[Mikeb]

Thanks for your reply April.

You’re right … but I’m terrified of what the consequences would be if I step back. Not to mention that it would hurt her so tremendously I would feel guilty out of my mind. She is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met and I get so scared that I might lose her, not to mention her kids now… At this point I’m living here for more than just to be close to her, but I love the life we are making for each other here and it’s feeling more and more like I need it.

It doesn’t help that I’m insecure to begin with and I probably don’t even need a legitimate reason to have trust issues at this point. I’m afraid if I screw this up that I’ll have lost the one person in the world who accepts me for who I am.

I hate that I’m not able to trust her, because I love her so much… I want nothing more than to be able to believe what she says – or even better – to not even have to ask in the first place. It’s not just that she’s irresponsible with money (which she is), she is not honest about her finances, and really about a lot of things. I’m fairly sure she doesn’t hide things for malicious reasons, but for whatever reason she chooses to filter out (all of) the “negative” in her life, so I’m only exposed to the positive. I can’t blame her 100% for this, because everyone to some extent has done this at one time or another but still… Every time a guy looks at her and waves or says hi I think she’s slept with them, or every time we get a phone call asking for her I tense up and start worrying about how much she’ll owe this time.

It bugs me that while I am an open book in this relationship; she is forthright about certain things, but unimaginably vague or just outright lying (or changing the subject…) about others. I know that she is no less averse to ending or stepping our relationship back than I am, and I’ve given the ultimatum once or twice dependant on her honesty, but nothing seems to be changing.

Is this a cut-and-dry issue of “people never change, leave before you get buried”? I want to make it work and obviously I don’t want to hear that kind of answer… but is that how it is? In my heart I know her dishonesty is related to her idea of my perception of her, and to preserve (in her mind) our relationship and keep pushing it forward. How many times will I have to tell her that all I need to make this work is honesty, and that I don’t need her to filter her life for me? Or maybe a better question to ask is that if she is indeed getting the picture and becoming more honest, how can I change my own tendency to think she is lying?

And I don’t mind about the money… I told myself when I started that if this all blew up in my face I would take it as a life lesson. I help with her bills because in my mind the bigger picture demands that her credit be good for us to get a mortgage. I’d rather pay now and save her 28% interest rates so we can put that in our savings and have a down payment one day. She will eventually settle her debts in divorce court I figured so one day we will either see some return on her marriage debts or we won’t, and either way I saved her the interest.

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