[Smokey]

I’ve been thinking… 7 months is a long time to be unsure of your status, even if he is the type that takes it slow. So to me, something is wrong here. It’s like you two are in a awkward dance, where one assumes one thing and hoping the other person knows the status of what’s going on. If your needs/expectations aren’t being met then asking him is probably the best way to go.

Wouldn’t it be better to find out [i]now[/i], whether he sees your relationship becoming something more than just friends, rather than finding out later that he doesn’t see it that way? So talk to him about it. Maybe he feels the same way, maybe not, but it’s good to get some clarity, right?

But bare in mind it’s a risk. Because sometimes when you have the *talk* a lot of men feel pressured and ceremoniously push you away. So be gentle how you phrase it.

To me, it’s a risk worth taking because the longer you wait in limbo, the more you will suffer.

(you remind me of my friend during my school days, wished i can turned back time and give her more clarity at the start)

[Smokey]

[quote=”MAMJ”]It is unclear what our relationship is… business, friendship, friendship to romance? He is 57 (married and divorced twice before 30)[/quote]

From a guy’s point of view, it’s definitely not business. So far so platonic. If the guy liked you in a more intimate way, YOU would certainly know about it. There won’t be any mixed signals or confusion.

By the way, I’m confused from your post, is he still married?

[Smokey]

28yearold,

It’s not love, its infatuation. How long you’ve known your manager?

First of all, getting involved with someone in the workplace is not to be taken lightly, especially since he’s your boss. The worst is, you could lose your job and then get a bad reference. If not, you could be enduring plenty of pain and awkwardness if you two aren’t on the same page. Seeing my ex-gf opposite me everyday was hell for both of us. And it affected everyone else at work too. All the lies & gossip. Watching her flirt with other guys was torture. So i don’t wish it on anyone!

You deserve more than this guy, who obviously doesn’t care about who he hurts or the consequences of his actions. He’s only after sex.
[quote=”28yearoldvirgin”]He propositioned me for sex which i refused…
He’s very much a casanova and he brags about how many girls he had. he doesn’t plan much for the future… He thinks he will probably die young so he doesn’t care… i see him at work spotting a hickey. I asked and he says it’s not by me.[/quote]

At the end of the day it’s your life. My advice? If you want a serious relationship, then this guy isn’t for you.
If like him (some how i don’t think you are), you’re only after no-strings-attached sex then you gotta weigh up the risks in the workplace. It’s not just the issue of virginity here, your heart is fragile too and shouldn’t be something to give so easily. Think about it.

[Smokey]

sep211,

Wow that guy sounds really immature, i can’t believe he’s 47!
As for coping? I’m still coping from my breakup at the moment (after 3 dates recently, i don’t think i am fully healed to go back out there just yet). Take it from me the absolute worst thing you can do is attempt to get into contact with your ex (regardless of the reason).

Based on pass breakups, this is what i have learned that will help you cope…

1. You must treat your ex like he/she is a crazy stalker. Avoid all (once again ALL) contact with them. Do not call, e-mail, message, morse code, smoke signal your ex!

2. Break your patterns. Do not drive by your ex’s place, work, hangouts. You will not accomplish anything but hurting yourself. Do not try to check up on what they’re up to. How would you feel if you see him/her with another?!?

3. Become obsessed with a project (this is essential) do something you always wanted to do, I don’t care what it is. If you can try to involve other people (makes it social). Keep yourself busy. Its when you’re alone that the demons come.

4. Lay off serious relationships for awhile…REALLY! When you do have down time from your now busy life, that is when you go out with friends and have a fun.

* Run into ex Emergency measures: If you can get out before they see you, bail. YOU CANNOT HANDLE what they have to say. If you can’t bail, wave, smile, roll out (somethings are better left unsaid). If you are trapped and you have to talk, follow these rules: (a) Do not give any info out about youself. (b) Do not request info about them. (c) You are busy, state this nicely with a smile, and move along. You have just saved yourself a ton of pain.

** Alone Emergency measures: (a) Get busy doing something (make a card castle, exercise, movie, music, whatever). (b) Instill this thought: My situation is not bad, there are people on this earth sleeping on the street, being abused by those who should be taking care of them or wasting away from disease, all I got is heart ache, I’m being a wuss.

Eventually…
The ache in your heart will be a little less. It’s only nanobits. But everyday it will get slowly better. Then one day you’ll smile because you didn’t immediately check your phone/email when you came in. One day you’ll decide to clean the mess that has accumulated in your house.

