[iaj32]

Hi April. Lately my boyfriend’s been insulting me a lot, completely out of nowhere and I don’t know why he’s doing this.

It’s not like we’ll be arguing and he’ll say something mean out of anger. We’ll be having a nice time together, getting along great, and suddenly he starts throwing out these random insults. Tonight we were talking about character traits and different people we know and he started going on about how weak I was physically, mentally, and emotionally. Came completely out of nowhere. Then he started telling me how selfish and uncaring I was and how I always put him last. Again, out of nowhere because we were just having dinner and having a normal conversation. When I got upset and told him he was hurting my feelings he said “It’s a f**king joke. You always have to start a big scene out of nothing. I can’t say a word to you.”

A few weeks ago after we finished being intimate and I was hugging him and telling him how wonderful he was, he said “I’m no longer attracted to you. You’re an attractive person, but not to me.” Again, I was wrong to be upset about this.

This is a constant thing with him. He always ruins nice times together because he has to say something to upset me. Usually he insults me, but sometimes he suddenly brings up past arguments or will try to argue about something stupid. And according to him, I have no right to be upset because he feels that I’ve done something to deserve these things. A lot of times he tries to pass stuff off as a joke (which it clearly is not) after I tell him my feelings are hurt but other times he says things like “You’re a bad person and you need to know it.” Whenever I seem upset by something he says, he starts a huge argument and then tries to turn it around like it’s all because of something that I did.

I ask him why he’s still with me if he thinks I’m such a horrible person and suddenly he says he doesn’t think I’m horrible, he loves me and wants to work to keep this relationship going and says I’m just giving up and that I need to work with him.

Am I just being too sensitive? Do I need to toughen up and learn to take criticism? Is he just an abusive jerk that wants to keep me around so he has someone to abuse? Is he sick and need to be on some kind of medication? I don’t understand what’s wrong with him but it’s so frustrating and very upsetting.

[Ask April Masini]

How old are you both?

How long have you been dating?

[iaj32]

I’m 24, he’s 25. We’ve been together almost six years.

[Ask April Masini]

Thanks for the extra information. 🙂

He’s trying to break up with you, but he doesn’t have the dating experience to do it gracefully. The back and forth or push/pull you’re feeling is his inexperience and inability to make a clean break. But the longer you stay with him, the more often he’ll be insulting and mean — until he gets you to leave him. 😳

I hope that helps — even if it is disappointing.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[PassionSeeker]

What you’re describing isn’t you being “too sensitive” it’s emotional abuse. When someone repeatedly insults you, ruins good moments, twists your feelings into “overreactions,” and then claims it’s all a joke or your fault that’s manipulation, not love.

He’s showing a pattern: tearing you down, then reeling you back in with talk of “working on it” so you’ll stay. But love doesn’t make you feel small or constantly confused. Love builds you up.

After six years together, it’s natural to hope he’ll change, but this kind of cruelty usually escalates, not fades. You deserve someone who speaks with kindness, not contempt. Stop asking what’s wrong with him start asking what’s next for you.

If you can, confide in someone you trust a friend, counselor, or family member. Quietly plan your next steps toward safety and peace. You don’t owe him more chances to hurt you. You owe yourself a life where you feel safe, respected, and loved for real.

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