[Ty.webb]

Hi April! I’m checking back in after considerable time has passed to give an update and ask for some advice.

I walked away from the girl when I just couldn’t get her to commit to giving us a chance. It was tough. During that time, I went on to date others and kept pretty busy. However, she constantly tried to rekindle our friendship despite me basically saying ‘no’ and that I was only interested in more.

Several ‘no contacts’ later, I finally let her in and started talking to her a little but after I heard she broke it off with her ex-boyfriend for good. I made it clear what I wanted and was cautious not to fall back into the same back/forth that landed me in the friendzone before. She told me that her ex-boyfriend from the original post was trying to make things right again with her, but she felt too much water has went under that bridge. I told her never-the-less, while he is in the picture – I wouldn’t be and went no contact again. She tried numerous times to break this with ‘I miss you’ and ‘I’m confused but I still love you’ type attempts, but I stood strong.

Anyway, I had a brief exchange with her one night where we were sharing some of the great things we have said/done/gave one another. I said it was all great and it’s sad a lot of it was in a bag sitting in my garage. I went on to say she is losing me more everyday where there will be a point I will no longer even acknowledge her as I don’t appreciate how she works so hard to get back into my life, but offers no attempt at a relationship. She said she thinks about that every day and it’s been killing her. I shot back – actions speak louder than words. She only said that she’s been depressed where she is in life, feels like she made a huge mistake with me, and agrees it was time to try this because she couldn’t ignore her feelings. It’s just her depression of late that has been keeping her from running into another relationship. It sounded like a sad story, but I stuck to my guns… actions speak louder that words.

So, she came over two weeks ago to my home. It was her idea. We ended up becoming intimate and she stayed the night. The days that followed were great and I could see a turn for the better. Yet, she still said she was still hurting a little and needed to take things slow. She cancelled a dinner plan for later in that week, but the next day invited me to come hang out with her and her cousin. We were intimate again. Then, Valentines Day, she cancelled dinner again at the last minute, but I snuck something into her car that she found later with her mother. She sent me a pic of them both in years as it was a special gift I had made especially for her. Things went very well for the next few days and she stayed over on Tuesday (intimate again). We had made plans for this evening, but after visiting the doctor about her depression on Thursday – she cancelled again. Yet she comes and kisses me, made plans for me to hang out with her brother & his girlfriend.

The bottom line is I am having a hard time dealing with how she cancels special evenings I have planned, but still is intimate and has me do stuff with her family. It’s like dinner scares her off like I’m going too fast, but somehow staying over and doing things in a bigger circle is OK. It seems so bi-polar. She says it’s because she still has moments and she gets scared/nervous then wants to take things slow. I know she’s been hurt, but it’s never been by me. It’s also confusing how she gets over this fear some days and stays over while talking about things in my home as if she would eventually be living here.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m rolling with everything and not giving her any pressure. I am also not reacting badly when she cancels. I simply say I understand, to take her time, and have plenty to do instead. Any suggestions? I do love his girl and want it to work or I would have left for someone else easily.

[Ty.webb]

Yes April, I totally agree. I am all about the actions, which led me to my first walk from this situation.

This time, after all the heartfelt talk, I have said the same thing. I agreed to hold on for time for her to do this since it was an awkward situation with family and friends. She actually did break with him over the phone a few days ago, but he is out of town until this week. He needs to talk, I guess and she needs a good bit of her stuff out of his home.

So with that said, although I am not seeing total action as there seems to be some loose ends, is there an amount of time I should wait until pressing for her to by my side. She has mentioned she didn’t want to make this seem like she had been cheating to her friends and family. (although she admitted to emotionally cheating with me).

Me, I am ready NOW. I don’t want to wait for her to sit in post-breakup at all regardless of what other people may see or think. Once he returns, has his last say, she denies him, gets whatever items from the home, and gives full closure (which she says she hasn’t been able to do with him out of town) – then I want her with me that moment. Is that too much to ask or should there be a space of a few days? Given everything she has told me and feelings she has for me – I don’t see how or why someone needs any further time.

Do you agree?

