[crooner69]

You guys are going to think I’m nuts, but here goes. I have been co-habitating for ten years with “wife” and we have 2 kids. After the first couple of years, getting her to make love is always a struggle. Tired, stressed, kids around…are always the excuse. I assumed I had a greater libido than her but not now. I have also felt over the years she has been hiding a dark secret from me. I think I have discovered it. She actually has a higher libido than I and chooses not to share this with me. I believe she pleasures herself daily (probably in the morning and in some afternoons when she gets home early). I asked her about this topic before and she at first says she never does this then later she says ‘rarely”. She hates talking about sex. I am the opposite. We always seem to collide on this topic. She is not open and I find her secretive. Sometimes I think she is having an affair due to what I find while I do Laundry. I dont want to get into detail, but when I did ask about questionable ammounts of staining, shes gets irrate and says its a part of a normal womans daily flow. I say to myself, “not a chance”.
My questions are: Why is she hiding her sex drive from me? I feel betrayed, hurt, short changed and saddened! Does she find more satisfaction in fantasy than me? I’m not ugly or unfit or unendowed! Do I approach her? She will probably deny, deny. Please give me some helpful advice!!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problem here is not your wife’s possible secret sex life with herself. The problem is that you’re not getting your sexual needs met, and you’re looking for reasons so that you can blame and then correct your problem. Besides, if your sexual needs are met, I doubt you’ll care if she masturbates and how often, or not.

Since there is no evidence of your wife’s masturbatory life, I’d advise you to stop sleuthing around looking for evidence of her pleasuring herself because you don’t feel like you’re getting enough sex from her. Instead of pointing fingers, you need to find a way to communicate your desire to have a better sex life with her. If you can take the pressure off of her, you’re a lot more likely to get her to open up. When she feels that she’s having to defend herself against your allegations, she’s going to clam up and not want to get into any discussion with you because it will inevitably, in her mind, be about her response to your criticisms. So get out of that pattern you have with her.

Next, please understand that the problem you’re describing — not getting your sexual needs met — is very, very common among couples. You are not alone, and that’s why I’ve written a book for couples who want to get the spice back in their sex life. Get a lot of ideas for ways to set the stage for your wife to loosen up and enjoy herself with you. So many women who’s husbands aren’t satisfied with the amount of sex they are having feel pressure to have sex. What I’ve tried to do for men like yourself is to give them ideas for dates that will be about feeling sensual, sexual and intimate. Because it’s not just about hopping into bed, but about the experience of the date, lots of women who’s men set up these dates described in the book, feel less pressured to have sex, and find themselves enjoying the date, and along the way, feeling more sexual as a result. The end result is win-win. 😎

So try setting up these scenarios described in the book, where the kids are with a relative or a friend for the weekend, and your wife doesn’t feel the need to worry about the kids. Then rather than finding the two of yourselves alone in the house without the kids, but with the same old same old dynamics, implement these dating ideas to promote further intimacy and more and better sex.

Making sure that you have these opportunities when the kids are not in the house — or else the kids are in the house, but the two of you are in a hotel — will give your wife opportunities to relax into herself without the burden of her job as a mother. For women, sex isn’t just a physical act. They need to feel relaxed, not pressured and aroused. It’s a lot more work for her to be ready to have sex than it is for you, but rather than argue the unfairness or the responsibility for the difference, accept it, and change your dynamics as a couple so that she is more interested in more sex with you.

[Member]

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