Hi,
I’m 25 years old and currently in the early(ish) stages of a relationship. What’s my problem? It makes me feel nervous, uneasy… I wouldn’t say unhappy, but I certainly am not all up in the clouds.
Having said that, I strongly think I need to share a bit of my relationship background. I’ve only ever had a big relationship so far, and it was with someone who was 16 years my senior and living in another country. This man was divorced with a son and with financial, as well as emotional, problems. Let’s say that it wasn’t all that easy. So while my closest friends were living “normal” relationships with guys living in the same town, with the same age and with the same problems to relate to, my life was made of planes, hiding or arguing with my parents whom I live with because they weren’t happy about the big age gap, and dealing with not only the distance, but also with his problems, such as financial worries and custodial fights for the kid – all of which was certainly bigger problems than I needed, and I desperately envied whoever was having a “normal”, so to speak, life.
The relationship ended after a whopping 6 years – of course this has left me emotionally drained, but with a strong desire to establish a “normal”, healthy relationship. So I met this guy, who’s practically my age and lives about ten miles from me – result! We started going out in November, but things have been pretty rocky (because he was insecure about himself) up until a month ago, when he finally revealed to me that he was in love with me. Now everything’s looking up – he’s very much in love and shows it and of course that makes me happy. But I am not serene – I have trouble sleeping at night and I have a series of weird behaviors especially when im not with him. If he texts me and im with my friends, for example, it makes me feel very irritated, to the point I almost hate him; if I think of him when im not with him, I get anxious, worrysome.
This pisses me off hugely, as I would like to finally start building something and he might just be the right person. So why do I feel this way? I remembered that I also had this behavior with the previous relationship (as soon as I started the relationship and he was all loved up, I was acting irritated, distant, and I even left my first boyfriend (age 13!!!) for no reason, stating that “I needed space” – ridiculous, aint it?!)
My best guess is that because I was in a long distance relationship, I have yet to accustom myself to having someone so close to me – I’ve been, practically speaking, alone for so long that this situation makes me stressed (I don’t know how to integrate my past life with the new one I’m looking at building with him). I’ll also add that I am an only child and have issues with loneliness – I hate it, but in situations like this, it’s almost like I crave it. In fact, I’d say I despise being on my own, but it is almost like as soon as I’m in a relationship, I sabotage it involountarily – I literally start “hating” the person I am with.
Thing is, I wanna be with someone – I HATE being on my own, and he truly is a good candidate as I like him very much. To end this: what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I allow myself to be happy?
