimes talking about the future and sometimes ignoring texts or giving monosyllabic replies. Maybe he just needs space… I was desperate to find out how I could act to get through this rough patch. These past three days of no contact have been tough and the silence is loud.

But as you say, my history makes me sensitive to being ignored, and my attraction for him began because he was very attentive. I worry that my issues are making me over react and therefore screw up a perfectly good relationship, but then if I am so anxious maybe it’s me who can’t handle being in one. And I have been anxious since the beginning, preparing for him losing interest the entire time, trying to act cool. Not a great place to be.

I downloaded the book you suggested and am reading it. Starting over is discouraging. Dating is mostly not fun, but at least I don’t have a biological clock ticking….

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for downloading the book — I think it’s going to help you, and hopefully you’ll find dating to be a lot more fun when you’re a lot better at it. 😉 I don’t mean to say you’re not, but if you’re armed with good advice, you’re more likely to walk away from situations that aren’t good for you without investing so much emotionally — which is what you’re doing now. When you’re in a no win relationship and you can’t see your way out of it, it’ll deplete your energy and your optimism.

You’re smart enough to know what’s going on — but your emotional history is going to be an obstacle unless you master it. The one thing you can do is to work on you — you can’t change other people, and you can’t change the men you date, but you can change your own behavior. 🙂

My advice is to do what you’re doing — reading Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] — and start focusing on YOU. Get out there (and it doesn’t have to be dating) and enjoy your life. Take up a new activity like a sport, an exercise class, a volunteer position or just start hitting up a new coffee shop! Meet up with friends and smile at men you find attractive. Get some new lingerie and have your toes done in a beautiful shade of pink or red! If you start putting the bounce in your own step, you’re going to start attracting men without trying. And that’s when dating won’t become such an onus. It’ll be fun. 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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