And one day you’ll decide to date again. And one day you’ll go out on your 1st date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you’ll either force yourself to continue dating or you’ll decide that you aren’t ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. But one day, it won’t matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of your ex. And you’ll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

Don’t beat yourself up if you did something that you wished you hadn’t (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving to yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have someone, take time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don’t go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept reality. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal.

And the rest will take care of itself.

[Smokey]

Sorry i’m confused, you’ve been dating him for 5 months or are you exclusive gf/bf?

I had this happened to me before when i was dating a girl for 3 months and she blurted the “i love you”. But i wasn’t feeling it, and replied “i’m not ready to say that just yet”. Sometimes it’s just too soon because i’m not one to throw the L-word around lightly if i don’t mean it. Not surprisingly, the relationship ended after – turned out there were other issues that we didn’t see eye to eye.

[Smokey]

Sorry Stevi, sounds to me she’s not interested in you. Fact is you can’t force someone to like you, the more you try the further away you will push them.

You just gotta be confident and respect yourself first, i can’t stress this enough. Look, don’t be a doormat and don’t be a jerk either. On the flip side, dating someone too far to one side of the spectrum (nice/jerk) is also bad for you. You’ll need to find the balance.

I know this is simplifying it, but it basically come down to…
If you are secure and confident, you will attract secure and confident people.
If you are insecure as a woman, you will attract jerks.
If you are insecure as a man, you’ll attract a bitch.

Just don’t go confusing selfishness for confidence (jerk). Build confidence & balance and that walking away from a bad relationship is much better than trying to make it work with a “broken” person.

Oh one last thing, if your attracted to someone, just simply chat and see if they want to go out (i don’t mean hang out with a bunch of friends). Don’t do the friendship-in-hope-of-something-intimate dance, because you’re likely to get friend-zoned.

Hope this helps.

[Smokey]

Your bf is a lazy-irresponsible-selfish-douche and you’ve let him walk all over you. He’s practically made you into his housekeeper for free. A good relationship should be 50/50 and yours sound like 100% on you. Your too accommodating to his needs, even going as far as neglecting your own (i think that’s something you need to work on).

My advice? Ditch the loser.
Like April said, get your life & education in order. (It’s not too late)!

(sorry if i sound harsh, but it upsets me to see someone being treated like, something on the bottom of his shoe)

[Smokey]

Hey Sep211,
I’m glad you managed to find the strength to ignore this guy’s pathetic attempt to ‘win’ you back. A lot of people would have given up and kept the drama going. My weekend sucked. Not exactly sure why, but i’ve been a bit crabby lately. I am not in the mood to talk to anyone and i just isolate myself (both for others sake and my own sanity). Occasionally, my friend will push some chips and salsa toward me with a stick. That helps 😀

Anyway, back on topic. . .
[quote=”Sep211″]…it is wrong for some women to feel they want a relationship with a man who is financially stable.[/quote]
Why is it wrong? I don’t see anything wrong with setting boundaries, in fact people need to KNOW what they do & don’t want in a relationship. It’s when someone have no clue, that’s when they’re likely to just settle. I’m certainly not one to just settle. I’m still looking for full-time work right now, and i would hate to burden someone else with my problems because i don’t have my career and life in order yet. But the fact is, everyone is different, so will have different boundaries and priorities.

Having excessive amounts money isn’t a priority for me when compare to honesty, stability, compassion, and self respect. That’s just me, i don’t think i can speak for other men about their values. My friend would definitely say money. Who’s right? Neither. You just need to find someone that is on the same page as you (nothing wrong with that).

[Smokey]

Thanks Sep211.
lol. Looking at my original post again bring back some memories – damn i was messed up then!

I have been getting better since i went NC (no contact), she no longer occupies my mind throughout the day and when something does remind me of her (like a certain song, joke, or even a stupid ad on tv), the pain or anger isn’t there anymore. A few months ago, my emotions would of fluctuated like the weather (some days I’m good, then it hurts again). But i can clearly see that I’m healing with each passing day.

I did have a horrible set back, when we accidentally bumped into each other and i couldn’t bail (sent me into a confused panic mode for a week). Found out she did go back out with her ex when she dumped me with her immature silent treatment. Her abusive ex eventually dumped her and she’s single again. She kept ringing and texting me that we should talk. I should of been totally ecstatic, right? Wrong… ’cause she never even apologized! Even if the chemistry that we had is still there, my respect and trust for her have gone.

Looking back now, i don’t think she was right for me (too naive, immature & selfish). So I continued to stay NC. But the painful experience wasn’t totally wasted because i have learned more about myself and relationships. When i feel ready i will try again (it always puzzles me, how my friend can jump from relationship to relationship so quickly).
The most important thing I’ve learned is: the more confident, balanced & secure you become, the more likely you are to heed ‘red flags’ and pick out bad people, because you set boundaries and KEEP to them.

