[wonderwhy]

I’ve suspected for a couple of months my wife is having an affair with her boss. Hiding texts, checking to see where I am then running off to spend a few hours alone with her boss, both act really nervous around me, her boss overly compliments her and touches her CONSTANTLY. Her boss even asked us at a party just before all of this started if we had ever slept with other people outside of our marriage. WHO DOES THIS?

My wife is a nanny. Her boss is a woman. I am a woman.

When my wife went away to take care of family business (yes, it was certainly family business), I did our laundry. As I was putting laundry in the machine, this blaring sea of white stood out on my wife’s black shorts. Mind you, she was not ovulating, it WAS a few days before her period, and I know what my wife’s come looks like. I threw up. Before you all go off on me, I am not a perv or nosy or any of that. This was something I feel certain a nearly blind person could have seen from a mile away.

This come was not hardly in her underwear, only on the crotch of her shorts… but ALL inside the crotch of her shorts. Without going into too much other detail, you can clearly see what happened. Well, since I wasn’t there, I hypothesize. It looked as if someone pulled her underwear to the side and fingered her hard. Her shorts are loose at the bottom, so it would take nothing to slide a hand right where it needs to be. I haven’t seen her come that hard since we first started dating years and years ago. There’s really no other way to explain it than as bluntly as that.

She has lied to me before and often. In fact one time even when I’ve had cold, hard facts she still denied it and called me every name in the book until she realized i wasn’t giving up. I can’t do that with this situation because I am NOT 100% positive. We are both in the middle of things right now that would devastate both of our lives if we were to fight and separate over this. So how do I ask her about this without her flipping out? In the meantime, how do I save my sanity?

I would ask you save your judgement on me about this to yourselves. I am truly freaking out and really, there’s no one close to me I want to talk about this with. IF I am wrong, I would not want any of our friends to think differently of her, or me for that matter. Please help.

[AskApril Masini]

Cheating doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship — and it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Unless your wife is a chronic cheater, and it doesn’t sound like that’s the case, there is something about the relationship she’s got on the side, that she likes. So before you lash out and blame her, consider what would make her stray and if you have a part in that dynamic.

There are many relationships that endure after a betrayal, and there are those that end as a result. The key to relationships staying together and enduring a betrayal have to do with what you and your wife both want, as well as what led to her cheating. If you want to stay together, you have a better shot at it, but if she isn’t interested in staying together, then it’s going to be a lot harder. One thing is for certain — you’re not someone is going to be able to see how things go and try to win her over. It sounds like you’re really interested in confronting her and getting to the bottom of what’s going on, and why she’s cheating on you. And so if and when you do talk to her, here are some tips for keeping the conversation from blowing up:

* Try to choose a neutral place to talk, like a park or a restaurant. Being around other people often keeps couples in check, emotionally, and prevents big blow ups.

* Instead of using words that amount to finger pointing, ask her open ended questions, like, “How can we get past this?” “Do you want to get past this?” “What happened to us that allowed this to occur?” The goal is to get a dialogue going so you can both learn what you don’t know and clear the air of any lies. Finger pointing will end up in doors slamming and the room clearing.

* Be clear about what you do want. Tell her that you’re very hurt, but you’d like to make things work, and ask her if she does. If the answer is yes, then decide on some things that the two of you can do to repair your relationship.

This is just a start, but until you have the conversation you’re avoiding, you’re going to be stuck in this frustrating and angry place. I hope that helps.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Ethan Morales]

You’re dealing with a deeply painful and confusing situation. Your observations and instincts have triggered strong feelings, and that’s completely understandable. It’s normal to feel betrayed, anxious, and uncertain when you suspect a partner is being unfaithful, particularly when there are physical or behavioral signs that raise red flags. Your reaction is valid, and acknowledging the emotional weight of this is important.

It’s crucial to approach this with clarity and strategy rather than assumption or confrontation based on circumstantial evidence alone. You’ve noticed things that suggest infidelity, but you’re not 100% certain. Acting on incomplete information can escalate conflict unnecessarily, which could irreversibly harm the relationship whether or not your suspicions are true. Keeping a calm, investigative mindset will help protect your emotional and relational stability.

