[hmszuch]

So I met this amazing woman about 3 weeks ago. She lives about 45 min away from me. I’m 27, she’s 22. We’ve both been through a bad previous relationship…I was not married but she was and has a 2 year old son with her ex-husband. I’ve never been married, no kids. We immediately hit it off…chemistry, funny, romance, everything. It was so nice…even looking into eachothers eyes, I had a feeling like I’ve never felt before. And she was the first to tell me….which was flattering. We have been in constant contact with eachother since then….texts, calls, pictures, you name it. She would text me first in the morning to tell me good morning, it made me feel alive again. But now….everything has drastically changed. She claims to say that she got into a heated argument with her ex over the weekend when she was dropping her son off, and needed some time alone….which was fine with me. I understood, and gave her her space. But when I didnt hear anything from her in over 48 hours, I got concerned…and just wanted to make sure she was alright. No response….no call….nothing. Finally, we spoke last night for about 15 min. I was asking what was going on….was she alright? She says she had a bad day saturday, which I knew, and sunday she says she got food poisoning…but then she says to me “I have a lot of thinking to do”. I say about what? She said her ex wants to now try to work things out….and she thinks we’re moving too fast….fast? We’ve only had a chance to hang out twice, and both times were amazing. I said we can take it as slow as you want, I’m in no rush. Her exact words were “I feel like a high school crush all over again…you make me feel so special”. She even opened up to me about her ex, telling me he constantly put her down, was controlling, and it took everything she had to move in with her mom until the divorce was finished….which she spent over $6,000 in attorney fees….and that she didn’t know that guys like me were still out there. Now she has a house with her son, and finishes nursing school in Dec. The worst part about all of this….is not knowing anything at all…..it’s like torture….being left in the dark. I don’t know what’s going on. It’s just weird….she goes from “I can see myself falling for you soon”, to not saying anything. She did say though, that she likes me a lot, a lot. She kept stressing that point to me. And she asked if there was a time this week that we could hang out. But here’s the thing….she wont respond to anything I send to her. At all. So I’ve decided to just give her space….and not contact her whatsoever. No calls, no texts, nothing. I figure if she’s worth waiting for, she’ll let me know. I’ve had my heart broken too many times in the past…and it sucks. Is this the best thing to do? I know women think completely differently, and there’s obviously some thoughts going through her head about her ex and her son. I don’t know if other’s are pursuading her at all…which is probably the case…but it’s just aweful not knowing anything. I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t care for this woman dearly. So….I need some advice…some help…anything. What should I do? Why is she acting like this when she claims that he treated her terribly? She told me she never felt like she did when she looked into my eyes for the first time….but something is obviously going on. Maybe she just needs space and time….and I’ll give it to her. Should I just let it go and let her make the call? Any advice is appreciated, from anyone.

Thank you,
Harrison

[Ask April Masini]

She’s not being confusing — she’s just not responding the way you want her to. 😉

It sounds like you met a divorced, single mother three weeks ago, but you haven’t asked her out on a date yet. 😕 Instead, you’ve been contacting her daily and you’ve set up a kind of communication that jumped the gun on a relationship. Dating serves a purpose: It allows you to get to know someone and to decide if they’re worth continuing to invest in. My advice is that you focus on the process of getting to know her, rather than looking for an outcome that belies what you already know. 😳

In the meantime, you’re right, that dating is competitive — and she is probably dating others, or being asked out or considered a possible date by others — just as you should be doing, too! If you are able to win her over and after dating for three months (not hanging out), you decide that you want to continue dating her, then that should be a smart decision you make, not an emotional one based on feelings that are being challenged by behavior. 😉

I hope that helps!

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[hmszuch]

Thank you for your response. I wanted to clarify one thing, I should’ve stated that we did go on 2 seperate dates, not hang out. I refer to hanging out as a date, I apologize. Our first date was a pleasant walk on the boarkwalk of our beach and sitting by the water and engaging in good conversations. I also need to mention that SHE was the one who made all of the first moves…not me. Our second date was supposed to be a baseball game but she ran late so we decided to just take a drive since the weather was nice. And both dates were very nice. We talked a lot we both said we felt a connection. Here’s what I think…and correct me if I’m wrong…but I feel as if the EX has noticed that she’s seeing someone, he’s gotten jealous, and now is playing nice guy…but she also mentioned that shes afraid that he will take her back to court for custody of her son….which I tried explaining to her that can’t happen…but I think she’s afraid. That’s what I personally think…..I could tell there was something she wasn’t telling me. All humans have that 6th sense…especially about someone you care for. Could this be an instance in which she is in fear of her ex? Being that he was very controlling in the past?

