[jwells916]

ello, this has been troubling me deeply and I need to understand to move on completely. I was with this guy for over 6 years. I loved him so much and showed, told and gave love to him everyday. We had a son together. He always lied, snck around, kept every aspect of his life a secret and disappeared. I was always the “crazy one” and everything was always “in my head” i suffered a great deal of emotional and mental abuse in the relationship but stuck it out in hopes he would change…to no avail he did not. THe last 2 years i gae him ultimatums to leave or change and save the relationship and if he was unhappy he needed to leave…he would not. he said he did not like being untrusted but refused to be accountable for the things he did and lied about. Finally he left me for someone else…this girl he gives all control to and lets her attack me on very personal levels. When I was with him he would never even tell me anything about his exes but she knows EVERYTHING and even personal things i have confided with him over the years we were together and she uses them in emails to attack me and it hurts. I did not know about her for over a year after he left me…he was still saying he wanted to come back and make it work he just needed time. My son started talking about her one day and i asked him she said she was just a friend. I ended our physical “post relationship” sex at that point and that is when the problems really started. She started to email me hurtful things, telling me how happy they were and how horrible I was and how in love they were and i knew nothing about this mind you. I let it go. I dont understand why she has so much control and he has lied to her about SO many things that hes done wrong to me to cause me to be angry and upset with him. He convonced her I am the one that was wrong. Its like he lied to her from the beginning. It hurts me deep down because I felt I loved him through all his bad and who he really was and he goes to her and puts up this front like hes holer than thou and this great guy and treats her really good and gives her all this control to hurt me and shows her off to everyone and tells me how happy he is EVERY TIME I talk to him and I dont even bring it up! Its like he has this hate for me and all I did was love him. She oves him for who SHE thinks he is and what he shows her. I saw all the bad. He moved into her house and dries her car…pretty much what he did with me. He nver helped me financially but she says he supports her and takes care of her and buys her all this stuff. He nver did nice things for me and acted embarrassed of me and Im one of the nicest people and have been told im very attractive. Shes very homely and not attractive. I will never understand and i NEED help so i can move on. How can he be that way with her and crap on me? If he would of gone the lengths to prove to me and be good to me like he does with her we would of been so happy. I would beg him to change and tell him what I need. with her she says he does all of that and they both throw it in my face all the time how happy they are and I dont even bother them….shes made it clear that under no circumstances she will leave him even though she found out him and I were still sleeping together almost their entire relationship. (again i did not know about her)…..what do you think?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Here are some tips for moving on:

1. You dodged a bullet. You write that he lied, snuck around and kept aspects of his life secret from you during the six years you were together and had a child. Who on earth would want that kind of a man back? Go celebrate that you’re out of that mess.

2. Understand that she isn’t getting a better deal than you. She’s getting a man who lies, sneaks around and keeps aspects of his life secret from her. Same guy. Different woman. He hasn’t changed. And the proof is in the pudding: Do you REALLY think she’d be so hurtful to you if she was happy in her relationship? No. She’s not and she’s lashing out because she’s being put upon.

3. Don’t give her a target in yourself. Block your e-mail, block her number on your phone. Stop engaging with her altogether. No conversation, no phone, no e-mail no snail mail. You have the power to block her. Do it.

4. Figure out that you deserve a an who doesn’t lie. Now, go get one! They’re out there. But you have to date smart. Move on — it’s way past time. 😀

I hope this helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

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