[Ty.webb]

The only reason I broke this ultimatum was due to her crying and messages that she loved me and realizes she made the wrong decision. While I know that isn’t a ‘we are dating now’ statement, combine this with telling me she is going to leave the current guy for me gave me enough to start talking with her again. She knows I would have not returned talking with her if it wasn’t the case. Also, to answer, we did actually go out for a time – been intimate – and I was even introduced to her parents right before I pushed for the exclusive.

This is not the same as before where she was crying off a long term relationship. This time it was a short relationship that started late Spring with someone she used to out with. She says she now realizes she should have been with me all along and it was wrong to have started this up with the current guy – who was a close long-time friend. So, maybe I am almost glad she had a ‘rebound’ relationship to clear her head, stand back, and see who meant the most. By her words, it was me.

Now, I am trying to give her space to complete this break up that started recently as promised. There is a lot to it since they all have the same friends and she even stayed with him off and on during the week. Of course, I want to say forget all of that and let go out – tonight and begin what we both have been talking about for the last 3-4 weeks which is being together. However, I can tell she is stressed over all of this and I guess I don’t want to make a similar mistake as before by giving her a time ultimatum.

I’m scared to pressure. She has always been a person who runs from it. I want her happy and not forced to hurry up. Yet, some days it just kills me to stay quiet and not say ‘where do we stand today’.

[Ty.webb]

Hi April

I asked for your advice a while back and would like to see if you could help here.

To quickly summarize, I had a friendship with a co-worker blossom into something more. While it never went into a full on relationship, we connected and have strong feelings for one another. Well, about 6 months ago I tried to push for that relationship to go to a committed level and it didn’t turn out. I got mad, walked away, and she went back with her old boyfriend.

About three months later, we started talking again. That ‘talking’ turned into some strong flirtation back and forth. It got pretty heavy up until she said that it wasn’t right and it needed to stop. I became upset about being teased and then backed-off, so I went into extreme no contact for a month and refused her many attempts to reach out. During this time, she was sent home a few times crying due to me refusing to even say ‘hello’. I could tell she really cared and missed me, but I didn’t crack. I made it clear when i last spoke to her then the only way we were going to be together is by relationship and NOT as friends and not to ever speak to me unless she was prepared to move forward,

Well, about 3 weeks ago – she wrote me a long message saying she loves me and thinks about me all the time. She realizes she made a mistake and hates the situation right now. Once again, she broke down in the office when I turned away from a chance to say hi. I felt so bad that I put some flowers on her desk before she got in the next morning with a simple note saying ‘sorry’. The next day, she sent me a text saying how much she misses me and I started to chat back. During this, she revealed once again she loves me and needs time to fix this situation because she hates being away from me. I agreed to give her time, but made it clear what I expect.

She now is in the process of breaking up with him. She doesn’t hate him, but it wasn’t right. Everyone tells me to give her some space to do this and not to expect a relationship to start up with me instantly as it will still be tough to leave the other guy. The process has started, but I am getting annoyed with how quiet things have become. I guess I was expecting a more dramatic turn of events where we would be closer now, but it seems opposite. Once again, I know it’s still difficult for her and I’m trying not to pressure – but I feel like I am being out on the back burner despite all these feelings she revealed to bring me back into her life.

So, am I doing the right thing by not pressing? Should I give her space during all of this? What can I do to keep myself from going nuts? I don’t want to ruin all of this, but I don’t want all those feelings to be forgotten during this time. She doesn’t want to talk about it when I ask and she says she is so stressed over it all. All she asked that I give her time and we will figure it all out once her current situation is resolved.

Any thoughts? I do LOVE this girl, so I’m trying to do this right and give us the best chance.

[Ty.webb]

No, I’m with you. The ‘your thoughts’ part was actually just another reference to the question above & not a request to reexamine. I agree some of it is for fleeting attention, but I know she really wants it (my attention) and it’s very obvious she misses it a lot when it is not there. So, now is the best time to pull it from her to get her to want it back permanently and more so on my terms if she chooses it’s that important to her.