[Ask April Masini]

Thanks for filling me in. 😉

Your instinct is probably correct, that her ex caught wind of her dating, and decided to make a stronger play for her. But there is always competition in dating. That said, the father of her child will always carry the promise of a family together, and the reason for their break up is important, as is her resolve at moving on, or trying to make things work with her ex. Dating a single parent is different than dating a single person without kids.

Also, what you have to understand when you’re dating a single parent like her is that her ex absolutely can take her to court for more custody of her child at any time. It doesn’t mean that he will win, but custody is always in play as long as a child’s best interests are at stake.

As for her fear of her ex being controlling — that doesn’t fly because she’s a grown woman, and you’ve mentioned that she’s someone who’s made the first move in several situations with you. This doesn’t sound like a shrinking violet or someone who would let a controlling person control her. Her choices are her choices. And if she’s not going to date you in order to protect the custody status of her son, that’s a legitimate choice. Her two year old child has to come first.

Hope that helps!

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[hmszuch]

It’s just that she’s acting very very strange….not her usual self. Yes, she may be sick, but I can tell she’s not the way she used to be. And it all happened when she told me she got in an argument with him. What should my plan of action be? Should I communicate at all with her? She said she wanted to see me sometime this week, but it seemed like she was holding something back. She wouldn’t talk much. Women think in balls of yarn, men think in boxes….I believe anyway lol So I know I can’t read her mind or her thoughts, but I went from feeling like a kid again, like the happiest guy on the plantet, to being left in the dark and confused. It hurts…it hurts that someone like this would come into my life and all the sudden it feels like she’s gone. I know she’s not…and she may just need time alone to think and decide. I know it’ll all explain intself with time. You’re extremely helpful April, and I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. Also, she sent me 2 pictures last week. The first said “Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.”, with a couple on a bike. The second was a quote that said “Sometimes, all it takes is one person to show you that it’s okay to let your guard down, be yourself and love with no regrets.” Why would someone open up so much then all the sudden not respond? Is she playing me like a fool? I feel like a puppet on a string…the worst part is just not knowing because I havent had a chance to talk to her.

Thanks,

Harrison

[hmszuch]

I just need to know what you think the best thing for me to do is. I’ve decided to just give her space, time, whatever she needs. I don’t want to come across as suffocating…but I have very strong feelings towards this woman…and she told me how she felt about me first. Confusing…yes…ittitating…getting there….lost…definitely….hurt…sad to say but yes. I havent felt like this towards someone…not in my previous relationships…not ever…I know because I didn’t know that feeling existed until we met. Keep up the good work April, I’m letting everyone know how great your site is.

Thanks again,

Harrison

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]What should my plan of action be? [/quote]

You should ask her out on a real date for next week, and don’t be so available to text, phone and e-mail. In fact, limit your communication to less than once a day, but do make those communications positive. You’re putting way too much energy into a relationship that is three weeks old. As I said before, [i]you’re jumping the gun and imagining a relationship before you get to know her better. [/i] 😉

[quote]Should I communicate at all with her? [/quote]

Just call her tomorrow and ask her out on a date for Saturday. If she says yes, then just initiate a “reminder and looking forward to seeing you tomorrow” contact on Thursday or Friday. If she contacts you, just respond twice during the week. 😉 Keep it short and sweet, but slow it down. Don’t invest so much in someone you don’t know that well.

[quote]Why would someone open up so much then all the sudden not respond?[/quote]

Because they’re impulsive or because they jumped the gun and thought you were one thing, or thought they, themselves were one thing, and discovered that you or they were something else. Sometimes people open up because they’re lonely or because they’re the kind of person who opens up easily and regularly, and you’re just another “ear”. There are lots of reasons that people open up and then change their minds about their feelings for the listener.

