Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
JMG
Member #149Help?? Please? JMG
Member #149I haven’t read all of this thread, but I’ve read enough to throw in my 2 cents. This is coming from a confident-in-all-things-other-than-dating young woman who’s been the object of a few “nice guy” infatuations — but I’ve never had a boyfriend. I turn down these “nice guys” faster than the few players that have seemed interested, too… However, the guys that I’VE fallen for have likewise been “nice guys.” They are polite, respectable, and amazingly respectful. The difference between the guys I like and the guys I run as far away from as fast as I can basically comes down to a few key things. The guys I’m attracted to are men I can respect; they know what they want in their lives (as in jobs, what they are looking for in relationships, etc.). They know how to make things happen — if they are unhappy with the situation they are in, they look for ways to change it and act on these things when appropriate. That being said, they are usually also able to make themselves happy in almost any situation — their happiness isn’t dependent on the “perfect” job, or wrapped up in having a girlfriend. These are the qualities that separate them from the “nice guys” that I can’t stand to be around, certainly not in a relationship context. It’s not necessarily the “fawning” — the amount of attention is probably equal between the “players” and the ultra “nice guys” — but I need a guy that not only pays me attention (to a certain extent) but knows what he wants and can handle me being stubborn, independent, and confident, too. A man that I know I can rely on to tell me when I’m wrong, who can accept me as his equal and who I can also accept as my equal. A man that I can have a disagreement with and not be too terribly worried that I didn’t break the poor guy’s spirit just by raising my voice if it happens (my upbringing included a lot of yelling — while I’m working on having more healthy communication, I’m not going to promise that it won’t slip out). I need a strong guy…a strong nice guy. There is a difference. JMG
Member #149Dude, need some more info! JMG
Member #149Hey! You’ve gotten some amazingly good replies so far. I think everyone who’s read your messages can really appreciate the effort and willingness to learn and be guided that you are putting in this. That being the case, I’m fairly sure that having a superficial personality isn’t your problem, 😉 though you may be a bit awkward at letting your personality show through yet. Some other ideas in your pursuit of the the “real” woman — try some of the old-fashioned methods, too! They may seem corny (flowers, chocolates, etc.), but there are some aspects of chivalry and romance that have lost their prevalence but not their sincerity or impression on young hopefuls (like me!). To tell you the truth, I’ve never gotten flowers from a boyfriend or even a potential boyfriend, but if some guy gave me flowers, I’m going to take special note of that because it is more of a novelty in this day and age. Just something else to help you snag that special someone and stand you apart from the crowd. Another tip…especially if you are so athletic — learn how to dance! Not the bump-and-grind, hip hop, disco stuff… something like ballroom, two-step, swing, something! (My friends and I here in the midwestern US like western country music and country swing.) That way, you can invite her out to an evening or afternoon where you get to have your hands all over her (in a polite, restrained, yet somehow incredibly hot sort of way), teach her some moves (or maybe she already knows!), and both get your hearts racing while getting all sweaty!🙂 JMG
Member #149A similar thing (sort of) happened to a close friend of mine and one of her friends. All I can say is, you need to tell her that you don’t appreciate what’s happened. You feel blind-sided and betrayed, but that is how you feel. Your friend probably thinks that she did sort of tell you, since she told you she was interested in her ex. You need to tell her that you are probably going to be a little selfish (even though you probably think that she’s the one that’s being selfish), and that while you know that your friendship with her will probably change, you are going to need reassurance now and then that she and you are still friends…good friends, if you want to stay close to her. And then…you are going to have to deal with your anger. You let him go before — now, you really need to let him go. If you cared for him before, and you think he’s a good guy, and if you love your friend, and you think she’s a good person, then you should be happy for them. It will be hard. I can almost guarantee this. It will be extremely hard. You may not want to be around them at first…it may take awhile before you’ll want to be around them at all. It may take even longer for you to be around them with them being all mushy lovey-dovey…ick…but if this is the kind of friend that you want standing up with you when you’re getting married as your bridesmaid, or vice versa, or whatever, then eventually, eventually, you will have to tell her that you are happy for her. And mean it.
It would make sense that these friends of yours (ex-boyfriend and friend, whatever), who recognize and value your wonderful qualities, would have the same appreciation for the traits that they recognize in each other. (I would suggest the movie “Catch & Release” for this concept…). Now, if these two are planning on a fling or something short-term and have no long-term expectations, I could see why it would be rather inappropriate. However, if this thing between them has long-term potential, you’re gonna have to learn to stick it out, and be civil!!
JMG
Member #149I’ll admit it’s a little weird. But she IS MARRIED. Unless it continues and they start spending hours on the phone together (or he’s ditching you to spend time with her or on the phone with her), you need to let it go. A random phone call…or spurts of communication…are not to be that concerned over. If you need to talk to him about it, you could frame it in the context…”what would you do/say/think if I talked to my ex ________ (that I had a long-term, committed relationship with)?” If he would be uncomfortable for you digging up ex’s and rekindling even “just friend” relationships, then he needs to examine what he’s doing. JMG
Member #149Call him, text him, leave a message for crying out loud!! If he doesn’t respond to that (like an invitation to go do something, etc.), then you can begin the freak-out session. For all he knows, you have found it so awkward since that little episode that you were calling to break-up with him, but just didn’t want to leave it on his voice mail. Or, since you said that you both know you don’t love him, he may be questioning how much you are interested in the first place (even though it would be understandable that you don’t love him at this point). He may be suffering from a bit of a bruised ego here. Make it clear that you are receptive to spending more time with him, etc. and continuing what you’ve got going. If he’s still not responding, move on, and don’t blame yourself for what you did/did not say — there may be a lot of other reasons to why he’s suddenly gone cold (if he really has). JMG
Member #149Um… just a thought… Could you talk to a therapist?? Maybe go together, or encourage her to seek one out herself? I’m not talking the “I’m going to be committed because I’m insane” kind of therapy…just someone else to talk to, to gain perspective, etc. If she’s religious (or you are), then maybe you could suggest her (your) preacher, pastor, priest, rabbi, etc. It may also be that she’s going through clinical/subclinical depression (caused by any number of things, including physiological problems). At any rate, if she feels that sad/depressed, sitting around in one’s room rarely does any good. I know that’s my shutdown mechanism, too…and if I continue with that, I generally end up wallowing in that self-pity, self-questioning, etc. for awhile until something (usually someone else) snaps me out of it. To combat this, I have to make sure that I really don’t start that retreat in the first place. If she’s already in that mode, it may be best for her to talk to someone outside of the situation. JMG
Member #149No… I’m not entirely sure if the right things were said, etc., but he needs to make sure that clear boundaries are established with his “friend” before you can continue in your relationship. If he is unwilling to determine what those boundaries are and is irritated with you questioning them, then he’s not ready to be committed in the relationship that you have with him. Just a thought. -
AuthorPosts