[cooldude]

My current situation, there’s this girl I like and I feel she also likes me. (Both in early 20’s). We see each other 2 or 3 times a week. We both look at each other and we both walk in front of each other or walk right by to get the other to notice. We’ve never spoken before. When I talk to her why can’t I tell her I like her? That’s why I’ll be talking to her because I like her. People act like it’s a no-no and woman get turned off by that. I don’t play games or B.S. with woman. I’m a straight forward, direct man. Am I suppose to say something like, “Instead of just looking at each other we should go out so we can talk and get to know each other.”?

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good question! And here’s the answer: You can tell her that you like her — but you’re probably not going to get the response you want. And the reason is that what is comfortable for you may not be comfortable for her. 😉 Relationships aren’t about what makes sense to you, alone — they’re a confluence of what makes sense to you and what makes sense to her. So just because you’re comfortable blurting out your feelings (and I say “blurting out” because you haven’t had a single conversation with her yet), she may be taken aback because it’s not the norm to just say or act on your feelings — especially when you really don’t know someone.

My advice is that you follow a couple of rules for dating that exist not just to reign you in, but to promote healthy and successful relationships. For instance, it’s great that you’ve noticed and been aware of body language with her, but the next step is small talk. You may find out information in talking to her (the same way you did by observing her body language) that will help you tend towards or stay away from certain subjects. Next, treat dating as a process, not an end result. Use the first three months of dating to decide if you want to continue seeing her or not. During these three months assume that she is dating others, as well, and assume that she may or may not be thinking the same as you. After three months of dating, you’ll know a lot more about her or yourself.

I know you consider yourself straight-forward and direct, and that’s great — but dating isn’t just about you, it’s about the two of you and how you interact. You can lead, but you also have to respond and adjust to whomever you’re with — if you want to.

I hope that helps!

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[cooldude]

Hey April, just wanted to give you an update on my situation. I work at a college and take my lunch breaks in the café. She (whose a student) was in the café sitting by herself so I took the opportunity to talk to her. It wasn’t a long conversation because I had to get back to work. I didn’t tell her how I felt about her, I told her that we see each other a lot and instead of looking at each other we should go out and talk to get to know each other. She said she had a boyfriend but it was nice of me to ask. I was disappointed because I really felt she felt the same way towards me as did to her. I guess I made a miscalculation. I always put myself in these situations where I ask out a woman that has a boyfriend. This has happened 30 some times (I know it’s a lot). How can I avoid this from continuing in the future? How can I get my mind to chase a woman that’s single?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s great that you talked to her! You shouldn’t worry about it that she said no because she has a boyfriend. Getting to know women and finding out if they’re single or not is part of the dating process. If you invest less up front, then finding out someone is already dating someone else won’t be such a big deal because you won’t be so invested. On the other hand, this doesn’t mean she’s married! 😉 Competition and winning someone over is also part of dating, so you can decide if you want to keep her on your radar as someone to possibly impress and win — while getting to know other women at the same time, and seeing if anyone who’s single is interesting to you. 😉

I hope that helps.

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[/b]

[cooldude]

You said something that I found curious. “Competition and winning someone over is also part of dating, so you can decide if you want to keep her on your radar as someone to possibly impress and win.” How does that work? I don’t want to be desperate or pushy. I don’t understand why a woman who has a boyfriend would sit by herself to eat lunch. This is a college and there’s plenty of men around. A woman sitting by herself is just an open invitation for any man to talk to her. If she has to eat alone because of her bf and friends schedules why couldn’t she just get her lunch to go and eat in her dorm? Is there a possibility she’s playing games with me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]You said something that I found curious. “Competition and winning someone over is also part of dating, so you can decide if you want to keep her on your radar as someone to possibly impress and win.” How does that work? I don’t want to be desperate or pushy.[/quote]

Whether you acknowledge it or not, there is competition in dating. And…. that competition goes both ways! If there’s someone you’re interested in, impressing her and showing her your best self, is the way to compete!

[quote]I don’t understand why a woman who has a boyfriend would sit by herself to eat lunch. This is a college and there’s plenty of men around. A woman sitting by herself is just an open invitation for any man to talk to her. If she has to eat alone because of her bf and friends schedules why couldn’t she just get her lunch to go and eat in her dorm? Is there a possibility she’s playing games with me?[/quote]

Sitting alone at lunch doesn’t indicate social status. 😉 Lots of people eat meals alone because they like the solitude, are more hungry than they are lonely, or simply don’t have a boyfriend or best friend around to eat lunch with. So don’t assume that someone eating lunch alone — or, for that matter, with someone — is single or coupled! They’re just hungry. 🙂 But you’re right — a woman eating lunch alone is easier to start chatting with than one who’s engaged in conversation with another person. 😉

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