[RichardCollier]

Hi April,

No… I’m not set in stone on any path. If this woman I’m in love with wasn’t “THE ONE” for me, I believe I could have gotten over this by now. I’m so confused how this all happened. I generally stay out of trouble and make good decisions. While living in a “semi-happy” marriage could have made me ripe for an affair, it surely didn’t cause the huge significance I feel with this person. This isn’t a case where just anybody could have come along and swept me off my feet. There is a *sincere* and very special chemistry we share that is so amazing and exclusive. If you have ever experienced a bond this close (and to this degree) with someone you must know how I’m feeling!

There’s an inner sense of warmth and relaxation when I’m close to her. I’m 100% certain that nobody else has ever loved me to the level this person has… which is why my heart is so broken over this. But like you said, once children are in the mix it changes the rules so to speak. I tried not just once, but twice to leave my current relationship but something kept holding me back. I don’t know if it was my inner conscience poking at me. Both times I tried to follow through with leaving, there were situations that didn’t feel right. The first time it was from panic and fear over the destruction and unfairness toward our children. The second time it was more because of environmental / situational circumstances.

Yet, it feels so wrong (and TERRIBLE) to be apart from the woman I love. At the same time, it feels awful to cause unfair destruction to the injured parties. It also feels unfair to deny a love this sincere and real – as long as our children and heartbroken spouses end up okay in the end. This was why I was so conflicted over things, but it doesn’t appear getting together with this woman is in the cards for me and I will just have to deal with the mistakes I made. Only time will tell if my mistake was falling for this woman, or if it was not following through the first time I made plans to separate & divorce.

“Richard”

[RichardCollier]

Hi again April,

I know all to well the self-sacrifice of doing what’s right for others. That was a key reason I backed away from leaving. What really bothers me is that I see situations all the time where people end up perfectly fine after divorce (including the children). My parents divorced, but we all ended up okay in the end. I have relatives who divorced for another person (both had kids), and it was evident they were not only happier but seemed meant for each other. But I was also informed their prior marriages were seriously flawed or disfunctional. Or maybe that was just the excuse they told family members to justify leaving, who knows?

I can’t say that my marriage is seriously flawed, and neither is my GF’s marriage. Both of our spouses are good people. It’s possible she may also be living in a “semi-happy” marriage (which ultimately is a pretty serious flaw). I read reports saying this type of relationship covers the majority of divorce cases (over 60%), and is more common than other reasons like spousal abuse or infidelity. We often feel a great level of momentum towards divorce considering how long-term our relationship has been. We also have doubts we can be truly happy at home when we are so deeply in love (and convinced we are the love of each other’s lives). Yet, realistically we know “love blinders” make it seem we can do no wrong for each other, yet our spouses can do no right. The reality is likely somewhere in between.

Thank you for you being bluntfully honest. This was the answer I was expecting. Things do change once kids are involved (especially young children), and how that impacts a family. But at the same time we only have one life to live and [u]if everyone still ends up fine in the end[/u]… fighting for a love such as this can also feel like the right choice! Most relationships fall into stereotypical categories with “phases” in a relationship. Normalcy kicks in, and the passion & excitement loses its luster over time. It’s a serious risk to give up everything losing all that was built if the new relationship goes down the same road. But what if this relationship was that “1 in a million”? What if that spark remained 10, 20, and even 30+ years? What if keeping that spark NEVER felt like “work” (as it does for most couples), but something that just naturally existed because of a very special connection?

I know in your eyes you see there is only one “clear” choice, but from my side it’s not so black & white. It has been an extremely painful tug-of-war, but a battle I feel I’m losing. I also thank you for not looking down on me as one of those “typical” cheating husbands. I never wanted to be come a cheater. I only asked & prayed to have a deep connection with someone special. I guess I got what I asked for.