It’s how life works – it’s about balance. Good luck on your journey Sep211.

[Smokey]

You’ve tried and he’s not interested – his loss! That’s how i would look at it.
Stop dwelling and over-thinking about the situation because it’s only gonna make you sad. Find someone else. . .

[size=85]“Fall seven times, Stand up eight”[/size]

[Smokey]

Next time, please use paragraphs when you’re posting because its easier to read, ok?
I thought you were a different person, until i read more of your post. Why are you using different alias “sep21/sep211/Depression hurts”?

Anyway, I’m sorry that you’re going through so much guilt and pain. From what you said, it sounds like you haven’t moved on from the ex that you were gonna marry. But more importantly, you haven’t really worked on yourself and your insecurities because you are still punishing yourself.

Look, you did the right thing in breaking up with him and not get married because YOU felt it wasn’t right! So you shouldn’t blame yourself (even he had cold feet as well). But you love him!!! Hey, you still can, nobody said you had to not care, nobody can take that away.

In my opinion, you don’t quite get over those you have been close to. Regardless of time, you will always have a small ache when their memory surfaces – fact. Most of the time, keeping in constant contact with an ex prevents people from moving on. You have two choices…

(A) You could psychologically beat yourself up, by daily reliving your relationship. Or you could (B) Understand that it has always been you. ITS ALWAYS BEEN YOU. You are making yourself feel pain, you are analyzing, you are falling back on guilt. NOBODY IS GOING TO SAVE YOU………….Good, you don’t need them. If you’re hurting yourself, then you can save yourself too. If you really want to get better, I mean really, accept that its over. Only then can you begin to move on. And each day will get better, i promise. The agony of loss and guilt will eventually go away. (You’ll know ’cause you won’t be comparing your ex with your dates).

You sound like a decent person and deserve to be happy. Once you have found a way to be happy with yourself, then you can look for a significant other. They are the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. You cannot count on someone to make you happy, they can only enhance it.

Identify your past weaknesses and shortcomings ~ and forgive yourself of such! Your only human.
Thou shalt not beat thou-self up! 😉

Hope this helps.

[Smokey]

You’re ignoring all the red flags here:
[quote=”sep21″]“…on the first date we kissed and in the middle he said I love you”.
“He speaks of buying things for the apartment for “US”.
“he says well how do you think I feel I bla bla bla so I interrupted him and said you see every time i start to say about me you change to you and he got mad…”
“…you can’t drink in my car. he said ok and finished it”
“…you knew what you were getting into and now I am stressed with work and now YOU”![/quote]

All this in only 2.5 months of dating? Wow!
I think you know the answer yourself, this guy is a selfish-insecure-bad tempered-irresponsible-jerk.

What to do? Run like the wind.

[Smokey]

Sounds to me you’re really insecure that your gf is in contact with her ex, right?
Is there anything she’s said or done that would make you uncomfortable with the ex? Or is it simply because they had history? If not…then, you gotta just trust her and don’t over-analyze this thing to death, otherwise it’s only gonna get worst.

And i know that you’d already said, if you were her, you wouldn’t do that. But everyone’s expectations are just different.

All you can do, is let your gf understand how this situation upsets you. If she’s not willing to compromise (if she really cares, she would as least try to make it work), then you gotta really ask yourself if YOU could live with it. Because you can’t change someone else, if they DON’T want to change.

Hope this helps.

[Smokey]

How long have you two been together? What makes you think she would cheat on you? Is it something she said? Does she fancy this friend? Are they lunching everyday?

Based on what little info. you gave, I would say, you shouldn’t get worked up about this and make a big scene.
But it’s ok to be jealous occasionally, ’cause it reminds both people not to take each other for granted. Chat to her about it. 🙄

Smokey.

[Smokey]

Nadia,

You should of posted in Relationship Advice section… nevermind.
Sounds to me like a soft breakup, meaning that he wants to look around and see other girls, and if it doesn’t work out, he still got you to fall back on. My old gf (wow, this is going back to my school days) was the same and we ended up seeing less and less of each other, then the relationship just ended. 🙁 It hurt like hell when i found out she slept with another boy. Thinking back, I can kinda see why – she was bored of me & I was too accommodating to her needs. It’s past now – lesson learned. I’m a better person now.

For a relationship to work, I don’t think someone’s heart can be divided (in his case, you and potentially other girls). Sometimes you got to listen to your head and not just your heart. I hope your talk with him goes well.

Smokey.

[Author]

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