[brighteyes089]

I went out this weekend (just read your reply today) and I saw my bar buddy again. I planned on telling him that we can’t spend time alone together anymore and I was going to focus on my relationship with my fiance. That didn’t happen (I really wish I had read your reply sooner). We ended up having a very intimate night together, but didn’t have sex.

The next day I did a lot of thinking. I talked to my mom & my best friend, and I decided that I will have to end the engagement with my fiance, stay here in my hometown, and focus on myself and my daughter. I realized that if I moved out of state with him, I wouldn’t be happy, and I would be lying to him. It wouldn’t be fair for either of us. I felt like I had it all figured out. And I realized that if I really loved my fiance, I would have never made the choices I made and let the previous night happen. Plain and simple.

My bar buddy asked me to have dinner with him last night, and I figured it would be fine. Nothing would happen, it would just be dinner and conversation, then I would go home. It didn’t happen that way. We had dinner and talked for a while, and things heated up again. This time we did have sex. Afterward I felt different. Not about my bar buddy, but about myself. I was ashamed of myself, and disgusted with myself, the instant it was over. I went home and went to bed.

Today, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what I did to my fiance. How much I’ve betrayed him in such a short amount of time. I haven’t spoken much at all to anyone today. I can’t even look in the mirror. And I think I took the longest shower of my life. I look at the ring on my finger and I instantly want to break down and cry.

And today, I can’t help but think that being with my fiance, marrying him and sharing life together would have been the best thing I could have ever done. I now know that there’s absolutely no fixing anything between us anymore. I know when he gets home I have to tell him what I did, as much as it will hurt him. He deserves to know. I still know that I don’t want to move away with him and marry him, but I didn’t want it to end this way. I can only hope that he’ll forgive me one day.

I wonder why I’m so torn between these two men. For a few days I’ll only think about my fiance and our future, and then for a few days I’ll think about my bar buddy and what could be, and then for a few days I think that I just need to be alone and figure out my own life. And the cycle repeats itself. I think I have things figured out, and then I rethink it all and change my mind. I feel like my head won’t stop spinning. Is there some sort of psychological reason why my feelings and actions are all over the place? Why I can’t make up my mind? Why I find it so easy to betray the man I promised to spend the rest of my life with? What should I do now? Now that I’ve screwed things up even worse….

[Member]

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