I’m going to hang in there & try to gradually phase out, so I can make a better comeback when she is ready.

Thanks again!

[Ty.webb]

I got it. It is just frustrating that everyone must play some version of a game, no matter how great the people involved.

One final question, would you take it that she is interested down deep given the signs? I just can’t believe someone would initiate conversation as much as she does (even after I tell her exactly what I want out of our friendship), send riske pics, talk about being worried about doing something sexually with me before she’s ready, etc etc. I only ask this question because the natural rule is to take the ‘I’m not ready’ response as a gentle ‘no’. However, with the other factors involved – it seems inconsistent.

What are your thoughts?

[Ty.webb]

Thank you and I will give it a try.

In fact, I tried today but she was upset when I was not talking with her as much. She actually got pretty mad at me by noon. I realize there needs to be a tapered pull back, but it will be hard as she is usually on to me by hour 1. I’ve tried it before. 🙂

You are right though. I need to give her space as just today she was still down about her ex. I must pull back and give her a sense what it is like without me there either knowing there is only one way I will return and that is romantically.

I’ll let you know… Thanks!

[Ty.webb]

I wanted to follow up on this to see if you can advise me how to back out of a jam and get myself back on track.

So taking your advice, I backed off as she was not ready to start a new relationship. I maintained my friendship and we communicate tons each day. I let her initiate the contact so I know it’s genuine and not just responses off of my texts/emails/etc. Anyway, it got to a point again where it just seemed natural to ask her out. I was again told that she is having a hard time getting over her ex. I knew I was upset and tried to get a hold of me later that night. Once I broke down and agreed to talk with her, she told me she feels guilty because she wants me in her life but until she can erase him from her mind that she doesn’t feel right leading me on. She did underscore ‘yet’ as if she feels the time will come. I felt better and continued being her friend.

Just last weekend, she told me she wanted to have a wine/movie night at my house. She stressed she wasn’t ready yet to be with me, but wanted to hang out with me. She also said that she wanted to make sure that I knew that in case we had too much wine, that she was afraid she may do something drunk that she wasn’t ready to do sober. I told her she could trust me and we would plan for a night soon.

Anyway, here is the jam I got myself into. I was online with my old Match.com login trying to get the emails to stop. When I did a search, I saw her profile and it was recently created. I was floored. Not because she is seeing what is out there, but because she has been telling me she isn’t ready while apparently being ready elsewhere. This got to me so much that I had her come over to my home after work where I basically opened up everything I have been feeling for her. I did not get mad about the online thing, rather I just wanted to know how much I felt for her and that it hurt to see that she was opening up elsewhere. She told me that some of my comments recently have scared her a bit and I’ve been pressuring her too much. She said if I keep it up that she may run from this situation.

I guess now I need to figure out the best way to relieve this pressure without being a jerk or totally cutting her off. She really has me confused right now because as I mentioned above, some of the signs to she wants to be together come from her. Telling me to have a wine/movie night where she’s afraid she will do something with me too soon tells me she is holding back feelings that are there. I could also give other examples and pictures she sends to me that aren’t exactly Facebook worthy. I am getting mixed signals, but then again have to see an active online dating profile!

I have fallen for this girl. Yes, I can go out with other girls and will. However, can you give me any advice to help start winning this girl over. I am aware there is no quick fix. I am aware I have to back off and bring her back out and reverse the chase. Yet, how can I do this effectively? I am willing to put in the time because I know the signs are there and this girl is amazing. I just need to get back on track. Can you help from that perspective?

[Ty.webb]

I appreciate your encouragement.

I guess I feel like I may have glossed over the fact she is still in a post-breakup depression. She still cries every so often since final closure was just recent. I think perhaps you may suggest a different approach now knowing that. Perhaps I’m wrong.

My personality is keeping from pushing too hard right now since she is in a fragile state as I don’t want to come off insensitive and only interested in my pursuit. Over the last few weeks, I have casually asked her to a few lunches, which she has accompanied me. However, the dinner/drinks and more ‘date’-like encounters I have asked her to have been met with a ‘not ready’.

Knowing that, do you still advise you press on?

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