[MysteryWoman]

If you’re going to give him space, then GIVE HIM SPACE. That means NO texts, NO advance warnings of space-giving, NO “What’s going on” messages. LEAVE HIM ALONE! 😀

I think things will improve when you learn to process your feelings internally before you express them. Eleven texts about the coffee was weirdly, weirdly excessive. And you must have been sending him a TON of Facebook messages if he actually felt the need to delete you off his list.

To him, right now, you’re a drain. You require way too much attention. Things will turn around completely if you now, immediately, make a concerted effort to focus ALL your attention on YOUR life, and genuinely give him enough space to miss you. That means ONE text a day MAXIMUM. Let him wonder where you are, what you’re doing, why you’re no longer hounding him. Let him miss you!

Every dating book in the world spells this out. Read one! 😀

[MysteryWoman]

Oh, I just don’t know anymore. 🙁 He seems so genuine. On his own volition this week, he visited my parents and asked my Dad’s permission! I know why you’re sceptical but this all seems like a lot of effort for a man who’s dating others. WHY WOULD HE BOTHER?!

Oh I’m so confused! This seems like such a random time to finish this relationship!!

[MysteryWoman]

Ouch. 🙁

[MysteryWoman]

Hello again. 🙂

You know the guy I wrote to you about before? well, we had a month’s split after the NYE texts, then we made such a big effort to win me over that I agreed to date him again and everything’s been great since.

So great in fact, that he recently got a huge tax rebate, and immediatel took me to Paris and proposed with a truly beautiful diamond solitaire ring. :-O

i have two questions:

1. Do you think it’ll work out? I love him, he appears to be crazy about me too.
2. Since the proposal, I have surprised myself by being MORE insecure. i’m counting his texts?! I can’t seem to relax. I have no reason – it only happened 4 days ago and he has been adorable ever since! But i seem to have gone really clingey and needy. I’m frcing myself to back off a little – stay busy, throw myself into work & friends – because otherwise I’d be calling him every 5 minutes! WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED TO ME?!

Thanks x

[MysteryWoman]

He knows what he wants! He wants a restraining order put on you.

[MysteryWoman]

I already did! 🙂 I said, I did it when you asked me to! Really looking forward to your answer.

[MysteryWoman]

OK, I have done!

Update: I saw him briefly yesterday for a coffee. I don’t think he cheated on me – I just don’t. I might be daft, but I just don’t.

I suggested we take a month’s break, no contact, so I could see how I felt. He’s terrified I’ll discover life’s better without him, or I’ll find someone else, or forget about him.

I just don’t know what to do! I just want us to get married and be together, really. Together every day, companiably.

I’ve asked everyone’s advice — everyone’s telling me he’s a twat (except for my mum, who loves him)… Help!

[MysteryWoman]

I was out with my boyfriend on NYE, and he got really drunk. After he fell asleep in bed, his iPhone beeped with a text. Seeing it was from another girl, I took the phone downstairs and read the messages. It went like this (I’ve written his in capitals).

11.55pm: HAPPY NEW YEAR, SEXY XXX
12.10am: HAPPY NEW YEAR, SEXY XXX
12.17am: Happy new year. Thought you’d forgotten about me x
12:30am: NO CHANCE XX MSG U TOMORROW NIGHT BABY XXXX
12:45am: Are you having a good night? x
1:15am: YES XXX
1:15am: HMM, MSG U TOMORROW THEN XXX
1:30am: HMM, MSG U TOMORROW THEN XXX
2:30am: Sorry just got home x

My first impression was that he wasn’t cheating, he was just drunk and flirty. I then read through his WHOLE phone and only found lovely things about me – his telling all his friends how much he loves me and wants us to get married. ?!

When he woke up the next day, I told him what had happened and that I’d read EVERYTHING And he wasn’t angry, he was upset and horrified he’d hurt me. I then finished the relationship but he has pursued me for 2 weeks: sending flowers, cards, emails, texts, a letter, presents… I’ve ignored everything but finaly agreed to meet him for a coffee.

I don’t know what to do! He says he’ll delete her from his contacts in front of me, he has offered to arrange for me to meet her, talk to his friends, anything i want. I don’t know what to do!

Yes, this is the same guy I wrote to you about late last year.

Bad bits: we had a row about this girl last year, as he lied about a text he’d sent her.

[MysteryWoman]

Why would you help her become friends with the other guy..?

[MysteryWoman]

April rocks! 😀

[MysteryWoman]

You’re so right. You’re 100% right about everything. I can’t believe how perceptive you’re able to be via just internet posts!

Sorry to keep harping on, but if I were to finish it, do I give this as my reason? Like, “I love you and I’ve loved our time together but we want different things so it’s time for us to move on”..?

I’m not lying – part of me would wonder if a split would be the jolt he needed to realise that he wanted me more than he didn’t want marriage. (But obviously i wouldn’t do it FOR that reason, that’d be a waste of time.)

I’m just wondering if we give honest reasons for splitting up in a case like this.

[MysteryWoman]

Seriously – I’m really impressed by your answer and your wisdom. I love the idea of treating dating like a business. I think it’s time I read your book **again**!

I already feel stronger and more powerful, realising that my life is in my hands and I don’t have to wait around forever. 🙂 Thanks again.

[MysteryWoman]

Wow! Thank you [b]SO[/b] much for such a kind, wise, well-considered and sensible answer!

I know you’re right. I’m heartbroken obviously – he’s adorable and we have a ton of fun together. I feel a bit embarrassed that I’m so marriage-minded. Truth is, I only split from my ex 2 years ago and the (very amicable) divorce is still currently going through. It’ll be finalised in the new year. Should I wait till then? It’d be sweet (unlikely, but sweet) to think he’s waiting for me to be legally “free” but I don’t think that’s the case as he’s never mentioned that.

Thank you SO much, you’re awesome!

[MysteryWoman]

The most embarrassing thing is, I’ve now raised The Talk with him about 4 times. 😯 We split up over the summer (he told me a lie, I dumped him, he worked to win me back) and while we were apart he was ALL about marriage, saying he’d never wanted to marry anyone but me, etc. (He didn’t marry his ex.)

But now we’re together again, he never raises the subject. I find that hugely frustrating.

Whenever I have raised it, he always assures me he wants to marry me next year and he always gets tearful during these conversations. I always feel reassured and loved, then after he’s gone I panic and think, “OMG I totally brought up marriage AGAIN”. It’s such a turnaround from the start of the relationship when he was chasing me and I was telling him I didn’t want anything serious.

Anyway – what to do? My plan was to just get busy with my own life, try to get out more and meet new people (not to date, just to meet) and set a private timeline of like 3 more months. If that passes without a ring, I’ll move on.

What do you think? I don’t have the guts to start dating new people yet.

[MysteryWoman]

Hello!

1. yes, he has a job and he is expecting a promotion soon.
2. Big – but he has said they’ll be paid off early next year.
3. Two years, while he paid off the debts.

[Member]

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