[autcash]

My ex and I have started talking again over email. We have not talked for 2 months and she has recently told me how much she missed me and still loved me. We’ve tried to reconnect but it has failed because we did not handle it properly. I might have expected more from her or vice versa when it comes to reconnection.

I still love her as well but I reached out to her after I was inspired at church to try to resolve relationships and not to have animosity to old friends. My goal was to eliminate our disconnection and at least be friends vs. enemies that never talk. She surprised me when she said she still loved me and was one of the most important people in her life still….why? Because we have not seen or talked to each other in 2 months and am confused by her response.

Below is her response to an email I sent her when she asked me how we should proceed to reconnect.

Excerpt from my email:

I’ve been to a lot of counseling and have read a lot of things about relationships over the last few months. I do not claim to have all the right answers, but the following seems to be the consistent message when it comes to broken relationships and how to repair.

FIRST YOU NEED GOD and his help to stay on path…

1) Distrust is the ROOT of all splits. It’s that simple. Numerous “symptoms” spawn from distrust. HAVE to be honest and open.
2) Brutal honesty with one selves. Wrong about how we handled it or wrong like how I valued the relationship.
3) Talk (Honest Communication). It takes 2 to have an adult like honest and open conversation. Can’t run or hide.
4) Sincere apology – 2 people have to work together and accepting responsibility for ones mistakes.
5) If either partner is unwilling to talk and admit fault and mistakes then resentment will NEVER go away.
6) Focus on here and now, NOT the past. Learn from the past, can’t change it or use it as ammo
7) Takes 2 willing people to fix a relationship.
8) Create an action plan: 1) Identify what was wrong with me, you and the relationship 2) Fix it 3) Maintain it.

Here is her response:

I have been checking my email all day with anticipation of hearing from you again… You still can make me smile like no one else. I have taken my meds that help me sleep a little bit ago, so I will write you tomorrow.

I miss the hell out of you…

(email from her the next day)

I still don’t know how to respond… you have also sent me information with advice, websites, words, etc in the past. None of it is ever followed through or pans out. I honestly feel like its the boy that cried wolf. I don’t know what to say, because I don’t know what to think, because I don’t know what to believe, because I have heard it all before so many times.

I would like to meet for coffee (preferably tea, seems like thats all I drink lately). What day next week works for you?

April – Do you think it’s a bad idea to try to meet without some ground rules? How can we proceed successfully and NOT fail on another reattempt? Love your advice and appreciate your site so much! It’s helped me so much but now I need my own personal advice.

Thanks!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you want to be friends with your ex, who still loves you. 😕 My advice is that you may be able to be friends at some point WAY down the line, but not now. I never advise that men and women be friends because it’s not usually an honest relationship — especially when you are former romantic partners. One person always wants more, and that means it’s not a true friendship. Friends are honest with each other and support each other and provide companionship and even intimacy (not the sexual kind) by sharing secrets and hearing secrets. When she still loves you, this basis for friendship is going to lead her on. Even if you’re up front by telling her you don’t love her any more, it’s still not in her best interest for you to befriend her, knowing how she feels because it’s going to be harder for her to get over you if you’re in her life as a friend. If you really care about her, let her go and let her move on, heal from the break up, and find love with someone who is COMPATIBLE with her. Same goes for you.

Love is fine, but it doesn’t mean you have to talk to someone or be in contact with them. You can love what you had, and respect that it’s over. Men and women as friends is treacherous ground. My advice is not to reconnect. Benign disconnect is the best way to end this.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[autcash]

You’re so awesome!! However, I do love her and want to be more than friends again! I’m unclear on what her intentions are. Cause again, I don’t want u’s to fail again. The past attemtpts failed cause I wanted to be more than friends bc we were former lovers. I was unclear what se wanted so I was disappointed and she remained distant 🙁. So wanted you to know that I’m looking for advice on the ground floor for her and I to know and have answers too before we proceed.

Here is my latest reply :
Thx for your honesty.

I see alot of reservations in your replies and i know that will be an obstacle for success.  I’m not failing so trust me on this.  My initial thought is that we might need to rebuild trust again before we meet.  Trust will remove reservations which is a necessary component so you can be open and honest with me about everything I’ve said.

  Im slammed so let me think about it some more and get back to you later this week.  Not failing lissa. I wont allow it.  As of now, TH or FR of next week appears best btw if we both decide it’s best to meet again.

Hope you’re having a better day! And again, I’m all ears if you want to tell me what you’re really hoping for.  

Here is hers:
slammed? I am going out on a limb and you tell me your slammed. maybe this isn’t a good idea. but thanks for reaching out

[autcash]

And to reiterate, i want her back and I want u’s to reconcile in the best manner possible. Based on what she said, i believe she would like to reconcile as well. That being said, how do we proceed without making another failed attempt to reconcile? What questions need to be answered. I know where I stand, not exactly sure where she stands. Our past attempts have failed cause I wanted more then I believe she wanted. Just wanted to be crystal clear. I don’t want to be just friends again. I want u’s to be on track to be back together!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Four questions, and then I’ll be able to answer you better:

1. How old are you both?

2. How long did you date?

3. Why did you break up?

4. What has changed since the break up that makes you think a reunion will work?

[autcash]

1. How old are you both? I’m 37 and she’s 31

2. How long did you date? 16 months

3. Why did you break up? She suffered from depression and wanted to work on her health. I did not understand depression and did not see why she had to take time to herself to heal and receive treatment. She was diagnosed with clinical depression and had to quit work fr daily therapy. Her father passed away. All during this time, I felt rejected and made the issue worse b/c of my needs were not met and I kept looking for her to work on US. We tried to reconcile, but we thought back then we could reconcile as friends before being lovers again. (in my case, I was hoping for more than she did as you always advise people why we can’t be friends post romance)

4. What has changed since the break up that makes you think a reunion will work? I’ve recognized that she really was depressed and me trying to hang on was a fatal mistake. So all the efforts failed because of the lack of my understanding to her condition. She has since made tons of progress and my most recent effort (with the idea to not be enemies), I was surprised that she still said she loved me and misses me. So of course…that gives me hope that she really means those words, but she is cautious because of failed passed attempts. We want to meet next week to catch up, but I’m scared if she just misses me and wants to try the friend route first. I can handle that because I have let go and started dating again. HOWEVER, if she wants, I’m willing! ‘m also a born again christian and this was important for her (was not before)

So what questions need to be answered between us too before we decide how to proceed? How can I let her no delicately that I want to succeed and NOT fail reconciling. I don’t want to cause her any setbacks on her depression since we ended in a bad way and I can see where that could cause her setbacks on her condition.

Thanks again for all your responses!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’re missing something here — or rather, you’re not wanting to see it. If every time she gets depressed, she has to break up with you, you’re probably in for another break up down the line. People who tend to get depressed, usually have (at least) several rounds of depression in their lives, and if she can’t get help while she’s in a relationship, she’s probably not a good partner for you. I don’t think the depression was the real reason for the break up.

I’m not sure what there is to reconcile, and I agree with you that you shouldn’t be friends. It doesn’t work. So see if she’ll go on a date with you, and if not, then move on and accept that it didn’t work. 😀

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