[simple2me]

Where to start on this??????
I met my wife online on/around Sept 2003. In a joking manner I tell her and everyone else “I met my Yahoo, on Yahoo!” We dated for several months and I decided I wanted her and her daughter (3yrs old) to move in and started adding on to my house. I didn’t know if she was going to move in or not because she had just divorced several months earlier. Well, she decided to move in around March 2004. Everything seemed to be great. We got along, we were happy, life couldn’t get any better to me then May came along and there she was waking me up from a nap telling me she was pregnant. I jumped up and just looked at her and tried to process everything she was saying since I was just awakened. We were not expecting this and decided to go ahead and get married in June 2004 so that my insurance would cover the pregnancy. This is where everything went wrong… I went into the marriage expecting and wanting it to last until the day I died because I loved her and really wanted to be with her and her daughter. About 3 months into the pregnancy she changed doctors because she didn’t feel the doctor she was seeing had done the correct checks to make sure the baby was fine. The first visit to her new doctor was a shock. She was placed on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy. Well that didn’t last long, she was up going to the mall, shopping, park, etc…. and not doing what the doctor told her to do. I started working another job to make ends meet. My day started at 330am and sometimes ended at midnight but the bills were getting paid so I didn’t complain as long as they were taken care of. I did have a problem with what she was doing though. I told her several times she needed to listen to the doctor but she still didn’t and was in and out of the hosptial several times. I believe this is where the bitterness started between the two of us….. Our daughter was born at 28 weeks, she weighed 1lb13oz and was very sick. She stayed in the hospital from December till March 05 and came home with monitors and a feeding tube. Thank god for the insurance! I went to see her everyday and my wife went a couple times a week. She was in and out of the hospital her first year of life but is fine now. Anyway, things were tough for us, the stress of dealing with a sick child and all the bills we had made life tough. I continued to work my second job and I believe that was a mistake. I should have just said look we can’t afford this so we are not getting it but I wanted to do whatever it took to make sure we could have anything we needed. Once we were caught up I continued to work because I had started building a race truck and figured I would work until that project was done. I felt I deserved it after doing all that I done to make sure everyone was taken care of. I should have just opened my eyes and saw what was going on. We had lost touch with each other and basically drifted apart. she was going out of town every weekend and i was doing whatever. I found out on Mothers Day 2008 that she had been cheating for the last 3yrs. See I told you I should have opened my eyes! I flipped out and wanted to leave but then changed my mind. I loved her and knew we could get through this we just needed to fix the problem. We both knoew where it started the only question was how do we fix it. We decided to move to try and make a new start. This hasn’t worked out so well. I’ve caught her looking for emotional attention online from guys that she meets on various websites. I’ve tried talking to her about this and she just gets mad at me. she will stop for a little while but then start up again a couple months down the road. I feel I’ve done everything possible to prove to her that I love her and want to be with her but I’m starting to not care anymore. We’ve been fighting regularly because I’ve snooped at her email and found her talking to guys again. Whenever I get the feeling something is not right, I snoop and this pisses her off big time. She says that I am evading her privacy. I tell her there is no privacy when it comes to that as long as we are married and i feel something is wrong i am going to question her and if I feel like she is not telling the truth I will snoop. I hate doing it because is not right but what she has done or is doing is more wrong than what I am doing. I really don’t know what to do anymore. Every relationship I’ve been in with the exception of one, I’ve been cheated on. I have not once went into a relationship thinking the person I am with is a cheater, liar, etc… I trusted them, etc… and I looked at that person as a good person. I still love my wife but I am starting to feel like this is a hopeless cause and the relationship is going to end soon because of the fighting. Each fight gets worse and worse. She likes to call me names, tell me she wishes i was dead, i ruined her life, I trapped her. I ask her all the time what man in the world would get someone pregnant to hold them hostage and make them misrealble the rest of their life. She thinks that was my whole plan. well she is wrong. I don’t know what to do anymore. She just had surgery last Wednesday and got out of the hospital today. I stayed the night with her last night while the kids stayed at their grandparents. I love her but I don’t love this relationship anymore. I know she is not happy either but she doesn’t want to change anything to make it better. It seems as if she wants me to be okay with everything she does. As long as I ignore it all we don’t argue but this is not the type of marriage I wanted. She says she loves me and she doesn’t know why she does what she does but I just can’t accept that anymore. I guess I am just going to sit tight and wait to see what happens this summer. I really don’t feel like this marriage is going to work anymore and I don’t know if I should try to make it work. Comments Welcome.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You didn’t really ask me a question. I mean, your post is entitled: Where do we go from here? [b]BUT[/b], your post ends with the answer to your own question:[i] “I guess I’m going to sit tight and wait to see what happens this summer.” [/i]

From where I sit, it sounds like this marriage is not going to work out for you. You are absolutely correct that you should not have taken the second job, and instead, just cut back. In addition to which I’d advise you to slow down in your dating life, and not jump to move in with women so soon in your relationships. Get to know them A LOT better, especially since you have a history of being cheated on. You need to take care of yourself a lot better in dating and choosing women. (I hope that if you do end up dating again, you’ll check in here with me along the way for some feedback.)

I would also suggest a paternity test for your new child since your wife has been cheating on you for three years. It’s possible the baby isn’t yours. You should know that piece of information for sure before you make any decisions.

While it’s true that you’ve been under terrible stress — moving your girlfriend and her daughter into your house, finding out about a pregnancy, getting married, doing construction on your home, having a premature birth with complications for your wife, seeing your new baby in and out of the hospital for a year with problems, and now finding your wife cheating on you, not to mention financial stresses — I’d seriously consider what responsibility you can take in reducing the drama that has to be causing stress on you physically and emotionally.

Between now and the summer, I’d suggest cutting back on your lifestyle big time to alleviate your financial pressures. I’d also suggest that paternity test, so you can use this time to make your decisions with that piece of information at hand. However, when your wife tells you she doesn’t know why she does what she does (cheating on you), that is not a good enough reason to stay with her. If she’s not willing to take responsibility for fidelity in marriage, then you may just be better off divorced, with shared custody, and a more ordered life for you — in which to find some peace and happiness.

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