[quote]Is she playing me like a fool?[/quote]

It doesn’t sound like it. It just sounds like you jumped the gun here…. now, it’s time to be a little more prudent with your energy. 😉

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[hmszuch]

April, you are amazing at what you do! Thank you for all of your responses! One last thing…what should I do if I call her tomorrow and she doesn’t answer? Should I leave a voicemail and if so what should I say? Or if she doesn’t answer just leave it alone? If she doesn’t answer or respond, when do I contact her again…if I even do? I want to see her, and she me, but I don’t want to be too agressive at all. I’m willing to take it as slow as it needs to go, I’m not in any rush at all. I’ve got a full time job while taking online courses to finish my masters…so I can’t deal with this in the back of my head constantly….way too distracting. Good thing is, I’ve got friends who I can talk to or do things with to take my mind off of it, or just go to the gym and take out my frustration on the weights lol Again, you’re freakin awesome April!

Harrison

[Ask April Masini]

Thanks so much!! 😀

[quote]One last thing…what should I do if I call her tomorrow and she doesn’t answer? Should I leave a voicemail and if so what should I say? Or if she doesn’t answer just leave it alone? If she doesn’t answer or respond, when do I contact her again…if I even do?[/quote]

If she doesn’t pick up, leave a phone message asking her to call you. That’s it. If she doesn’t call, then move on. If she does call back, take the call, and if she leaves a message because she’s missed you, wait 24 hours to return that call. In other words, don’t appear too eager. You want her to want you, and if you’re always available, you’re going to be less attractive to her than if you’ve got a life going on. 😉

[b]Check out my new FB Fan Page!! And If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” me — and tell a friend!
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[hmszuch]

Thank you so much April. I will absolutely take your advice on everything, and I will keep you posted on what happens. You deserve a medal for what you do! Helping men through the toughest of all topics….women lol Keep up the good work, I look forward to being in touch with you.

Harrison

[hmszuch]

Hello again,
So I wanted to give you an update on what’s gone on since the last post. I took your advice and gave her a call…no answer so I left a short voicemail just asking her to call me whenever she got a chance. That was Wednesday evening. I got no call or text all day…until this evening…Thursday. All of the sudden, out of the blue, after days of no response, I get a text that reads “I miss you like crazy” then another right after “A lot 🙁“. I was busy so I didn’t respond…but then the phone rings about 30 min later and I didn’t know what to do…so I took the call. I asked how she was feeling….not quite sure knowing how to go about it. I asked what happened? She said “I’m sorry…I’ve been really busy”…and I get it…but why I would not get a response for days still puzzles me. I wasn’t rude, and I didn’t want to immediately jump into the “why didn’t you text or call me back” deal….so we just talked for a few min, and we’re going on a date Saturday. Here’s my dillema…I obviously want to know what had gone on, I think any guy would, and I think thats understandable…but do I even bring up the subject? Or do I act like nothing happened and just go along? If I do bring it up, when should I? I’m just not quite sure how to approach the issue…if I should even approach it at all. She didn’t say much at all when I asked what happened…just kept saying she was sorry and was busy. The good news is, she still wants to see eachother and obviously misses me, otherwise she wouldn’t have contacted me. What suggestions do you have about how I go about this? Anything, as always, helps.

Thanks again,
Harrison

[Ask April Masini]

You titled your original post, “Women are confusing….” but reading through your question, my advice, and your responses, the reality is that you’re creating confusion to avoid your fear of rejection. I advised you to ask her out on a date, but it doesn’t appear that you’ve taken my advice, and you’re looking to stir up drama, where there is none, to avoid this fear. 😳

Rejection is part of the dating game — and it’s a gift when it comes because it lets you know you’re barking up the wrong tree, and should move on to find someone who wants to date you. On the other hand, if you’d taken my advice, and asked her out, you might, at this very moment, be basking in her “yes” and getting ready for your weekend dinner date.

I can’t make you take my advice, but I can let you know that you’re letting your fear of rejection get the best of you — and it’s going to cause regrets in your life if you continue to honor it. 🙁

I’ll answer your questions, below, as a courtesy, but unless you’re willing to change your own behavior, my answers to your questions are going to become repetitive. 😉 Everything you need to know is in this thread — re-read it! 😀

[quote]Here’s my dillema…I obviously want to know what had gone on, I think any guy would, and I think thats understandable…but do I even bring up the subject? Or do I act like nothing happened and just go along? If I do bring it up, when should I? I’m just not quite sure how to approach the issue…if I should even approach it at all. She didn’t say much at all when I asked what happened…just kept saying she was sorry and was busy. [/quote]

Nothing has gone on. You called her and she called you back a few days later — because she has a life and is busy. That’s normal. Don’t create drama where there is none. I know you think “any guy” would want “to know what’s gone on” before making a move — but you’re wrong. Guys who win with women focus on the goal — a date; a relationship — whatever it is. You’re focusing on your fear and creating drama so you don’t have to move forward (one way or another). 😥 You don’t have to pretend nothing went on because nothing did go on. Her response was very normal. Yours isn’t. A normal response is to just ask her out on a date — I know you’re scared, but you’ve got to get over your fears because they’re keeping you from achieving your goals, and they’re going to be the source of regret.

