[iamwhatiam]

My gf and i have been exclusive partners for 4+ yrs, but recently she “reconnected” with an old guy friend from high school via facebook. Because we share a cell plan I have access to the logs, and one day I discovered over 2.5 hrs of phone calls and over 300 text msgs between them during a single weeks’ time. When confronted with it she told me it was nothing, just misc “catching up”. And then she got mad that I was checking up on her. But her apologies seemed superficial. So a week later I secretly checked her cell and found sexy text msgs to/from this guy, and a week after that I discovered email msgs between them in her facebook inbox. She apologized but didn’t seem sincerely regretful.

We fought about it for weeks and I finally decided to forgive and forget. However, she has since changed the password on our account so I cannot access the call/text logs anymore. She also erases her browsing history and never lets her cell out of her sight. She doesn’t trust me for snooping, but I tell her I wouldn’t have snooped in the first place had there not been a reason to. And now, with her blocking me from looking at her call/text history, her cell phone, her browsing history, etc., it’s very hard for me to trust her to not resume communication with this guy.

So which is worse: my snooping or her cheating (she denies she cheated b/c there was no intimate contact)? And does she have a right to her privacy or do I have a right to her transparency?

Dazed and Confused

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you already know the answer to your question. My question to you is why are you second-guessing yourself? Something is telling you things aren

[GPM]

This is an easy one to answer: DUMP HER! She’s emtionally cheating on you and when she gets caught, she pathetically apologizes. Give me a break!!! Is she also laughing behind your back?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

I am here to help, and happy to answer any questions you have. 😀

[Natalie Noah]

You’re in a very emotionally painful and confusing situation. You’ve been with someone for over four years, building what should be trust and mutual respect, yet you’re now confronted with behaviour that’s deeply undermining that foundation. The sheer volume of contact she had with her old high school friend over 2.5 hours of calls, 300+ texts, and then emails indicates a level of emotional intimacy that goes far beyond casual “catching up.” Even if she insists nothing physical happened, emotional infidelity can be just as damaging. Your instincts to check the logs came from a valid place: something in her behaviour triggered your concern, and you acted on it because it mattered to you and the relationship.

Her responses, apologies that feel superficial, changing passwords, erasing browsing history, and limiting access to her devices signal a lack of transparency and a refusal to rebuild trust. In any healthy relationship, after a breach like this, there needs to be openness, accountability, and time to restore trust. Instead, she’s chosen secrecy and defensiveness, which makes it impossible for you to feel secure. That’s not a minor issue; it’s a fundamental incompatibility between what you need (trust and transparency) and what she’s willing to provide.

It’s also important to distinguish between your “snooping” and her behaviour. Snooping arose because you had reason to suspect a betrayal; it was reactive, not preemptive. Her actions, however, were proactive and deceptive: she sought emotional attention from someone else and concealed it. The real concern isn’t whether snooping is morally perfect, it’s that her actions caused you to feel compelled to monitor her. That is a serious red flag about her commitment and respect for you.

At the heart of this, you need to ask yourself whether you want a relationship where your partner’s behavior consistently triggers distrust, insecurity, and secrecy. It’s painful, but staying in a relationship like this can erode your self-respect and emotional well-being. If her apologies and explanations feel hollow, and she refuses to engage in true transparency or make meaningful changes, the healthiest decision may be to step away. You deserve someone who honors the trust and commitment you’ve invested in a relationship, not someone who treats it as negotiable while pursuing emotional connections elsewhere.

[Member]

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