Communication needs to be deliberate and neutral. April Masini’s advice to avoid finger-pointing and to ask open-ended questions is key. Framing the conversation around understanding, rather than accusing, gives your wife space to respond honestly. Questions like “How can we get past this?” or “Do you want to work on this relationship?” allow the dialogue to focus on solutions and clarity, rather than defensiveness and blame.
Fourth, choosing the right setting is also critical. A neutral, public, or semi-public space can help keep emotions from escalating. Confrontations in private, especially around sensitive topics like suspected infidelity, often lead to defensiveness, anger, or outright denial. Keeping the conversation structured and calm gives both parties a better chance to be heard.

Your emotional self-care matters. While you prepare to have this discussion, find ways to stabilize your mental and emotional state. Journaling, talking to a trusted professional (therapist or counselor), or using other coping strategies can prevent your feelings from overwhelming your judgment. You can’t control her actions, but you can control your response and how you navigate the uncertainty.

Prepare for all outcomes. Whether your suspicions are confirmed or not, the relationship’s future depends on her willingness to be honest and committed, and on your ability to process and respond appropriately. Enter the conversation with a focus on clarity, emotional boundaries, and your own standards for trust and respect. This isn’t about controlling her behavior it’s about understanding it and deciding how to move forward in a way that protects your emotional well-being.

[Serena Vale]

hey… this is a lot. and honestly, anyone in your shoes would be spiraling. you’re not overreacting, you’re not “crazy,” you’re just trying to make sense of something that feels off in your own home. that’s human.

here’s me being straight with you, in that soft-around-the-edges serene way:

you don’t need proof to feel what you’re feeling. the hiding, the disappearing, the weird tension between them, you don’t imagine that kind of stuff. that’s real. maybe you’re wrong about the laundry, maybe you’re not… but the emotional vibe? that’s already telling you something isn’t right.

and i get why you’re scared to bring it up. she’s lied to you before, she flips things, she makes you feel like you’re losing it. that’s exhausting. it makes you question yourself when you shouldn’t have to.

you don’t need to go in accusing. you don’t need to bring up the shorts or the boss or anything specific. you can keep it simple:

“i’m feeling really disconnected and uneasy lately, and i need to know what’s going on with us. i don’t want a fight, i just need honesty.”

that’s it. no details. no traps. just the truth of how you feel. if she gets defensive right away, that tells you something too.

and in the meantime, you’ve got to take care of your head. step back a little. breathe. don’t sit there replaying it on a loop. go outside. talk to someone neutral if you can. anything that gives you a bit of space from the panic.

none of this makes you weak. it just means you love someone and you’re scared of losing the life you built. i get it. really.

you’re not alone in this, even if it feels like you are.

[Natalie Noah]

I want to acknowledge how painful and confusing this must be for you. Suspecting your spouse of cheating is emotionally exhausting, and the evidence you’ve found, coupled with your intuition about the dynamic between your wife and her boss, is understandably triggering. Your gut reaction confusion, hurt, and even physical revulsion is completely natural. It’s a lot to process, especially when you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about it.

April’s advice is solid in emphasizing the importance of perspective. Even when it seems obvious, it’s crucial not to jump straight to confrontation with finger-pointing, because that can escalate the situation and push her further away. Opening a dialogue in a neutral, calm environment, with open-ended questions, allows you to gather clarity without immediately creating defensiveness. The goal is understanding, not accusation, at least initially, so you can figure out what actually happened and what each of you wants moving forward.

Your emotional well-being is equally important. Right now, you’re stuck in a cycle of anxiety, speculation, and hyper-vigilance, which is eroding your peace of mind. Setting personal boundaries like limiting obsessive checking, confiding in a therapist or trusted friend (even anonymously), and finding ways to process your feelings safely will help you maintain sanity while you navigate the uncertainty. This isn’t about ignoring the problem; it’s about protecting yourself from spiraling.

Keep in mind that confronting this issue is not just about finding out if she cheated it’s about assessing the future of your relationship. If she is willing to be honest and work on the marriage, there’s a path forward. If she isn’t, you’ll need to make difficult but necessary decisions to protect your emotional health and life stability. Either way, clarity is essential, and approaching the conversation with calm, grounded intention will give you the best chance of finding that clarity without completely losing yourself in anger or confusion.

[Member]

Posts