[quote]The good news is, she still wants to see eachother and obviously misses me, otherwise she wouldn’t have contacted me. What suggestions do you have about how I go about this?[/quote]

Ask her out on a dinner date!

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[hmszuch]

I’ve re-read what you wrote multiple times, and I understand. I will take your advice, and quit creating drama when there really is none….and you’re exactly right, I was afraid of rejection but I need to take that as a positive instead of a negative. I did ask her on a dinner date, and we’re going out this Saturday. I’m not even going to think about it, instead I’m going to focus on the goal…a possible relationship 😀 Thank you for all of your input, I can’t tell you how much it’s opened up my eyes to the way I’ve been acting….guess I needed a good smack in the face to wake up 😆

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very welcome — and congratulations on getting over this hurdle!

Now, figure out what you’re going to wear, where you’re going to take her, and pick her up with flowers as a gift. 😉

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[hmszuch]

Hello….Again
So we had a phone conversation thursday evening, when she called me. She wanted to talk…so I said sure. She went into how she was sorry for not responding and she was sorry that she hurt me. I said I wasn’t mad, and its ok I understand that you’re busy…and you didn’t hurt me I was just worried for you. She said she just needed some time alone and didn’t really talk to anyone during that time. The rest of the call went very well…she kept saying she misses me and that she wished I could come hold her. We laughed, joked, and flirted…and I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner this weekend and she said she would love that. That was Thursday. Friday she texted me from work, just a friendly text asking how my day was going. I repplied, short and sweet. We didn’t talk Friday night, I tried to contact her but nothing. Saturday morning she sent me a text saying her phone won’t let her make or receive calls but she can still text, and that her grandpa had to go to the hospital so she was there for a while and went home and went to bed. Then she says she has a family reunion and she can’t do dinner….which would’ve been nice to know when I asked because she said she had nothing planned for the weekend. But I said that’s fine, go enjoy the reunion and we’ll just play it by ear. She then said “we can do something tomorrow though”, so I said that would be nice and she would text me in the morning . She then sent me a text this morning that said “need to see my dad today is his birthday and I forgot”. I said that’s ok, family comes first….but I honestly am a little upset and feel like I’m being played like a puppet. I don’t plan anything for the days that we’re “supposed” to see eachother because I plan on seeing her, but then something comes up and I lose other opportunities to do things with friends….such as going out on the boat to go fishing or go play golf…which I had to pass up because we had made plans together. I just feel like its kind of disrespectful….that I make plans and blow other people off to go see her, but then something comes up and her texts are very short with no “im sorry” or anything…just a text saying she has to do something else. I don’t know….am I acting irrational at all by being upset about this? I mean, I had chances to have an awesome weekend, and I understand if things come up but damn…it would’ve been nice to know beforehand so I could’ve had a chance to do other activities with friends but by the time I find out whats going on, its too late to do what I wanted or what I was invited to do. Should I just not contact her at all right now? I feel like everytime I do, something ALWAYS comes up, even when she states over and over that she doesn’t have any plans. I’m not going to keep hanging around for an answer, and I don’t know if I should be upfront with her and tell her how I feel or just forget about it? I have to go to mobile tomorrow, where she lives, for a meeting, and she said on the phone conversation that I should surprise her one day at work on her lunch break. She told me where she works and it would make her day if I showed up one afternoon…multiple times she told me this. And I was planning on possibly surprising her at work tomorrow and take her to lunch….but I don’t know if I still should now? I’m lost….am I wrong to be a little upset about this? It just seems like there’s always an excuse…phone wont answer, hospital visit, family reunion, dads birthday…obviously you can’t control a hospital visit or phone difficulties, but I would think that a family reunion and a birthday would be something that you wouldn’t forget about. Honestly, if she texted or called me right now I don’t think I would respond. I like her, I really do, but what the heck is going on? I have no idea….any thoughts about this at all?

Thanks again April

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