Dear April-
My fiancé and I have been together for 7 months now. In the beginning of the relationship, he had ties with his ex, “Mary”, and her daughter 1 ½ year old “Lucy”. Ben is in no way biologically the father of Lucy and Mary receives child support from the real father. He was just with Mary throughout the pregnancy and helped raise Lucy from the day she was born. They had a relationship that lasted a year, in which she was pregnant, but they had been broken up for several months. She had previously lived at his apartment as well. Along with “Lucy’, my fiancé “Ben”, has an 11 year old son with Asperger’s Disorder, “Alex.” Ben took care of Lucy almost every day, on top of paying for his ex’s bills and paying for anything and everything Lucy needed. Mary caused a lot of drama; she called him a lot for unnecessary things, text often and to me, acted as if she was trying to run me off by constantly saying horrible things about Ben and his parental skills. This was causing a lot of unwanted stress on all three of us, Ben, Alex and me. Alex despised Mary and he would always talk so negatively about her. Ben gave a lot of attention to Lucy. Took hundreds of photos and gave her his undivided attention. On the outside looking in, I saw that Ben was neglecting his son. We had a long discussion about this, Mary and Lucy, and I told him how uncomfortable the whole situation was for me. He made the decision to tell Mary that he couldn’t do it anymore and told her he wanted her out of his life. He loved Lucy, but needed to do this for Alex and I. I knew the decision to stop fathering Lucy hurt him a lot, and I never told him that it was her or me, he made the decision and he promised me it’s what he needed to do. She was very rude about the decision and decided to move a few states away and told him she’d never contact him again. After this, things appeared to get better. My relationship with Ben was getting very serious and he proposed to me. Alex likes me and we have moved to another location, a much nicer location, and built a family together. Everything was great. We were both happy and in love. The only time I saw Ben or heard Ben talk about Lucy was on her birthday. I even suggested he call, but he refused. He never wanted to talk about Lucy, it was a sensitive subject, so we never really did. He, did however, assure me that they were in the past. Ben and I started talking about the possibility of having a baby, so we had unprotected sex, but never got pregnant. Only once did I think I might have had a miscarriage. He would say how nice it would be to have a baby with me and so I had no fear of getting pregnant. We had our arguments- but nothing we couldn’t move on from. 5 months go by and we were parked near Mary’s old place of work. He stated “I guess they’re back in town”. Her car was there. I asked him “Do you want to see them or talk to them?” He said “She won’t call me anyway and no, I don’t.” That day, things changed. This last month has felt different- less intimate, less affectionate and he seems preoccupied. He never wants to have sex and although I think and feel like I might be pregnant, he now wears protection. When we kiss, he’s looking off into space. I feel undesirable to him. He’s been very emotionally distant and says I love you only after I say it. Talking about it or trying to talk about it to him turns ugly really quickly. He blames me for every little thing that goes wrong and has started calling me horrible names. My self-esteem is very low. I’m feeling insecure. Just as I thought things couldn’t get any worse on our relationship, 1 week ago, he received a call from Mary, at work. She called to tell him Lucy almost died and then asked if he wanted to see her. When I got the text message about this, I got a horrible feeling inside. I asked him if he wanted to see her and he said “We’ll talk about it later.” So many feelings jolted through my head. I felt like I’d been lied to and without warning, he decided without talking to me or Alex about it that he was going to be the father of Lucy. He also told me he’s cried everyday since she’s been gone. I had no idea- I’d been asking him and asking him and his answer was always no. Suddenly, I feel like I’ve been betrayed. Not because he wants to be the father of an innocent little girl, not because he loves her, but because he hasn’t been honest with me about it. He’s always said they are in the past. On top of that, Alex is freaking out that Mary is coming back into his life, and this is confusing for him too. And I feel I’m pregnant. I took a test and it came back invalid. He told me if I was pregnant, I should probably abort it. In my opinion, you make a decision, you stick with it. Well we don’t talk about it now and the thought of him saying abort it… it kills me up inside. I try to bring it up- he turns things around and says things like my kids come first, if you can’t accept it, then go. He gets in defense mode. So, all of a sudden within 24 hours, I am back where I was in the beginning. Instead of reassuring me that he loves me and this will work, he goes on and on about how his love for a child that is not biologically his is stronger than his love for me. I tell him he’s hurting me, he says you’re hurting our relationship by being this way. The only way I’m being is wanting to be involved, in the loop, not wandering what’s going on. I feel like I deserve that. And so we have been fighting constantly for days. I let it die down a bit, but I had to assume Mary would contact him. I asked only for him to say I’m paranoid. I told Ben I accept your love for Lucy and I’ll accept her as my own. I just want guidelines here. I don’t think my fiancé should pay for anything that doesn’t have to deal with his ex. I told him Alex and I don’t want her in our house. He said “You’ve been telling me the same thing for a fucking week”. I replied with “I’m not mad. I’m not angry. I am in fear. In 24 hours, our lives changed again and you are not being empathetic, you are not even trying to put yourself in my situation.” He said to drop it. Two hours before Lucy was supposed to come to our house, he gets texts from his ex. Again, it sounds like flirting to me. I said, “Look, I don’t think she’s over you. I feel there are alternative motives here.” He looked me straight in the eye and said “You are a jealous bitch and I can’t handle your shit anymore. I want you to leave for a few nights.” My eyes teared up. I know Mary is not over Ben. Why else would a woman want another man to father her child? If she believes he is this horrible person, then why? Why did she call 6 months after she promised she wouldn’t? So, I left my own house. I left behind my dignity and pride. I cried all the way to a piece of shit hotel, where I got two nights. He also told me I have one week to get my stuff out. He’s done. I left the house at around 5:30PM. Told my sob story to a friend and my brother, who both say leave. I was afraid to call my parents… he is superficially nice to when they are around. At 9:21PM he texts “miss you”. I wait for a while, then say it back, he asks where I’m staying, I say a hotel, and he says “Y r u wasting money on that? That’s not going to help us get back together.” He told me to leave, he told me to go- what other options do I have? It was my only option, considering I had my dog with me, I couldn’t just waste time waiting for him to tell me he misses me. He then blocked all texts but left me with “Mary and Lucy are staying the night.” Please tell me I’m not over-reacting. Please tell me that I have the right to feel insecure and confused.
Lost, sad and lonely in a hotel tonight, when I should be at my home.
Emilee
April Masini, your AskApril.jennarussell5420
Member #180,599