“Richard” 😕

[RichardCollier]

Hello April,

Thank you for the thoughtful response! As you can tell I’ve been hurting over this for quite some time. I agree there is a higher level of mystery and “alluring excitement” with romantic feelings given this relationship is relatively new (and hasn’t succumbed to the pitfalls from decades of cohabiting). I also admit I have been reassessing many things about my life, which is probably normal given my current age. However, I don’t think this is the stereotypical “mid-life crisis”. While it’s true this new relationship started when I was in my late 30’s, there are some differences I wish to point out:

For one, I completely remember the feelings I had when falling in love with both women. The love I felt for my wife may have been slightly “juvenile” at the time. Maybe best described as a very strong version of “puppy love”. We were that cute High School couple that experienced many fun things while growing up. We got along well and have great compatibility with the stuff we enjoy – whether it be places to visit, music, movies, etc. We enjoyed having sex – but had a lot more of it in our early 20’s compared to now.

Even with these positives, I still felt this “nagging” feeling things weren’t quite right. I know it seems silly considering how compatible we appeared to be, but that nagging feeling was the main reason I waited so long to propose. I guess I fell into the trap of “settling” as it was more comfortable and familiar; beside the fact that I not only loved my wife but also [i]liked [/i]her too! Marriage made the most sense at the time, and was a better choice over spending another 5-10 years being single in limbo.

As for my new relationship, I can honestly say the “in-love” feelings here are quite different. The love I feel with this woman is more mature. It is very sincere with a degree of hunger and passion at [u]much higher levels[/u] than I felt before. Typically the honeymoon stage of a relationship lasts about 6 months to 1 year. Yet, my GF and I have been in this “crazy in love state” for over 4 years… and the intensity STILL remains. We both hate how it feels to leave the other person, but has become our routine given the circumstance we’re in.

There’s an indescribable “vibe” that we both share. The “it” factor. A feeling that can only be found from mutually experiencing the most vulnerable sides of each other. Along with this deeper knowledge is a high amount of longing, respect, adoration, and attraction. This woman and I seem to just totally GET each other, and we do “get” each other on every single aspect I can think of. There is so much comfort and the feeling we have been in love with each other our whole lives!

Yes, there’s a “spark” from new romance. But when you fall in love with someone… coupled with a special [b]deep connection[/b], these feelings aren’t just “sparks”, they feel like earth-shattering FIREWORKS! This feeling of DEEP CLOSENESS was something I have never felt until now. This was the point I was trying to make when describing the life inside a “semi-happy” marriage… which is now a recent term used by marriage counselors from my understanding.

You make some excellent points I haven’t thought of. I hate to imagine the love of my life ultimately becoming the same woman I’m contemplating leaving now. I believe what you say how divorce can be difficult (at best) to downright horrific! The thought of custody battles and the ugliness that can come out during such a process makes me sick to my stomach. I would hate for our kids to dislike my girlfriend, nor would I want our kids to hold the divorce against either of us. I also haven’t thought of the possibility of the kids loving their new step-dad (possibly more than me) because I was the “bastard” who ruined our family. That’s a very good point you raised, but at least it’s only a possibility and not a definite.

But what if you are totally convinced this other woman really is “THE ONE”? And by this definition I literally mean “the love of a lifetime?” Am I completely insane for thinking this way? Because let me tell you this is exactly how I feel about her. For the record, she is not “younger & hotter” than my wife. She’s actually much older than I am. Yet, every day I find myself irresistibly attracted to her. I can also say I have never been this attached to any another person before. Again, I go back to that catch-phrase… “When you know, you [i][u]know[/u][/i]!”

If I was just “in love” with this person, or if this felt like the typical “mid-life crisis”, it would be an easy decision to let this other woman go to preserve the family and rekindle the relationship I have with my wife. But I find it extremely difficult to let go considering how deep my feelings are for her. Yet, your advice may still be my best option due to the fact this other woman has already begun the stages of moving on. God – I love her so much, but fear neither of us have the strength or the will to damage those around us in order to choose each other. This really hurts because I know she loves me just as much as I love her.

Sincerely,
“Richard”

[RichardCollier]

I was curious to those who can understand or relate to my position…

Should I leave my marriage and pursue a new life with this other person? Or should I stay where I am and prevent divorce / destruction of others?

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