[Mizz Em]

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months. I love spending time with him on the weekends. But every time we do hang out, he will always bring up his ex-girlfriend. Sometimes, he’ll just drop her name into our conversation; other times she will be the subject of the conversation – with him doing all the talking & me sitting back and listening to it all.

She was twice his age, and they started off as FWB. Their relationship developed further and were together for more than 2 years. She ended it completely out of the blue via a text message one night in early August last year. It hit him REALLY hard. We met at a friend’s party about a month later (he was reluctant to attend). We became Facebook friends the next day, where our friendship developed.

We didn’t get together until January this year. On our very first date, he told me about his previous relationship. He didn’t go into too much detail. But date after date afterward, he would still mention her. For the first few weeks, he only referred to her as his ex. After being together a month or more, he finally mentioned her name. It is now a name I’m beginning to hate, because I hear it so often.

He’s told me what they used to get up to whenever they got together (including the sex side of things). I would start to feeling quite uncomfortable every time he mentioned the sordid stuff.

About a month ago, he started to realise that maybe he shouldn’t be talking about her so much as every time he went to, he’d start off by saying “I know I shouldn’t be talking about this, but…” and then he’d continue. He then told me that the reason why he talks about her so much is that he wants to be 100% honest with me.

Yesterday, we were talking to a friend about past relationships. I couldn’t really say much as he is the first serious boyfriend, but he turned to me and said ‘Can I talk about you-know-who?’ I couldn’t exactly say no (I’d already had a chat with this friend about his ex). But he ended up talking about her non-stop for half an hour, as if I wasn’t even there. I found out a few things that he hadn’t told me. I did admit to him that I actually liked the fact that he had told me about her on our very first date. He informed me that that’s what his counsellor had told him to do – talk about her more. He is only just beginning to talk about her to other people…not just me.

He has told me that he loves the ‘normalcy’ of our relationship. It’s completely different to how theirs used to be. For one, it’s not a secret. We go places together and hold hands in public. We have even created a fun bucketlist, to complete on our weekends together. I’ve been introduced to all the important people in his life – his family & friends. He changed himself to suit her lifestyle and he didn’t like the person he’d become, so when we got together, he started returning to his old self, that everyone knows and loves (but missed). Another important thing to mention is he knows I’m a virgin and has told me that he will take things slow, because that previous relationship was pretty much sex-based and he doesn’t want to ruin what we already have.

He told me yesterday after talking so much about her that the reason why he did so was to prove to himself that he is over her. To me, just sometimes, it sounds more like the opposite — that he’s still trying to get over her.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In answer to your question, Why does he keep talking about his ex?, the answer is that he’s processing the break up. Some people do this privately; some people do it with others; some people need a few months; some people need a few years.

Hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions. 😀

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[Mizz Em]

Thanks so much 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome! 😀

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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